Gravity… It’s really bringing me down today…It’s times like this that I wish my mother had a sister named “Gravity”. Then I could call on Aunty Gravity to lift me up, again…
Yet another successful session of self-inflicted nostril follicle trimming… Judy will be pleased.
Hello, again, Gentle Reader(s?),
Yes, it’s time, once again, for you to make a decision on whether or not to continue reading a post from me. I’ll give you a minute to decide…
Still here? OK! We shall proceed.
Let’s take a moment to review this year…
Never mind – let’s not.
All in all, though, a pretty tough year for ALL of us, and it is hard to come up with something positive to say about this year.
But, as some of you may suspect, I try to be positive in any situation (we are currently engulfed by smoke and ashes, just a little less than a mile from the “evacuation warning” perimeter made possible by the Creek Fire, here in the Sierra Mountains).
In my efforts to find something positive to say about the entire year, I have come up with this…
Many of us are familiar with bad words. Some of them are really nasty. You may even remember my previous post on “Alternative Cuss Words“. And I would venture to guess that you remember that now-famous line, uttered by Ralphie, from the movie, A Christmas Story” (One of my top two favorite films of all time)…
Well, I have, I believe, come up with a new and even BETTER “THE word. The BIG one. The QUEEN MOTHER of dirty words. The 2- – – word.”
Yes, that’s right. Those of us who abhor hearing or reading the “f- – -“, or “s- – -” or “(input your – – – -‘s here) words in everyday speech and correspondence may now have a chance to NOT hear or read those – – – -s.
Think of the possibilities:
“Ooooh twweeeennnntttyyy-nnniiiiinnnnnneteeeeeeennnnn! Only I didn’t say nineteen.”
“Well, we sure 2- – -‘d that up!”
Then, of course, there’s the famous greeting,
“Hey, m- – – – -2- – -“!
See? You can always find something positive in just about any situation. Even if nobody agrees with you…
Really, though, take care, be safe, and look for the positive – even though it’s well hidden, it’s there…
I’m so positive that if a negative person came around me they would be in for a huge shock. But they might come out of it more grounded. – The Very William H. Kammerer, Jr., Esq. (Not)
Well, SIP continues and I hope that all of my reader(s?) are doing OK. I know it’s a bit stressful for everyone – maybe even boring in some cases.
That being the case, I thought that I might be able to help out with some ideas to help combat the boredom a bit by letting you know how I am keeping busy.
To begin, let me assure you that we are doing fine. Fortunately, Judy is still working at the hospital, which leaves me time to accomplish a lot of things around the homestead.
Monday, I discovered that *tinnitus notwithstanding, I was able to actually hear my beard growing! It’s an amazing sound if you’ve never heard it.
*Tuesday, I placed an ice cube in a bowl, set it on the coffee table in front of the TV, stared at it and melted it using only my brainpower. (It DID take longer than I thought it would, but at least I was able to add that information to my already extensive psychic knowledge. Not to mention the fact that I can now check that one off my bucket list.)
*In the interest of full disclosure, I actually got the idea for this from a meme I saw on the interwebs and it seemed like something I could do so I decided to give it a shot. I have to say IT WORKS!
Wednesday, I started my truck:
Thursday, I have actually taken two showers. I am a very clean man, and my clothing (especially my underwear) is exceedingly grateful.
Friday, I’m trying to decide whether to read poetry to the Front Porch Fishes; get up extra early to track and narrate the progress of the pond lilies opening-up
; or, perhaps, a combination of the two. It’s so hard to decide…
Well, I hope that gives you some good ideas on things to try!
Take care (being serious, here)!
Does Ikea sell 1,000 piece puzzles already assembled?
Today is a day that will live forever in my mind, heart, and soul. For, today, I achieved a victory, not to be taken lightly. A victory so momentous, so stupendous, so unimaginably grandiose, that one would have to go back centuries – perhaps millennia – to find it’s superior or even its equal.” – The Very William H. Kammerer, Jr., Esq. (Not) April 18, 2020
Yes, it happened. And it was really pretty much a shock – completely unexpected.
