Hello there!

I though it would be fun to add a page of old science fiction and horror movies to this blog. You know, stuff that, today, may make us laugh, but way back when we were kids scared the snot out of us. 

I’ll probably add to it fairly often and this is just enough to kick it off. 

I would like to keep this to films made prior to 1960, but I won’t promise anything…

If you want to take a look, click on this link…

Have fun!

Tonight is “Mystery Pride and Prejudice Theatre 3000″ night at our house.

I am banished from the living room.

Apparently, Murphy doesn’t like carrots.

Hello again, Gentle Readers,

It’s time, once again, for another piece inspired by my canine (and best) friend Murphy Patrick Harrigan O’Kammerer. This time, we venture into the realm of Poetry and/or Music dedicated to Murphy. 

Those of you who are blessed with any sort of pet, especially a dog (or, even more especially, dogs) will immediately recognize the source of inspiration for today’s offering.

And, in tribute to Max, I have bestowed, upon The Murph, the title and rank of Doggy Woggy of The First Order… Sadly, he doesn’t know what an honor it is. But that makes him no less deserving…

And now, I begin…

Doggy Woggy Doo Doo

By
The Very William H. Kammerer, Jr., Esquire (not)

At the crack of dawn,

When the stars are gone,

Slingin’ Doggy Woggy Doo Doo all the day,

I go to the yard,

Lookin’ really hard,

For the Doggy Woggy Doo Doo all the day!

Sometimes I do wish,

I got a gold fish,

But that’s not the way out it did play,

But I’m glad he’s mine,

With me all the time,

Making Doggy Woggy Doo Doo all the day!

Fare thee well!

Fare thee well!

How I wish he could eat hay…

But I’ve got my scoop,

Picking up his poop,

Slingin’ Doggy Woggy Doo Doo all the day!

When he’s full of pep,

Gotta watch my step,

What the ground is covered with ain’t clay,

I won’t go bare foot,

Always wear my boots,

Slingin’ Doggy Woggy Doo Doo all the day!

Fare thee well!

Fare thee well!

Well he thinks I’m in the yard to play…

But I’ve got my scoop,

Picking up his poop,

Slingin’ Doggy Woggy Doo Doo all the day!

Slingin’ Doggy Woggy Doo Doo all the day!

Slingin’ Do-ggy Wo-ggy Doo-Doo-all-the-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much… Please… Please… No, really – you are too kind… Thank you… You are a great audience! Thank you…

Thank you so much…

Murphy1

I originally sent this message to some of my closest family and friends in an effort to alert them to an issue that is now showing its ugly head in my life and give them a heads up that it may also be coming their way in the near future. 

After giving it careful consideration, I have decided to pass this information along to those of you who follow this blog so as to give you the opportunity to prepare for what’s coming down the road.

Please know that I don’t take this lightly, and I hope and pray that this reaches you while there is still time to act upon its message…

This is an important message for a few of my closest and most trusted friends. So important and personal that I am sending it in Chinese, so as to avoid any problems with people who might intercept and use this information against me, my family or you, my friends who may be affected by this. But, again, I trust each of you not to tell anybody about this…

一定要喝你的阿华田

Remember, I’m counting on you…

Thanks for being there when I need you…

B

Please take care..

BK

Hello again, Gentle Reader… I have returned with, yet, another lesson on how to live your life successfully under any circumstances or conditions whatsoever…

Today, am going out to get a new tire for my wheelbarrow. As part of the process for doing that, this morning I looked into the mirror to make sure that the neighbor kids won’t be terrified when I leave my driveway and, upon doing so, I realized that a good hat will no longer suffice to make me appear well groomed. I am beyond that stage and it is time to invest in a haircut.

This man has just discovered that he has a severe case of Bed Hair. Note the pained expression on his face.  That's because he has just come back in from walking his dog around the neighborhood - and he did it before he looked into the mirror.. Pray for him. And the neighbors. But pray mostly for the dog, who attempted to hide his face the entire time he was outside with his "master"...

