There is no Tri-Tip. There is only Do-Tip or Do-Not-Tip.
There is no Tri-Tip. There is only Do-Tip or Do-Not-Tip.
Click here to catch up on everything and have some idea what the heck is going on… and start at the bottom of the page with Part 1 (one).
Click here to go to Part Five (5)… so you know where we left off…
Well, Bovine enthusiasts, it’s been almost four (4) years since last we met on the subject of cows. I’m thinking I have left you hanging long enough. But take solace in the fact that this will, perhaps, be the last of the trilogy. Who knows…
Yes, it is, in fact, a fact that chickens smell multitudes worse than cows. Multitudes squared, actually.
While cows can smell items up to six miles away, you, as a human being, can smell a chicken ranch at nearly twice that distance, given favorable (or unfavorable, depending on how you smell it) wind direction. In that regard, cows can be labeled “fortunate”.
I say “fortunate” because nobody wants to be the stinkiest object in the room. Not even a cow. And with chickens providing such negatively aromatic competition, the typical cow can point an accusatory hoof at the nearest barnyard provider of delicious eggs and deflect most, if not all, thoughts of disgust otherwise aimed toward her.
But lets face it, even though a cow is not a chicken, she still emits a pretty “fowl” odor.
But lets further face it, if there are chickens around, a cow doesn’t smell nearly so bad. This is especially true if you live in rural areas of the planet.
But lets further face it further. If you are a city dweller, you, most likely, don’t live in very close proximity of a true, bonafide chicken raising, egg producing, heavily populated chicken ranch. And you probably don’t have the foggiest idea just how much the chickens on that ranch poop. And you don’t have ANY idea what that sh – stuff smells like in large quantities.
Well let me tell you, city slicker, I DO! And it ain’t ANYTHING like your brand newly planted front lawn.
Uh… sorry. Got a little carried away…
“So,” you ask, “just how bad can a chicken smell, anyway?”
I am pleased that you have brought that up. To answer that question, I have assembled a short list of “how bads” for your consideration.
That’s how bad it is. It’s awful. Really awful.
And that, my friend, is what makes a cow smell so good.
And on that note, it’s time to say…
…Yes, it’s true – cows stink. But let’s not panic over that…
It’s been a couple of years (0ne year and 364 days, to be exact – but who’s counting?) since I left you all hanging, wondering how I am going to explain the benefits of having cow “scents”.
If you have been keeping up, you know that cows have their own distinktive aroma. There’s nothing else quite like it on the planet. True, there are things that are close, but not quite exact enough to be awarded a cigar. Cow odor is unique among all creatures great and small, and about the closest thing to it is the way a brand newly planted lawn smells on a hot day…
I have noticed that many people don’t actually like the way cows smell, and I find that just a bit mystifying. While it’s true that a herd of cows will probably never win any fragrance awards in the human realm, there are worse smelling things than a cow…
And this, my friends, brings me to the main points of this report…
Well, believe it or not, I have been pondering these questions over the past two years, searching for workable answers, and not coming up with even one.
Until last night…
That’s when I was “listening” to my lovely wife, Judy, read to me from her latest work on Translational Medicine…
She was reading from her notes on Translational Medicine, and I was listening – hanging on every word, in fact. But I am a very talented multi-thinker, and was able to simultaneously pay nearly undivided attention to her while continuing my uninterrupted search for the answer to why cows smell the way they do.
At one point during her presentation, I asked her the clarifying question, “But how do you incorporate systemic therapeutic approaches targeting multiple factors such as and did you know that cows have an incredible sense of smell, and, in fact, it’s believed that they can smell something up to six miles away? OH! LOOK! There’s the perfect place to hang my “burnt guitars” picture!”
I stopped.. I rewound.. I replayed what I had just said…
“SIX… MILES… AWAY…”
And that’s when it hit me…
“Wait a minute… Cows smell really bad, yeah, but they also smell really well.“
At this point, Judy appeared to have completed her speech, so I became free to focus my complete attention on the questions at hand…
And here’s what I came up with… The reason cows smell the way they do is ……………………………………………………………………………………………..
Yes, I said “chickens.”
Unless you have ever lived within ten miles down wind of a chicken ranch, you have no idea how refreshing it can be to smell a cow.
And that’s where we will pick up when, again, we continue…
Yippee-Ki-Yay all you Cow Facts fans out there!
Well, partners, I figure it’s time to get an idea on how much you’re really payin’ attention to the valuable information bein’ made available to you in The Cow Facts Trilogy and, like most tests administered today, there are no wrong answers.
