Alternative Cuss Words
April 11, 2018
Remember when I introduced you to Shakespearian Insults? Well, now you have a chance to learn how to cuss without getting your mouth washed out with soap. (Hmmm… It seems that nowadays, that’s not a punishment, but some sort of competition.)
No longer do you have to resort to disgustingly bad language when you need to express frustration, anger, surprise, shock or simply the need to feel like a real “grownup”.
I have to give credit to my beautiful niece, Stephany, for providing this list to me. (Although, truth be told, I learned most of these in the Navy.)
The linguist Me – How To Speak French: Lesson One
December 11, 2017
Hello, Again, Gentle Reader(s),
This is the one. This is it. Finally, after all of these years, this is the post that is going to make me FAMOUS.
Oh! combien de temps j'ai attendu ce moment!
.
And it’s also going to help all of you to become more “continental” and refined and good at talking French.
Yes, I am going to teach you all how to parle Francais! In French, even! And in three French Dialects! When I’m done with you, you will be able to travel almost anywhere where French is the spoken language and be able to order a hamburger or a wind up toy train!
Here’s how it’s going to work:
First, I will display a photo which contains an object labeled in English, followed by the French translation of the English.
Next, you will click on the audio file and listen carefully to the pronunciation (which I remember entirely from Mr. Twohy’s French class in my sophomore year at St. Bonaventure High School in 1966 – 67).
Next, you can listen to the subsequent audio files to get the Southern France and French-Canadian dialects, if you so wish.
Shall we get started?
Regular French
Southern French
French-Canadian
2.
Regular French
Southern French
French-Canadian
3.
Regular French
Southern French
French-Canadian
Well, students, our time is up for this week.
See you next time! And until then,
How To Utilize Shakespeareian Insults
January 24, 2017
You know how, sometimes, you want to succinctly express your feelings to someone in such a way as to let them know exactly what you think of them? And you want to do it without using any really bad words? And you can’t think of any way to do it without using any of the really bad words you really want to use but would feel really badly about it if you did? And so you just don’t say anything at all?
You Stifle yourself for the sake of propriety.
On the one hand, this is a very good thing to do – it shows maturity and self control when, in many cases, you may be justified in letting the other guy verbally have it; but because you are a really nice person, you just bite your tongue and keep your thoughts to yourself.
Is that not just about the most frustrating thing in the world?
Well take heart, my good person, because I have stumbled upon a way to inform anyone who irritates you exactly what you think of them without the use of any really bad words at all!
Yes, that’s right! You can exercise your right to insult the _____ing _____y ______e who has just proven him/herself to be exactly what you don’t want to say and do it in such a way that you can say it without any self recrimination or fear of getting your mouth washed out with Lifebuoy.
Imagine a situation where someone has just demonstrated themselves to be exactly what you don’t want to say, but you are able to say something even better.
For example, instead of calling them a _____ing _____y ______e, you can say,
“Thou gorebellied pottle-deep canker-blossom!”
or
“Thou clouted milk-livered malt-worm!”.
You can even go as far as saying
“Thou beslubbering tardy-gated skainsmate!”
without having to go to confession because of the really bad words that you didn’t use! And, at the same time, you can demonstrate that you actually are quite the cultured individual because you can sound “Shakespeare”-ish.
“So how do I do this,” you ask? It’s easy! Simply look at the chart below and follow the instructions and in no time at all you’ll be insulting everyone from your boss to your doctor; from your spouse to your daughter’s boyfriend; from your used car salesman to your grocery clerk, all while impressing them with your knowledge of The Barb!
No need to thank me. I didn’t come up with this, but I really wish that I had.
The Linguistic Me: Phase One: Donde Esta El Bano?
April 26, 2011
Many years ago, when I was a freshman at St. Bonaventure High School, I took a couple of semesters of French. Sadly, everything I learned in all of that time was limited to the phrase “je ne comprends pas”. It wasn’t much, but it has served me well whenever I have actually been called upon to say something – anything – in French, which hasn’t been very often.