 

Or… is it?…

At almost any other time of year, this would be a great time to get a haircut. However, in my case, for today, at least, bad hair presents a once in a lifetime conundrum. Seriously – this will only come up one time during my whole life (unless I change barbers, and maybe not even then).

On this day,  the decision to get, or not to get, a haircut has become a matter of principle and priority. 

Principle: Nice men should look nice. People think I am a nice man. I should look nice.

Priority: Looking nice is nice. There is money involved. Screw looking nice.

It required some thought… And so I gave it some thought…

On one hand, today, I don’t qualify for the senior discount provided by the shop that cuts my hair and makes me reasonably presentable to other members of the human race.

On the other hand, next Friday I will qualify for the senior discount.

This situation was quite disconcerting to me. I want to look nice for my wife and my dog (not so much for the cat), but looking nice comes with a price (in this case, an extra $1.50 if I do it today vs. next week). 

(Let me give you a little background on something, here… Judy and I have started collecting our receipts so we can better evaluate who spends more money  how we invest our hard earned funds and how we can better live within our budgetary constraints. She has a box on her desk for her receipts, and I have a box on my desk for my receipts. So far, I have one receipt for $8.34 in my box.

I’m not used to this sort of internal battle, and I was having a problem making a final decision on whether to act today or wait a week and save a buck-fifty keeping me in the “who spends more money game. It was time to break out the big guns…

…This gave me a chance to use my newly acquired “Pro-Con” decision making tool:

haircutdecision

I quickly did so and immediately messed up the process by putting my issue in the wrong place on the form. Then, when I had made my decision, I left off my plan of action. And, finally, I put in the wrong year – should be 2015. At least I didn’t get ahead of myself… 

But, be that as it may, I made the crucial decision to – well, you can see for yourself above, and I don’t want to bore you by repeating repeating my final decision…

So, now I’m going to go to my truck, which (I just remembered) has been warming up for the past two hours as I have been writing this post, and go get a new tire for my wheelbarrow. 

And NOT get a haircut…

And save a dollar and fifty cents... Or maybe a bit less, since my truck has been running in place for the past two hours…

As always, Gentle Reader, if I may be of any assistance to you in the ways of living a more successful life, please don’t hesitate to contact me at one of my many personal email address: bilk@sti.net.

Until next time,

Live Life Successfully Or Die Trying…

Always, The Very William H. Kammerer, Jr. Esq. (Not)

Hello again, Gentle Reader,

Today’s subject is a continuation of my new found photo addiction, this time featuring the catastrophic effects of last night’s major wind storm and my recovery efforts. 

In an effort to give you an idea just how bad things were, and how great they became after my cleanup, I will display the photos in a “Before and After” format, with the “Before” shots coming before the “After” shots, and the after shots coming after the “Before” shots. (This will, hopefully, make the complicated situation a bit easier to comprehend.)

OK, let’s get started…

Patio Furniture Cushions and Umbrellas Before Repairs:

IMG_2825

 

Patio Furniture Cushions and Umbrellas After Repairs:

IMG_2826

Wheelbarrow Before Recovery:

IMG_2828

Wheelbarrow After Recovery:

IMG_2829

Observation Bench, Pre-Restoration:

IMG_2830

Observation Bench, Post-Restoration:

IMG_2831

Wayward Branch Before Massive Cleanup Effort:

IMG_2832

Wayward Branch After Massive Cleanup Effort:

IMG_2833

Fallen Tree Before Murphy and I Went Hiking In Yosemite:

IMG_2824

Fallen Tree After Murphy and I Returned From Hiking In Yosemite:

IMG_2827

Hey, it was Yosemite, OK? I’ll get to it…

Well, We all had such a great time with the “rocks” that I thought I would start photographing and naming some of the other personally owned inanimate objects in my life. This time, I have decided to go with my hats. Just one, to start with, but it’s a good one. In fact, it’s not just a good one, it’s a wonderful, wonderful one…

I was inspired by a commercial for the TV show , “Helix”. While I will probably never watch the show, there was something about the name that caught my attention. In fact, it brought me back to my childhood and made me think (warmly) about another TV show with a similar sounding name…

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you:

Helix the Hat

(The Wonderful, Wonderful Hat)

IMG_4741 IMG_4742 IMG_4740 IMG_4739 IMG_4743

IMG_2819

So I was looking for something exciting to do and nothing was coming to mind. Then I thought, “Hmmm… Maybe I”ll see if I can figure out this camera thing – I haven’t used an actual camera since I got a cell phone, and that might be fun.”
 