Yep! You cannot possibly pass or fail this test, but it will give you a sense of accomplishment just to know that you won’t do any worse than anybody else! And, after all, isn’t that what life is all about?
If it will help you feel better prepared, you can click on this link (Or just scroll down to the bottom of this page or go to the ‘categories’ drop down on the right side of this page and select “Cow Facts” and start at the beginning) and refresh your memory by reading one or more parts of the trilogy before you take the quiz…
And when you feel ready, just click on the words “Take Our Survey” and begin your odyssey into the land of complete and udder ambiguity, where cows rule the roost and ice cream is made…
Welcome to… The Cow Zone...
Click here to go to Part 5 (Which was actually written after part 6 – Go figure.)
Everybody likes cows, or, at least they should. That’s because cows are eminently likable. They are gentle creatures who, if they live in California at least, are happy to make us milk and cheese and cream and other dairy products.
Also, properly prepared, they taste good.
Cows have all sorts of wonderful qualities and attributes. Where would we be without them? Think of all of the things that we would be missing without cows (other than the obvious, I mean)…
And perhaps worst of all,
Yes, cows are a part of our every day lives, and we don’t often stop to think about that. So the next time you put on a pair of shoes, thank a cobbler. And if they are leather shoes, thank a cow…
But there are some things that a cow just cannot do…
But even if a cow could, somehow, be taught to do one or more of those things, there is one thing that a cow can never, ever, ever, in any universe, do…
A cow cannot, under any circumstances, smell good.
Let’s face it – cows stink.
And because they offend the typical human olfactory senses, they are passed over for many opportunities which are available to people who don’t smell half as bad as the typical cow. (Is that fair? I’ll leave it to you to decide – I’m just reporting the facts, here.)
And this will be our jumping off point for the next installment of The Cow Facts Trilogy…
Click here to go to Part 6 (Which used to be part 5, but was demoted. Don’t ask. Just go there.)
Most of you probably thought that we were done with Cow Facts two years ago. Or, at least, you were hoping we were.
Well, sadly for some of you, this is clearly not the case…
Not only is Cow Facts back in the saddle, it now qualifies (according to my own arbitrary rules for category qualification – the “Bill Kammerer Rules For Category Qualification”) as it’s own category – that’s right! If you search by category and input the words “Cow Facts”, you will be brought to a page that has all of the episodes of this timeless masterpiece gathered in one place…
Also, you will notice that this is part “Four” (4) of a trilogy. Now, we all know that a trilogy is made up of exactly three (3) parts. So why is there a part “Four” (4)? *
* Lest you think that I am some sort of mathematical moron, just let me say that there are three kinds of people in the world:
- The ones who can do math and
- The ones who can’t.
There is actually a very good reason for that, and I’m going to make it up right here on the spot so that you understand what that reason is.
A one (1) part trilogy would not be a “oneilgy” (though you might refer to it as a “monology”, I guess) because it only has one (1) part and needs no further titular explanation.
A two (2) part trilogy would be referred to as a “dualogy”.
Then, of course, we come to “trilogy”, a three (3) part series.
Then we come to where we would be now if I were going to be here – Quadrilogy – a set of four (4) episodes and then on to five (5) or “pentology”..
If I’m going to knock out four of these things, it stands to reason that I might just keep going on ad nauseam (refer to my biography) until way past the time that the cows come home, so to speak…
I can go on to Part Five (5) and blow through that with no problem, but Six (6) is where I draw the line...
Six (6) would be a “Sexology”, and I’m just not that kind of writer.
Therefor, if I do 137 parts to Cow Facts, it will remain a ‘Trilogy”.
End of major notice…
A Cow By Any Other Name
News flash!!! I have a new Cow Fact to report!
Cows smell bad. Really bad.
But I’m hungry now, and I don’t want to ruin my meager dinner thinking about that, so you’re going to have to wait to read about it…
How To Rate A Cow
It has become evident to me, by carefully analyzing the data gathered from the survey in my last post, that most of us have no idea how to rate a cow.
So, once again, I went to the almighty “Google” and entered my query “how to rate a cow”. And, once again, I was presented with a plethora of sites related to the topic at hand… sort of…
As it turns out, there are about three trillion ways to rate the bovine species (approximately one method for each dollar of debt the U.S. is about to incur, if you include interest. But I digress…).
For example, One site – concentrates on the “Syneresis Rate of Cow’s, Ewe’s, and Goat’s Curd. Effect of Thermal Treatment and Ultrafiltration”.