It happened like this…
(Begin fade-in-dream-sequence music)
As we are accustomed to doing on any given Saturday afternoon, Judy and I exited our home to make our weekly trip to the grocery store. We had a shortlist of needs and planned to be out of the market within about 15 minutes to give us time to retrieve the take-out order of Spaghetti (for Judy) and Calzone (for me) from one of our favorite Italian restaurants. They, of course, are not open for sit-down business during this time of social distancing, but they are taking orders over the phone.
In order to speed up our shopping process, Judy and I split the list. I went one direction and she another, agreeing to meet in the ice cream aisle when we had acquired our assigned items.
I was headed for the milk/cashew milk/coffee-mate section of the store when it occurred to me that I hadn’t yet had my weekly disappointment in the most popular aisle in any store since the current pandemic began…
Yes, the paper goods aisle.
As I approached that section of the store, I noticed the usual bare shelving units, completely devoid of even dust at this late time of the week.
Except for waaayyy down at the other end of the aisle. Down where the paper towels are located. Except across the aisle from the paper towels.
Where the baby diapers reside.
For some reason, I decided to take a detour and head that way on my way to where I needed to go next.
As I approached the baby diapers, I looked more closely at the blue and white packagers (about a dozen, or so) and realized that they weren’t diapers, but appeared to be paper towels.
I looked a bit more closely because I didn’t recognize the brand of paper towels.
I, literally, put my face to within about six inches of the package, trying to discern, purely out of curiosity, how many towels there were inside the package. We are accustomed to getting them in packages of eight rolls, and these seem a bit like a two roll package. I began calculating the price difference between the four packages of two rolls of this brand and one package of eight rolls of our usual brand (Bounty) and figured that the larger package was the better buy.
But something didn’t seem right. Something was off…
I picked up the package I was inspecting and looked at it more closely. I noticed that, If I held the package at just the right angle, in just the right light, and with just the right side facing me, there were more than two rolls of paper towels contained within. There were, in fact, six rolls of paper towels! But they were each only about one third the width of normal towels.
My first thought at this realization was, “Boy, these are totally useless,” so I started searching for a description of what sort of function they could possibly serve.
I found things like, “Ultra Clean Care,” “Strong Cleaning Ripples,” “Texture Resistante,” “Papier Hygienique,” “Une Proprete Rafraichissante,” and “Debarbouillettes Jetables=.”
I was thinking, “What in the name of all that is Holy is this stuff?” None of this made any sense to me.
And then, just as I was about to place the package back on the shelf, one of my eyes – I’m really not sure which one, but one of them, for sure – caught some fine print that both of them had previously missed.
I stood there, staring. Something wasn’t quite computing, but I knew that I had to be patient, if for no other reason than I had already wasted more of my fifteen minutes than was safe to admit to Judy, so I kept glaring at the letters assembled before my uncomprehending eyes, waiting for the correct translation of whatever language they were attempting to communicate in.
And then, as if struck by lightning, it hit me! The letters were speaking English – and they were saying:
I actually bobbled the package and almost dropped it to the floor!
How could this possibly be? Wasn’t toilet paper illegal any more? I mean, when was the last time you saw toilet paper in any store or online or in your bathroom?
Once I recovered from the initial shock of my discovery, I immediately ran to the ice cream aisle, where I found Judy. You should have seen the look on her face when I waved the TP in her face and placed it into the basket!! I could tell that she was excited, too, because she immediately asked me, “Where’s the milk?”
I haven’t put gas in my truck in weeks. Over a month, actually, and it was almost down to half full (I like to think positively). So, about 15 minutes ago, I went out and put almost half a tank of gas to bring it back up to full.