So then I thought, “But of what can I a picture take?”
 
And then I thought, “I know! I’ll take a picture of a rock! We must have a rock in the back yard somewhere, and I’ll hunt it out and take a picture when it’s not looking! Bwahahahahahaha…”
 
So then I went outside to find a rock to photograph…
 
I searched for hours and hours and hours. I searched high and I searched low. I searched the back yard and the side yard and the front yard…
 
And then – out of nowhere – I saw a rock in need of a selfie… *
 
I raised my camera thing… I aimed… I clicked the shutter…
 
And…
 
My rock was digitally immortalized… 
 
Then I thought, “With what shall I do this photograph, its preservation to ensure?”
 
I thought.. And I thought… I thought and thought and thought and thought and thought. Finally, I was thought out and nothing was happening, so I decided to commence to consider…
 
I considered and considered and considered and then considered again.
 
Considering wasn’t getting me very far, so I decided to ponder and see if that might help…
 
I pondered. I pondered again… I pondered again and again and again. I pondered and pondered and pondered and then I scratched my head and pondered one more time…
 
Still nothing. I was becoming discouraged and decided to get up out of my chair and walk around while pondering to see if that might trigger an idea.
 
While I was walking around pondering with all of my might, I happened to to see Judy working a puzzle and thought, “I wonder why Judy doesn’t use her Facebook account?”
 
Upon that thought, I froze in my tracks and, right out loud, said to myself, “Hey!! Maybe I can talk Judy into posting my picture on her Facebook page and make it available to the entire world, that everyone might enjoy the awesome beauty of my rock!”
 
I was excited!
 
So, with high hopes and expectaions, I asked her if she would do that…
 
But Alas… She refused.
 
And I became desperate… What was I to do? How would I share my joy?
 
Then Judy said, “Why don’t you put it up on your own Facebook page? It will mean so much more to your friends, coming straight from you…”
 
I wasn’t sure I had heard her correctly, so I asked her to repeat herself (something she HATES to do, I might add). She just looked at me and said, “You heard me.”
 
I rolled her idea around in my mind. I rolled it and rolled it and rolled it and rolled it again.
 
“Wait a minute… I wonder if this could work…”
And then, “Hmmm… This is interesting… I think that ‘rolling’ is more effective that ‘thinking’, ‘considering’ or ‘pondering’…
But I decided that to put it up on my own facebook page couldn’t do too much harm… In fact, I went out and found another rock to photograph and include in my upload…
 
In double fact, I found several, and have decide to upload the vast majority of them for your looking pleasure.
 
In triple fact, there are over a hundred of them to amaze you! Please, take your time as you gawk in disbelief and are overcome with wonderment. 

Or, at least, try not to fall asleep… 

To see (gawk in wonderment at) the rocks, click here…

Addendum:

* Since a rock is a rock, after all, and not an animate object, it is not capable of taking its own selfie, so I did it the honor of taking it for it.

Addendum #2:

Attention! Attention! Attention!

After a brief exchange (no, we didn’t swap underwear) with my friend Judy Eckberg Robertson, I have decided that our rocks need names. And, after further brief exchanges with Judy E.R. and Judy Kammerer, I thought it might be fun to open up the naming of our rocks to you, my adoring fans, friends and family….

What do you think? You want to help us name a rock? If so, just pick one and submit your entry.

Thank you for your kind attention… That is all…

To submit a name for a rock or rocks, click here…

I’m going to start out by admitting something that has been rolling around in my head for a week or two.

For a long time, I didn’t think I was getting any older, and the thought that I was not getting any younger never made it’s way into my head. However, that has changed, and I am ready to go on record as believing that I am, in fact, not getting any younger. 