Another focuses on the “Improvement of the rate of cow dung decomposition using rock wool for maintaining the fermentation heat.” (While this is not, strictly speaking, a rating of cows, it does contain the words “Rate” and “Cow”, so I decided to cut them some slack and give them honorable mention.)
And then there are the multiple Bovine dating sites that popped up – really:
* “RateMyCow.com – the greatest cow rating site in the developed world
Ratemycow is a dating site for cows and bulls to meet online and rate photographs of themselves.
http://www.ratemycow.co.uk/ – 30k – Cached – Similar pages”
* Something told me not to click on this link, and so I didn’t.
Because of the numerous sites and rating criteria available to the cow connoisseur, I have decided to take it upon myself to narrow it down to two possible categories – namely, my two favorite parts of a cow – milk and steak.
However, for the sake of brevity, I will limit myself to the rating of cows milk, and leave the meat for a possible later discussion…
And so we launch…
Because I couldn’t actually find any sort of rating system for the grading of cows based upon the quality of milk they produce, I am forced to come up with my own highly scientific method of doing so… Here’s what I came up with…
Cows will be graded on a scale of 1 – 5 according to the quality of milk produced based on the following six categories:
o White is best
o Green is not best
o Ice cold is best
o Luke warm is worst
o No is best
o Yes is worst
This is a particularly difficult category because it is in direct conflict with nature, as is the next category…
o If it tastes like it won’t make you fat, then it doesn’t taste as good as milk can taste, but it won’t make you as fat as fast as milk that tastes like it will make you fat but tastes great, will – This is best
o If it tastes like it will make you fat, then it probably will, and it will taste as good as milk can taste – Unfortunately, this is worst
This one goes hand in hand with the next category…
o Rather thin, not quite like water – Best
o Somewhat creamy, though not thick – worst (Bummer)
o Almost infinitely enhances the experience of eating Oreo Cookies – This is best
o Causes Oreo Cookies to immediately evaporate on contact – This is worst
Additionally, while the scale of 1 – 5 is the norm, occasionally a cow may produce milk of such high quality that it will merit a score above 5, though only temporarily. This score will be displayed on the cow in the form of a removable yellow tag, clipped to the ear, with the score written on it.
Likewise, a cow may produce milk of such poor quality that it rates a score of less than 1. If the cow is sufficiently bad, the score will be permanently branded upon her torso, in plain sight.
So there we have it… The six qualities of milk which, when mixed together and averaged out on a scale of 1 – 5, will give us the rating of the cow in question.
I have decided to call this the Professor William H. Kammerer, Jr. Cow Scale, in honor of my dad, William H. Kammerer Sr..
Time to look at a couple of cow examples (as photographed by my lovely wife, Judy, while on her way to work one day) and observe the practical application of the William H. Kammerer, Jr. Cow Scale (Kinda rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?).
Cow Number 1:
This cow has a (temporary) rating of 74, and is an example of the rarest occurrence of her species – the nearly unheard of “Bovine Over Achiever”. At some point recently, she produced a quantity of milk of stratospherically high quality – a here-to-fore believed to be impossible combination of the six categories –
We LOVE this cow…
Cow Number 2:
This cow has achieved a rating of -3 (Minus 3). It produces Squid milk that tastes like rotting fish.
Farmers hate this cow. It wouldn’t make a good hamburger…
BUT – there’s more… Even worse, this cow is part of an entire herd of particularly vile creatures, as caught on “film” by my wife… Observe, if you dare, the putrid gathering…
One can only imagine the deadly hazards of stepping in the wrong spot in this pasture…
** As a public service to those of you who have requested clarification on a couple of points made in this post, I am writing this short addendum.
Question 1: Why is the “over 5” rating temporary?
Answer 1: Good question. Here’s the logic behind that decision:
Question 2: Why is a rating below “1” permanent?
Answer 2: Glad you asked. Here’s why:
Question 3: Well then, why not give it a lower rating?
Answer 3: This has to do with something called “Political Cowrectness”:
Question 4: So what? Just turn it into steak.
Answer 4: Unfortunately, cows this bad can no longer be used as food or clothing of any kind. Once a cow is somehow missed in the inspection process and degenerates to this level, she is routinely consigned to the “weed field” and becomes a “herbicide” – saves on chemical weed killers…
Sorry, that’s all the time we have for questions…
Where Do We Go From Here?