Two positives, here:
1 – It was the most exciting thing I’ve done today and
2 – I made sure to get it done before the prices fall again.
I would say, “Be still my heart,” but I’m afraid that it might…
For the first time in my life, I’m praying for somebody to TP my house.
Badly in need of a haircut… And I don’t have a bowl that will fit my head…
I almost shaved yesterday. I know I’m going to sometime. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon. And for the rest of my life…
I really prefer standing to sitting when I get the chance. I’m not a fan of sitting. People don’t seem to understand that, and when I am asked why I don’t sit down, I just tell them that I can’t stand sitting… BK
Hello, again Gentle Reader(s?),
Somebody, somewhere, says that some days are easier than others. At least, that’s what I have been told.
The following is a true story and I have the pictures to prove it… In fact, I think I’ll just let the pictures speak for themselves and save you the effort of reading the approximately 11,000 words that would be required to tell the story.
I will, however, just mention how this started.
We needed a board. A 2 x 4, to be exact. There. It’s started…
There. Definitive proof that I have the mechanical ability of a cumquat.
I almost got a haircut today. Really – I did. Almost.
I really need a haircut. Badly. And I actually asked for and received $20.00 cash back at the grocery store specifically for the purpose of obtaining one. Not only that, but the barber shop is located in the same shopping center as the grocery store. Only about 250 feet away, in fact.
I even told my wife that I was going to get my haircut today. And a couple of friends, too.
I really wanted to, but I didn’t.
So why didn’t I?
Well, the macro explanation is that I pride myself on being frugal (read that, “cheap”.)
The micro explanation, as one would expect, is a bit more explanatory.
Week after next, 75% of our children are showing up at our house from, literally, hundreds and thousands of miles away in different directions around the country. This, in and of itself, would normally neither cause me to visit or not visit the hairdresser, however, this particular visit is for the purpose of filming scenes in our movie project.
My hair needs to look more like this…
…And less like this…
The issue is not that my hair needs to look like it does in every other scene in the film (although it does) and in order for that to happen, I have to get it cut. And the issue is not that if I get it cut this week I will probably have to have it cut again next week, too. The issue is not that if I get it cut this week it will cost me $20.00, or if I get it cut next week it will cost me $20.00.
The issue is that if I get it cut this week and I get it cut next week, it will cost me $40.00.
Hence, no haircut today, but a haircut next week.
Because I am frugal.
Breakfast. The most important meal of the day.
This morning, though, I’m not really hungry. But if I was really hungry, what would I eat?
This is the question that has plagued me for thousands of years, “What do I want for breakfast?” I never have a definitive answer to that question.
Judy never has a problem deciding how to start her nutritional day. And she is creative and unafraid to explore new culinary possibilities.
For example, this morning I slowly maneuvered my way into the kitchen, drawn by an odor of which I had not previously been aware, only to spy a frying pan hosting an egg and something I never would have imagined – two halves of a banana nut muffin cut, not top to bottom, but across the center, with the “ragged” sides buttered up and facing down to the hot pan.
Soon the naked surfaces of the muffin had sufficiently toasted. She then gently slapped the egg between the two halves, wrapped it into a napkin, stuck it into a bowl, gathered up her many purses and went out the door headed to work.
Do people really do that? I honestly don’t know, but Judy did.
This left me alone to contemplate my own breakfast needs, wants and desires. What do I want for breakfast? What shall I make? How shall I make it? As mentioned above, I’m not really hungry, and… and… and…
I think I have just had an epiphany!
I just realized that…
The amount of effort one is willing to expend in the preparation of breakfast is directly proportional to the amount of hunger one is experiencing at that particular moment.
Hmmm… I should contemplate food more often…
Well, as excited as I am about my newfound life lesson, I’m still not hungry and, therefore, still not any closer to figuring out what to fix myself to Break my overnight Fast which, after all, is the whole purpose of breakfast in the first place.
So many options; so little ambition…