Howdy again, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages! It’s time once again for another rip-roaring episode of
The Domestic Me:
Tales of Me Around The Domicile
When we last left our hero at the end of episode one of The Domestic Me, he had just finished explaining that he doesn’t cook much because he doesn’t like trying to find a place for pots and pans in the dishwasher, and so he doesn’t do anything to get them dirty, and so he doesn’t use them in cooking, and so he eats a lot of cold food.
What we have not been made aware of is the fact that he has since changed his eating habits (gone on a diet – utilizing a well known, though not to be named, program) and has, therefore, been eating very healthily over the past two weeks.
But what THAT doesn’t tell us is that, while he has been eating a lot of fruits and vegetables and other really good stuff and in the proper portion sizes, he has eaten a lot of those things raw. And as he tells it,
“I have really learned to hate raw carrots. I may have to cook something to relieve myself of this misery.”
And so, in the interest of relieving himself of the misery of eating another raw carrot or raw celery or raw lettuce or raw any vegetable or combination of vegetables, he finally decided to dirty up a few pots and pans on some broccoli and green beans..
From Scratch.
Using never been processed broccoli and green beans…
And so, friends, he found himself in the kitchen, alone with just two pots, a pile of green beans, a sack of fresh broccoli, a knife, some water, a stove and the determination to escape raw carrots.
Oh yeah – and a pre-packaged grilled chicken breast with instructions to put it into the micro-wave on high for 30 – 45 seconds or until warm. (Heating times may vary due to differences in microwave ovens.)
This last bit of information was to prove prophetic. But we’ll let his Facebook status updates and their resulting comments tell the rest of the story…
The Domestic Me – Episode one – Cooking: Why I Don’t
February 26, 2011
You can usually tell when Judy is out of town by looking at me. That’s because I loose weight, and that’s because I don’t put pots and pans into the dishwasher, and that’s because I don’t do anything that would mess them up. Meaning, of course, I don’t cook much when she’s gone.
Why don’t I cook? Well, in point of fact, I do. I have a serviceable microwave and a toaster, both of which are well within walking distance of the refrigerator… And I have pretty much figured out how to use them.
And, in the refrigerator, there is food. Fortunately, some of it doesn’t require much actual preparation. Even more fortunately, some of it (about 95% of what I use – the other 5% is Ice Cream) actually IS the preparation. It’s called milk.
Milk is an amazingly versatile food product in that it can be used in the preparation of a whole plethora of meals that don’t require actual heating, and some (one) that only require minimal heating.
Two that come to mind are Carnation Instant Breakfast and Quaker Instant Oatmeal, both of which are stapels of my “Judy ain’t around” dietary plan. And, for variety, I like to switch the oatmeal off with Cheerios or Wheat Chex on occasion. Or have one for breakfast and one for dinner.
Another food that is well accompanied by milk is Oreo Cookies. as well as the occasional Chips Ahoy. And then there’s the ultimate in my culinary talents, Skipy Super Chunk Peanut Butter, of which I consume copious amounts, both with bread and with a spoon.
I also consume minute amounts of raisins (mixed in with the oatmeal, usually), bananas (which I usually eat alone – somehow dunking a banana into milk just isn’t the same as performing the same chore with an Oreo) and walnuts (which I keep in a big blue plastic party cup on my desk to stave off those hunger pangs while I am working). Most of those don’t require much milk, though.
So, as you can see, I have all of the basic food groups covered with my dietary plan:
Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, Desert and In Between Meal Snacks.
How much more balanced can a guy be?
OK.. I can cook.. I have cooked in the past. But when I cook, I dirty up pots and pans, and they don’t do well in the dish washer – they take up too much room and you can only fit a couple of them at one time. And that wastes water and energy (mine). And Judy won’t wash them by hand.
Ergo, I don’t cook…
To read “The Fashionable Me’ and learn my valuable secrets on spring fashion, click here…