At first, I was disappointed that I was not aging in reverse, but after some consideration, I have decided that that’s not a bad thing, and here’s why…

When I thought about it, I realized that time only moves forward, never backward, and the only way one can expect to be around tomorrow is to move forward with it and get older. When you stop moving forward with time and, therefore, stop getting older, you die (not necessarily in that order). The only way that anybody who is younger than me can catch up with me in years is if I stop aging (die). I figure it’s pretty much the same for all of us – you included. 

Once I figured that out, I realized that failure to get younger is not a bad price to pay for waking up tomorrow. And once I realized that, I was able to embrace getting older with a modicum of grace.

Moving forward in age is actually pretty cool. It presents us with a whole new set of things to think about when making plans for down the road.

One of those considerations is retirement…

Some day, in the next several years, I hope to retire (it’s either that or work until I die, and I much prefer the retirement route for as many years as possible before I finally bite the big one – but that’s not up to me, and I’m working on being ready when the big one gets bit), and when retirement day arrives, I’m gonna need something to do with whatever time I have left on this Earth. 

Up till now I haven’t actually given much thought to how I’m going to spend that time. Oh, I have considered volunteering and hiking a lot. Take up photography. Find some other frustrated musicians and start a 60s rock band (60’s meaning our ages, not necessarily the brand of music we would play). The usual stuff, I guess. 

But as far as serious activity plans, just about nothing has come to mind. 

Until today…

Yes, today. And, as is the case with most of my best ideas, it came to me in the grocery store. This time I never even got to the checkout stand before it hit me. This time it happened in… 

… The magazine isle. Yes, the magazine isle…

Judy was looking at some magazines in the magazine isle, and I was biding my time (being the patient husband) while she perused through publication after publication. Waiting… Waiting… Waiting. 

After approximately two weeks of wait time, I decided that if she could peruse then so could I.

And so I did…

Peruse… Peruse… Peruse until –

 – Whoa! I had perused myself through all sorts of works having to do with how to have the greatest marriage in the history of marriage, how to have muscles in places that do not currently exist on your (or anyone else’s) body and how to acquire millions in the house flipping industry –  when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a nine dollar rag with my future right there!

Yes, my quest (you know – the quest upon which I had not yet embarked) had been successful, and all I had to do was to go to the grocery store! 

Oh yeah – and wait patiently. Good things come to those who wait patiently. 

I was astounded at how easily I had patiently waited my way to revelation! Seriously, folks, forebearance really works. We should all try it sometime…

Anyway, back to my story…

At the exact moment that my eyes landed upon this magazine cover I knew that my life’s plan had been revealed to me. One look at the guy on the cover and I was thinking, “Holy cow!! That’s me! That guy in the picture is my doppelgänger! This is what I am supposed to do!” All I had to do now was to convince Judy that allowing me to make the nine dollar investment required to obtain the document that I would use to map out my future retirement activity program and I would be all set…

It took some doing, but after agreeing to never again go shopping with her after we are both retired she permitted me to spend the money. 

And so I did.

By now you may be wondering how I am going to spend my golden years. Well, here it is…

 

 

What to do on my permanent vacation

 

Yes, that’s right! I am going to become a modern day pioneer! I have already started reading up on skinning and selling furs and searching Craig’s list for classic guns and powder horns and leather leggings and jackets with fringes hanging down everywhere and other great backwoods companions! (I already have a couple of cowboy hats so I figure I’m off to a great start!)

I think I’ll probably start small on the “furs” thing. We have a couple of squirrels living in the back yard, and I can practice on them when I get my musket, slug making gear and Bowie Knife. 

Man, I’m totally stoked that I have finally found my true calling in life! I only wish it had come to me three or four decades sooner! I could already be living the good life climbing every mountain, fording every stream and following every rainbow until I find my dream… (Hmmm.. I wonder if there’s a song in there somewhere… Nah – it would never catch on…)

Anyway, I have bids in on ebay for some bear traps, whiskey and a fur hat for Winter trapping trips, and I want to make sure they don’t get away so I am going to sign off. 

