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Category: Cow Facts
Cow Facts 9: The Truth About Steak – 1
There is no Tri-Tip. There is only Do-Tip or Do-Not-Tip.
BK
Cow Facts Trilogy – Part Eight (8): Cows – Everybody Needs One
Click here to catch up on everything and have some idea what the heck is going on… and start with Part 1 (one).
Click here to go to Part Seven (7)… so you know where we left off – even though it has nothing to do with what you are about to read.
Well, Friends, It’s been almost exactly two years since our last foray into the amazing world of cows and a lot has happened since then.
But I digress…
Since so many of my wife have brought it up, I have decided to embark on yet another amazing treatise on bovines. This time concentrating on benefits and practicalities of possessing a cow, not for fuel, not for milk, not for the much-required supply of lawn fertilizer, but simply for the joy of having a cow friend with whom to play and commiserate during those times when everybody is mad at, and nobody wants to be around, you.
Yes, friends, everybody needs a pet, and I submit that a cow could be a great pet.
Consider this: How friendly could a cow be if she knew that she would never wind up on a hot griddle or between the two halves of a bun?
Imagine your life with a pet cow…
(Dream sequence music starts here)
There you are, arriving home from a particularly difficult day at work and you know that your wife will be upset with you because, as you just realized, you forgot to stop on the way home to pick up the twenty-four pack of Muscle Milk she asked – no, demanded – you to get. Starting to sweat profusely at the thought of walking into the house without the Muscle Milk, you pull into the driveway. Cautiously, you exit the vehicle. Praying, you start to make your way to the front door and, upon arrival, you hesitantly reach for the doorknob. Using your left hand, you turn it counter-clockwise (because that’s the way your mother taught you to open a door) and, with a grimace, you slowly, gently (just as you pronounce the word, “Amen.”) push… open… the door…
Suddenly, to your shock and everlasting gratitude for prayers answered, you see your best friend – Daisy – running at full speed and leaping into your arms to greet you! Daisy is not your wife. Your wife is Hildegard. Daisy is your beloved and cuddly pet cow, and she is happy to see you!
And, despite nearly being crushed to death, and the destruction of your house and most of the furnishings inside, you are happy to see Daisy!
(Exit dream sequence music starts here)
See what I mean? Having a cow as a pet could be a beautiful thing.
“But,” you say, “I already have a cat.”
Many of us have pet cats. Judy and I have had several. Most recently, a feral that figured out how to get into the house through the doggy door in the laundry room.
Judy named her “Lucinda”. I felt that she was appropriately named because I believe that “Lucinda” is female for “Lucifer”.
But that’s another story for another post…
Let’s look at cats and cows for a minute. For now, let’s not concentrate on the differences, between the two, let’s look at the ways in which they are the same, or at least similar. For example, the words Cat and Cow begin with the same letter of the alphabet:
C
If you think about it, this is a great start.
How else are they the same, or similar?
They both speak in languages that begin with the same letter:
M
Yes, again we see how they are the same. Cat’s say “Meow” and cows say “Moo”. With a little practice, I think they could probably talk to each other and get along quite well. They could have some great conversations about the weather, their favorite sports teams and even about how much they love their owners.
Also, they both have four legs and a tail. They can go for long walks on the beach together, discussing the origins of the universe all the while swatting away flies.
Now, let’s investigate some of the challenges that might arise when, in lieu of a cat, you have welcomed a cow into your home.
- A cat will use a litter box filled with cat litter to deposit former meals. However, cow litter is not easily available in most grocery or pet stores. In fact, you may also have an issue finding an appropriately sized “cow litter box”.
- You will need a larger space in which to place the litter box and store the litter.
- Even after obtaining the necessary litter products and successfully placing them, you will have to train the cow in the proper utilization of the items in question. This may take a bit of doing as most cows are not familiar with waste elimination etiquette.
- Many felines are quite affectionate. You may find them occupying your lap, your bed or the back of your sofa. If you find a cow who likes you, you may have to get a larger lap, bed or sofa to accommodate this, albeit loving, intrusion.
- For those who have multi-story houses, while a cow can probably climb stairs, it’s probably best to keep them on the bottom floor of your home. Especially if you lack cow-capable umbrellas.
And now for some of the possible benefits of adopting a cow as a pet (aside from the obvious energy resource possibilities of owning a cow).
- You will never lose your cow when it attempts to hide (hyde?) in the house. It won’t fit under a bed, sofa or behind the toilet.
- You won’t have to worry about finding dead animal puzzles in the hallway, bedroom, laundry or dining room. Cows are not known for hunting birds, ground squirrels gophers, lizards, snakes, rats or anything else not larger than themselves.