This will be mercifully short…
Response to “Cow Facts…” has been unexpectedly strong, and of high quantity. Therefore, I have decided two things
Once I have determined our level of proficiency regarding the fascinating world of cows, I will better be able to fashion my writings in ways most unimaginable to you, and to the world in general… Armed with the basic information to be gleaned from my survey, I will take the lead as we, as a single cohesive unit – C.O.W.S., march forward into history.
…I intend to make this the premier cow information site available in the immediate universe.
But first, the survey…
To take the survey, click on the URL below…
Select the one that most applies to your experience/knowledge of cows
By the way, Judy was on her way to work and spied a herd of cows… She stopped on the side of the road and actually took pictures… Upon close inspection of one of the photos, I discovered that she had found the answer to a mystery long ago forgotten…
Cow Pie In The Sky?
How much do you know about cows? How much do most of us know about cows? Having lived in rural areas for about the past 30 years, you would think I would know more about cows than I really do. But I really don’t.
Almost everything I know about cows I learned last week in The Java Mountain News– a local area newsletter with, well, local news… It’s kind of like a newspaper except much smaller, and it has a lot more advertising.
Anyway, I happened to spy the JMN while shopping, with Judy, for groceries one day last week. It was right there at the checkout stand… And it was free… I couldn’t resist something free at a grocery store, so I took it and threw it onto the belt along with the milk, bread and bathroom tissue (toilet paper, in the real world). I had no intention of actually reading it, mind you, but, as I said, it was free…
But Judy read it. And that’s why I know more about cows than I knew two weeks ago…
Here’s most of what I knew about cows before last week:
Here’s most of what I learned about cows last week:
o I have intentionally left out some facts because I will refer to them later on in this discussion.
I see cows all the time – you can’t help it when you live where I live. They’re all over the place – you can see them dotting the landscape, usually behind fences, along the roads around here. Sometimes you don’t even need to see them to know they are around.
But I have only seen cows up close a few times in my entire life – mostly while running through the bovine exhibit at the (Del Mar) San Diego County Fair, looking for the shortest possible route to the Deep Fried Ice Cream Cone booth.
And I have never, as far as I know, touched a fully assembled cow.
The closest thing to physical contact with cows that I can claim is with the one(s) I wear on my feet and, for reasons of modesty, around my waist. Of course there is the face-to-face contact with them between the opposing sides of a bun or in a glass. (Milk is my favorite drink – I like it much better than Shrimp Juice (which I hate).
o Many of you know of my aversion to fish, brought about by a bad experience I had while in the Navy. As result of this experience, I can’t eat seafood. I mean, I can eat seafood, it just won’t stay eaten for long. Therefore, I take my fish in gel-cap form and hope that I can get the capsule down before the skin wears through.
By now, I’m sure you are asking yourself, “What’s got into him? Why is he going on about cows?”
Well, Cows are going to make us – you and me – wealthy. Filthy-ugly-stinking-rich.
How are they going to do that?
Well, I’m going to tell you. Starting right now…
Last Thursday morning, while Judy, Steven, Billy and I were motoring our way to the home of our middle son (Shawn) and his wife (Megan) for Thanksgiving dinner, Judy brought up the topic of “cows”.
“Do you know that cows do more to cause holes in the ozone layer than just about anything else?” she asked.
“I know that they expel a lot of methane gas,” I replied. “What made you think to bring it up?”
“Well, I read it in the Java Mountain News that you added to the grocery bag the other day. And that’s not all,” she continued. “The gas emitted by a single cow could heat a house for a year.”
(Upon my own investigation, I found that she was nine cows shy on this number, but that makes no difference to the point of this discussion.)
“Holy Co… Mackerel! A year? Really?”
“And do you know how cows release all those hydrocarbons?”
“Yes, I believe I do,” was my response.
“No, I don’t believe you do,” was her response to my response.
And before I could argue the point, she told me how they do it…
“Most of the gasses released by cows come in the form of burps.”
This truly was news to me. I didn’t even know cows burped. However, I actually did some cursory searching on Google and found several articles about actual government funding of cow burp research. You can find anything on Google…
She went on to list a few more facts about cows (see a few paragraphs north of here), but I was stuck on the idea of heating my house and –
And then it hit me…
If one cow can heat a house for a year, how many cows does it take to run a car for a year? Or, more to the point, how many cow belches would it take?
And how can I harvest the required gasses?
Then THAT hit me…
All I would have to do is find some way to capture the gas as it leaves the cow (from whichever end of the equation), force it directly to the newly designed “cow gas” tank and then to the newly designed “cow gas” engine.