But just one word of advice before I go. 

Guys, If you’re not the patient type when you are shopping with your wife, you may be missing out on opportunities that might not come your way again. Make the occasion a time of searching for that one thing you are missing in your life.

You will probably find it in the magazine isle…

 

 

Optimal Number of Guitars

See? Einstein really was a genius…

Names are important. Almost everybody I know has a name, or, at least, an initial, and for good reason. If you don’t have a name, you can’t tell when somebody is addressing you. In fact, if you don’t have a name, nobody knows how to address you in the first place.

This situation would have the potential to make interaction with other people awkward. 

Think about some of the things that would change if you didn’t have a name…

Roll call in school:

       “Mary Smith”                         “Present”

       “John Jones”                          “Present”

       “David Munchmorton”      “Present”

        ”                              ”                  “Present

 Getting Married:

          “I, Sally Sue Grinchmeister, take you… … …Uh – I’m not sure where to go from here.”

Applying for a driver’s license:

         “Name?…Name?…Name? ”       “… Uh…Present?”

We can see why we all need some sort of handle in oder to get through life with a minimum of difficulty. 

But what if we are stuck with a name so horrible that we would rather not bother with it? Some of us can use a middle name (or initial – see link below), but some of us can’t. For example (These are actual first and middle names – not necessarily in that order – that people give their children – really)…

Carrion Abass          (Boy)

Vegas Younique      (Girl)

Dolton Emporer      (Boy)

 Stony Richard          (Girl – Yes, girl)

Rage Vader                 (Boy)

Ahmiracal Pretty     (Girl – could be worse – could be for a boy)

Love U.                         (Boy – OK, that’s not real, but it could be)

Any or all of the names listed above (or the complete lack of a name to begin with) would give someone a great reason to make a change in moniker…

…But none of them come close to having as good a reason to make a change as a guy who – seemingly – has a perfectly serviceable (even really cool – even great) name.

A name that has a really manly ring to it. 

A name that a lot of guys would pay good money to have.

Who says that a television commercial cannot change your life…

 

Can you imagine working at State Farm and actually having the name “Jake”?

This guy does…

jake-goldthorpe-state-farm-insurance-agent-calgary-banner-410x160

His life must have become a living Hell…

6c2ee47900825928928a09481f554783

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My name is Truly… Love Truly… Love U. Truly. Yes, that’s my real name and no, it wasn’t easy growing up with that name.  It was hard – real hard, and I have always wondered what my parents were thinking when they tagged me with it. 

I would have been happier with a name like Rocky Smith. Or Max Jones. Or Sam Hamburgowitzheimerlocktonspineligrauptonstein. 

Or Penelope. Why couldn’t they just have named me ‘Penelope’ with no middle or last name? 

But it’s ‘Love U. Truly’, so I have to live with it. And what’s my middle name? What does the “U.” stand for? It’s ‘U.’. Just ‘U.’.  They couldn’t even come up with a decent middle name to which I can fall back when people ask me  my name. Most guys can fall back to their middle name (or, at least, a cool nick name) when they think their first name won’t do…

“Hi, I’m Harold, but you can call me Hal.”

Well, that doesn’t work for me…

“Hi, I’m U., but you can call me U.”..

See the difference? And there are several other problems associated with having a name like ‘Love U. Truly’. Prospective employers don’t take it seriously when they see it on my resume. 

 “OK – Who’s the joker? who put this fake resume on my desk?”

I have never had an actual job interview because my resumes keep getting tossed into the shredder. That being the case, I have never had an actual job. It’s really very sad…

I have tried to get gainful employment my entire life, only to be laughed out of Human Resource offices all over the state. 

I’ve tried opening my own business a couple of times, but have never been able to attract customers because the DBA didn’t come across right…

‘Love U. Truly Bail Bonds’

‘Love You Truly, Bounty Hunter’

‘Love You Truly, Body Guard’

‘Love you Truly, Professional Hit Man’

See what I mean? There’s a disconnect in there somewhere.