- A cow will never hide in the bookshelf, waiting for you to pass by so it can leap out and land on your back, sliding down, claws extended, rendering your flesh shredded from your shoulders (possibly exposing and/or damaging or completely obliterating the supraspinatus, subscapularis, infraspinatus and/or teres minor musculature) to your ankles when you least expect it. This lack of aggression may also lead to fewer heart attacks.
- The likelihood of tripping over your cow in the dark is actually quite remote. This makes the chances of broken bones, sprained ankles or accidental death from this type of accident equally remote.
- Finally, the smell alone is enough to keep away unwanted visitors (although, a slight increase in the fly population may be a minimal risk). There is little danger, however, of keeping away those who really like you. They will understand you and will be willing to accommodate your affinity for “exotic” pets as long as they stay off their laps.
And now for the real reason for this plea…
There are plenty of cows available for immediate rescue/adoption. And let’s try to remember what happens to cows kept only for their utilitarian existence. Once they are no longer fulfilling their “purpose”, they are not simply discarded… They end up on your hamburger bun or covering your new sofa… (Or if they are unfortunate enough to live just outside New York City or other metropolitan areas within driving distance of a hunting preserve, across the hood of your neighbor’s car who thinks he just shot a deer.)
So what do you say, my fellow Bovine enthusiasts? Is it time for you to do whatever it takes to save a cow who, otherwise, has no future? Take that next step and adopt a cow.
After all, the worst that can happen is that you could end up with a nice chair…
Until next time (probably another two years),
Moo.
And for the reading impaired…
Click here to go to Part Nine (9)
To go to the beginning of this riveting series, go here…
Cow Facts Trilogy – Part Seven (7): A Cow By Any Other Name (cont’d) Or What’s So Good About Smelling Like A Cow (cont’d from Part Five (5))?
Click here to catch up on everything and have some idea what the heck is going on… and start at the bottom of the page with Part 1 (one).
Click here to go to Part Five (5)… so you know where we left off…
Well, Bovine enthusiasts, it’s been almost four (4) years since last we met on the subject of cows. I’m thinking I have left you hanging long enough. But take solace in the fact that this will, perhaps, be the last of the trilogy. Who knows…
So…
Yes, it is, in fact, a fact that chickens smell multitudes worse than cows. Multitudes squared, actually.
While cows can smell items up to six miles away, you, as a human being, can smell a chicken ranch at nearly twice that distance, given favorable (or unfavorable, depending on how you smell it) wind direction. In that regard, cows can be labeled “fortunate”.
I say “fortunate” because nobody wants to be the stinkiest object in the room. Not even a cow. And with chickens providing such negatively aromatic competition, the typical cow can point an accusatory hoof at the nearest barnyard provider of delicious eggs and deflect most, if not all, thoughts of disgust otherwise aimed toward her.
But lets face it, even though a cow is not a chicken, she still emits a pretty “fowl” odor.
But lets further face it, if there are chickens around, a cow doesn’t smell nearly so bad. This is especially true if you live in rural areas of the planet.
But lets further face it further. If you are a city dweller, you, most likely, don’t live in very close proximity of a true, bonafide chicken raising, egg producing, heavily populated chicken ranch. And you probably don’t have the foggiest idea just how much the chickens on that ranch poop. And you don’t have ANY idea what that sh – stuff smells like in large quantities.
Well let me tell you, city slicker, I DO! And it ain’t ANYTHING like your brand newly planted front lawn.
Uh… sorry. Got a little carried away…
“So,” you ask, “just how bad can a chicken smell, anyway?”
I am pleased that you have brought that up. To answer that question, I have assembled a short list of “how bads” for your consideration.
- The odor emanating from a small to medium sized chicken ranch is so bad that you can hear it.
- (Yes, you can actually hear the smell, and it is not nearly as appealing as the sound of screeching brakes ending with a crash and the sound of breaking glass.)
- A chicken ranch can smell so bad that, over a long period of exposure, roosters have been known to lay eggs.
- (Yes, even chickens are negatively impacted by their own smell.)
- I’ve seen uninitiated folks have their socks curl up, disintegrate and fall out of their shoes at the first whiff of a working chicken ranch.
- (Yes, up. Not down – up.)
- And, finally, a chicken ranch ALWAYS smells so bad that it makes a cow smell like Nirvana Rose perfume.
- (Yes, women – and the men who smell them – would rather smell like a cow than be subjected to the odor of the average chicken ranch.)
That’s how bad it is. It’s awful. Really awful.