Fast forward about 12 years and you will find me at San Diego State University in a college Spanish class. Two semesters worth. The difference was that I actually learned a few things in those classes, largely because, in the second semester, class was held at Mexican restaurants and we got to use the language outside the classroom.
Now fast forward again about 20 years…
In 1997, Judy and I went to Puerto Vallarta for 6 days, courtesy of my employer at the time. It was not a business trip, but an anniversary gift trip in honor of my 10th year with the company – I loved that company…
We had a wonderful time! Among other things, it gave me an opportunity to brush up on the Spanish that I had “learned” so many years before. You can imagine that I was a little rusty after not using any of it for all that time, and I was excited to finally have the opportunity to use what I had learned in real life situations with real life Spanish speaking people.
Yes, at long last, I was going to use phrases like “Where is the bathroom?”, “Beer, please” and “Do you speak Spanish?” in a foreign language and have non-English speaking folks understand me!
We also brought along an English to Spanish dictionary in case I wanted to say something more than the above mentioned sentences, but after a few days, I was getting into the flow pretty well (by the third day I knew the location of just about every restroom in the city and I had met all kinds of people who spoke Spanish), and we didn’t have to use it as much as we did when we first got there. By mid-week, I was practically one of the locals, language wise, or so I thought..
On Thursday we ventured forth to the one place I was dreading – the local shopping bazar… I was dreading it because I knew that Judy would want to buy one of each. But I was also looking forward to it because it would give me a chance to ask a LOT of shop keepers for beer and a restroom.
We spent much of the day perusing the shops, Judy looking at all kinds of things to buy (and thankfully not buying that much), and I dazzling the shop keepers with my language skills, so we were both having a great time…
Finally, we were talking with a shop owner and (in my opinion) I was doing fine with the lingo.. Suddenly, and without warning, the man busted up laughing so hard that tears were beginning to dribble from his eyelids. I was a bit flummoxed because I didn’t know what he was laughing about, so I pulled out the English to Spanish dictionary to see what was wrong with him. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that, rather than saying what I thought I was saying, I had just attempted to arrange a date between Judy and the man’s dog for Saturday night…
I learned a great deal on our trip to Puerto Vallarta, but these things stand out…
- I learned that most places there have bottled or filtered water so you can feel safe about learning to say something more than “Quick! Hurry! Tell me where the bathroom is! RIGHT NOW! Por favor.”
- I learned that Mexican shop keepers will not let their dogs date American women.
- And I learned that it’s pretty useless to ask Spanish speaking people if they speak Spanish.
It has now been a very long time since I have attempted to speak Spanish in a real life situation, and I believe that I am now ready to venture forth on some new foreign language foray. BUT this time I’m going to do things a bit differently than I have done in the past…
I have decided to become a linguist. Not the kind of linguist who lings normal languages like Russian (Pycko), Taditional Chinese (漢語) or Klingon (tlhIngan Hol). No, those languages are far too common for me to speak, listen to and teach. The world is already full of people who can speak those languages.
Actually, I have determined that in order for me to best use my talents as a linguist to further my ambitions and achieve my goals, I need to find a language that nobody else knows. Doing this will afford me the following benefits:
- I will be able to further hone my, somewhat limited, current linguistic skills (hopefully, to something beyond plain English).
- This will enable me to practice on other people without the fear that I will make a complete buffoon of myself by requesting a lift to the other end of spoon.
- Allow me to monopolize the linguist market in that language, thereby making it possible for me to become the world’s first expert in that language.
- This, of course, will open up vast opportunities for building wealth and enabling me to pay next month’s electric and gasoline bills.
So, with that in mind, I now begin my quest to find a language that only I know, and I am enlisting you, my readers, to assist me in my search…
Here’s where you come in…
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Next: Where you come in…