One of the major issues with the name is that of introducing one’s self to someone new. That can be a real challenge, and it was never a good time for me. 

Until the day I met my soul mate, the love of my life…

“So, What’s your name?”

“‘U.’. What’s yours?”

“I asked you first. “

“Yes, I know. Thank you for asking. I’m ‘U.’. Who are you?”

Wait a minute. You’re not me. I am me. You are you.”

“Right.”

“Tell you what… You tell me yours and I’ll tell you mine. You go first.”

“OK… I am ‘U..’ Who are you?”

“You haven’t told me your name, yet.”

“Yes I have – it’s ‘U.'”

“Wait a minute.. Are you telling me your name is ‘You? Y-o-u’?

“No, not ‘Y-o-u’ – Just “U..’ The letter ‘U..'”

“Your name is the Letter ‘U.?'”

“Yes. Well, that’s my middle name. My real first name is ‘Love,’ but I go by ‘U.’.”

“Your name is ‘Love’ and the letter ‘U.’?”

“Yes. ‘Love U.’ and only ‘U.’. Who are you?”

“I am ‘Me’.”

“OK – I think that we can agree that you are you and I am me, but what’s your name?”

“No, you are U. and I am Me, not you.”

“Yes, I am ‘U.’ and you are not me.”

“Yes I am.”

“Yes you are what?”

“I am ‘Me.'”

“Yes, you are, but who are you?”

“No, you are ‘U.’ and I am ‘Me.'”

“And we are we and we are all together, but who are you?”

“You are ‘U.'”

“We have established that I am ‘U.’ . What I don’t know is your name.”

“My name is ‘Me.'”

“Are you telling me that your name is ‘Me’?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“Ahhhh! Right! What’s your last name?”

“Wright.”

“Yes, I think I have your first name right.”

“No! You’ve got my first name wrong! My first name is ‘Me’!”

“Yes, right. I understand that, but what’s your last name?”  

“‘Wright’. My last name is ‘Wright’.”

“Your last name is ‘Right’? R-i-g-h-t?”

“No, that’s wrong. My last name is ‘Wright’ W-r-i-g-h-t.”

“Ahhhh… I think I have it – Your first name is ‘Me’, which is right; your last name is not ‘right’, which is wrong; but your last name is ‘Wright,’ which is right! Right?”

“Yes! That is truly right! I am ‘Me’ and you are ‘U’! What’s your last name?”

“Truly.”

“Yes, tell me truly.”

“That’s my name – ‘Truly’.”

“What’s your last name?”

“My last name is ‘Truly’.”

“Oh! Your last name is ‘Truly’!”

“Right!”

“No, My name is Wright!”

“Not Wright! Right!”

“Truly?”

“Yes.”

“I think I get it… Your name is ‘Love U. Truly.'”

“Correct. And you are ‘Me Wright’. Right?”

“Correct.”

“Do you have a middle name?”

“Yes, ‘No’.”

“You do? Or you don’t?”

“Yes I do.”

“Tell me what it is.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Why not what?”

“Why won’t you tell me your middle name?”

“I did.”

“You did? What is it?”  

“Yes I did. ‘No’.”

“You are saying that your middle name is ‘No’?”

“Yes.”

“So your full name is Me No Wright?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

Sigh… “I think I’m in love… Will you marry me?”

“I don’t know. Will he?”

“Will who what?”

“Will U. marry Me?”

“I just asked you that.”

“No, you just asked me if U. will marry Me. That’s different.”

“How is that different?”

“Why do you ask?”

And that, my friends, was when we decided to change our names to ‘Bill’ and ‘Judy’…  

Judy: “I love you.”

Me: “I love you, too.”

Judy: “You’re wonderful.”

Me: “You’re wonderful, too.”

Judy: “I’m not perfect.”

Me: “I am.”

Judy: “Well, I tried.”

What you said: “I set the alarm for 6:00 because I have a crock pot dinner to make.”

What I heard: “I set the alarm for 6:00 because I have a cough drop in my neck.”