And that, my friend, is what makes a cow smell so good.
Comparatively.
And on that note, it’s time to say…
Moo…
Cow Facts Trilogy – Part Five (5): A Cow By Any Other Name (cont’d) Or What’s So Good About Smelling Like A Cow?
Click here to catch up on everything and have some idea what the heck is going on…
…Yes, it’s true – cows stink. But let’s not panic over that…
It’s been a couple of years (0ne year and 364 days, to be exact – but who’s counting?) since I left you all hanging, wondering how I am going to explain the benefits of having cow “scents”.
Here’s how…
If you have been keeping up, you know that cows have their own distinktive aroma. There’s nothing else quite like it on the planet. True, there are things that are close, but not quite exact enough to be awarded a cigar. Cow odor is unique among all creatures great and small, and about the closest thing to it is the way a brand newly planted lawn smells on a hot day…
I have noticed that many people don’t actually like the way cows smell, and I find that just a bit mystifying. While it’s true that a herd of cows will probably never win any fragrance awards in the human realm, there are worse smelling things than a cow…
And this, my friends, brings me to the main points of this report…
- What could possibly smell worse than a cow?
- Why is it that cows smell the way they do?
- When did cows begin to smell that way?
- Where can one go to learn to appreciate the odor of a cow?
- How is it that cows smell so good?
Well, believe it or not, I have been pondering these questions over the past two years, searching for workable answers, and not coming up with even one.
Until last night…
That’s when I was “listening” to my lovely wife, Judy, read to me from her latest work on Translational Medicine…
She was reading from her notes on Translational Medicine, and I was listening – hanging on every word, in fact. But I am a very talented multi-thinker, and was able to simultaneously pay nearly undivided attention to her while continuing my uninterrupted search for the answer to why cows smell the way they do.
At one point during her presentation, I asked her the clarifying question, “But how do you incorporate systemic therapeutic approaches targeting multiple factors such as and did you know that cows have an incredible sense of smell, and, in fact, it’s believed that they can smell something up to six miles away? OH! LOOK! There’s the perfect place to hang my “burnt guitars” picture!”
I stopped.. I rewound.. I replayed what I had just said…
“SIX… MILES… AWAY…”
And that’s when it hit me…
“Wait a minute… Cows smell really bad, yeah, but they also smell really well.“
At this point, Judy appeared to have completed her speech, so I became free to focus my complete attention on the questions at hand…
And here’s what I came up with… The reason cows smell the way they do is ……………………………………………………………………………………………..
Chickens.
Yes, I said “chickens.”
Unless you have ever lived within ten miles down wind of a chicken ranch, you have no idea how refreshing it can be to smell a cow.
And that’s where we will pick up when, again, we continue…
Moo.
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Click here to catch up on everything and have some idea what the heck is going on…
Cow Facts Trilogy – The Part Previously Know As Five (5), But Now Known As Six (6): Time To Test Your Knowledge Of Cows!
Yippee-Ki-Yay all you Cow Facts fans out there!
Well, partners, I figure it’s time to get an idea on how much you’re really payin’ attention to the valuable information bein’ made available to you in The Cow Facts Trilogy and, like most tests administered today, there are no wrong answers.
Yep! You cannot possibly pass or fail this test, but it will give you a sense of accomplishment just to know that you won’t do any worse than anybody else! And, after all, isn’t that what life is all about?
If it will help you feel better prepared, you can click on this link (Or just scroll down to the bottom of this page or go to the ‘categories’ drop down on the right side of this page and select “Cow Facts” and start at the beginning) and refresh your memory by reading one or more parts of the trilogy before you take the quiz…
And when you feel ready, just click on the words “Take Our Survey” and begin your odyssey into the land of complete and udder ambiguity, where cows rule the roost and ice cream is made…
Welcome to… The Cow Zone...
Click here to go to Part 5 (Which was actually written after part 6 – Go figure.)
Cow Facts Trilogy – Part Four Again (4 Again): A Cow By Any Other Name…
Everybody likes cows, or, at least they should. That’s because cows are eminently likable. They are gentle creatures who, if they live in California at least, are happy to make us milk and cheese and cream and other dairy products.
Also, properly prepared, they taste good.
Cows have all sorts of wonderful qualities and attributes. Where would we be without them? Think of all of the things that we would be missing without cows (other than the obvious, I mean)…
- Cowards – without cows, they would just be “Ards” – and who wants to be one of those?
- Cowcatcher – Without cows, we couldn’t tell if we were talking about railroads or baseball.