Some sort of “hose” system seemed, at first thought, to be in order. The problem with that, though, is getting the cow to agree to the required placement of the hoses (one for each end)…
o The average life span of a cow is seven years. The average anticipated life span of a person attempting to install hoses into an unwilling cow is about seven seconds…
Direct installation seemed to be a bad idea…
Then I thought about some sort of “mask” fitted to the cow’s face, and something larger at the other end… Sort of a “reverse gas mask”, as it were… The hoses could then be “indirectly” attached to the cow…
This idea seems to be somewhat better if for no other reason than it is a far less intrusive solution, and is likely to be more agreeable to the cow.
This could be modified for home heating use in the winter.
But there is a downside to this method. If the cow has a mask over it’s face, how will she be able to eat the grass that becomes the gas that runs the car that Bill built?
There are other obstacles to be overcome, too. For instance:
o It may be difficult to convince a cow that only half of her is needed at a given time.
In the case of home heating, where would you install the cows? It would not do to have two and a half cows roaming around the living room, dragging their hoses along with them. The damage would be horrendous.
o Damage to the house could be mitigated by slowly repeating the word “c-o-w h-i-d-e” ** over and over when they look like they might be planning some sort of destruction.
o ** It is important to note that any reference to the term “Cow Hide”, in the context of this discussion, does not refer to the popular bovine parlor game of concealing one’s self from view by, say, placing one’s self under a lamp shade or behind a flag pole, but, rather, to the stuff your sofa and car seats are made of.
In rural areas, I believe this is actually quite easily overcome by devising a way to connect the cow to a modified propane tank located outside the house and utilizing the propane lines already run from the tank to the house. The real challenge is the connection between the cow and a city home or apartment building.
Connection to a vehicle might prove to be somewhat less difficult. I envision some sort of trailer equipped with the proper connections to the fuel tank.
Another option, here, would be the slight expansion of the size of the trunk or installation of an additional back seat in order to accommodate the cow/fuel supply.
o The main purpose of providing fuel to the vehicle
o The secondary purpose of providing a running, and audible, report of the amount of fuel available to run the vehicle – burps…
With Option one:
Imagine driving down the road towing a fuel trailer behind your car, not knowing if it has been thirty minutes or two hours since your cow last belched…
“How much gas ya think we got, Elmer?”
“Don’t know, Farley – ain’t heard Bessie since we loaded ‘er up when we left the apartment.”
“Too bad the intercom to the trailer got busted when we was packin’ ‘er in.”
And then it happens… the car starts to slow down… You mash the pedal to the floor, but you know it’s no use – you have run out of fumes, and now you’re stuck in the middle of New York City with no feed store within 73 city blocks – and Bessie is mad…
Now consider the second option – the smart option…
You’re driving down the road with your fuel supply right there behind you in the back seat. Every few minutes you hear the cow sound that’s music to your ears, and you know, beyond the shadow of any doubt whatsoever, that you will reach your destination…
“What are you feedin’ that cow, Clem? She’s bein’ right productive today.”
“Yup. I’m usin’ that new high octane hay stuff, Floyd. You ought to try it in your cow – it’s great!”
“Maybe Elmer shoulda spent a little more money on his cow feed… He and Farley and them other innocent bystanders might still be alive today if he had…”
“Darn shame ’bout them getting stranded in the middle of Manhattan the way they did – no gas… No feed store around for miles…”
“And that crazy cow of his going berserk like that and springing a leak in the hind quarter hose connection… All that residual escapin’ that way… Terrible way to go, Clem – terrible way to go…”
“Yup. Don’t get much worse than death by breathin’ dairy air, Floyd. But it wasn’t the feed, Floyd… It was that fuel trailer – He couldn’t tell how much gas he had because he couldn’t hear his cow…”
“Yup… Darn shame…”
“Well, we got us a good setup, Floyd. We can tell exactly how much gas we got just by listnin’ to Daisy Mae.”
“Great day in the mornin’, Clem! Didja hear that? That one’ll get us another forty miles…”
Can you imagine the money we can make with this??? The government bail out money alone could be billions!!! Then there’s the Nobel Prize (which I claim for myself because this was my idea).
To this end, I have decided to take it upon myself to form an organization dedicated to the promotion, research, development, production and marketing of bovine produced fuels and fuel systems. And, I have decided to let you, my loyal readers, all in on the ground floor if you want!
Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my honor to introduce to you an organization that really needs an introduction:
The Society For the
Collection Of Wastegasesproducedbybelchingbovine S
If you want in, just scrape your left hoof backwards in the dirt three times while holding out your right hand to your local congressional representative and say “Moo…”