- Cow Pie – without our beloved cows, we would just have pies. Hmm.. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing…
And perhaps worst of all,
- Cowboys – without cows, they would just be “Boys”
- Think about that – we would have to endure an endless stream of “Boy” movies and “Boy” songs and “Boy” tales.
Yes, cows are a part of our every day lives, and we don’t often stop to think about that. So the next time you put on a pair of shoes, thank a cobbler. And if they are leather shoes, thank a cow…
But there are some things that a cow just cannot do…
- A cow cannot shoot pool.
- A cow cannot engage in a round of thumb wrestling.
- A cow cannot shuffle a deck of cards.
But even if a cow could, somehow, be taught to do one or more of those things, there is one thing that a cow can never, ever, ever, in any universe, do…
A cow cannot, under any circumstances, smell good.
Let’s face it – cows stink.
And because they offend the typical human olfactory senses, they are passed over for many opportunities which are available to people who don’t smell half as bad as the typical cow. (Is that fair? I’ll leave it to you to decide – I’m just reporting the facts, here.)
And this will be our jumping off point for the next installment of The Cow Facts Trilogy…
Moo.
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Click here to go to Part 6 (Which used to be part 5, but was demoted. Don’t ask. Just go there.)
Prelude to “Cow Facts Trilogy – Part Four (4)” – A Major Announcement
Major Notice:
Most of you probably thought that we were done with Cow Facts two years ago. Or, at least, you were hoping we were.
Well, sadly for some of you, this is clearly not the case…
Not only is Cow Facts back in the saddle, it now qualifies (according to my own arbitrary rules for category qualification – the “Bill Kammerer Rules For Category Qualification”) as it’s own category – that’s right! If you search by category and input the words “Cow Facts”, you will be brought to a page that has all of the episodes of this timeless masterpiece gathered in one place…
Also, you will notice that this is part “Four” (4) of a trilogy. Now, we all know that a trilogy is made up of exactly three (3) parts. So why is there a part “Four” (4)? *
* Lest you think that I am some sort of mathematical moron, just let me say that there are three kinds of people in the world:
- The ones who can do math and
- The ones who can’t.
There is actually a very good reason for that, and I’m going to make it up right here on the spot so that you understand what that reason is.
Explanation:
A one (1) part trilogy would not be a “oneilgy” (though you might refer to it as a “monology”, I guess) because it only has one (1) part and needs no further titular explanation.
A two (2) part trilogy would be referred to as a “dualogy”.
Then, of course, we come to “trilogy”, a three (3) part series.
Then we come to where we would be now if I were going to be here – Quadrilogy – a set of four (4) episodes and then on to five (5) or “pentology”..
If I’m going to knock out four of these things, it stands to reason that I might just keep going on ad nauseam (refer to my biography) until way past the time that the cows come home, so to speak…
I can go on to Part Five (5) and blow through that with no problem, but Six (6) is where I draw the line...
Six (6) would be a “Sexology”, and I’m just not that kind of writer.
Therefor, if I do 137 parts to Cow Facts, it will remain a ‘Trilogy”.
End of major notice…
A Cow By Any Other Name
Posted 6/12/11
News flash!!! I have a new Cow Fact to report!
Cows smell bad. Really bad.
But I’m hungry now, and I don’t want to ruin my meager dinner thinking about that, so you’re going to have to wait to read about it…
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Cow Facts Trilogy – Part Three (3)…
How To Rate A Cow
Posted 3/14/09
It has become evident to me, by carefully analyzing the data gathered from the survey in my last post, that most of us have no idea how to rate a cow.
Including me.
So, once again, I went to the almighty “Google” and entered my query “how to rate a cow”. And, once again, I was presented with a plethora of sites related to the topic at hand… sort of…
As it turns out, there are about three trillion ways to rate the bovine species (approximately one method for each dollar of debt the U.S. is about to incur, if you include interest. But I digress…).
For example, One site – concentrates on the “Syneresis Rate of Cow’s, Ewe’s, and Goat’s Curd. Effect of Thermal Treatment and Ultrafiltration”.
Another focuses on the “Improvement of the rate of cow dung decomposition using rock wool for maintaining the fermentation heat.” (While this is not, strictly speaking, a rating of cows, it does contain the words “Rate” and “Cow”, so I decided to cut them some slack and give them honorable mention.)
And then there are the multiple Bovine dating sites that popped up – really:
* “RateMyCow.com – the greatest cow rating site in the developed world
Ratemycow is a dating site for cows and bulls to meet online and rate photographs of themselves.
http://www.ratemycow.co.uk/ – 30k – Cached – Similar pages”
* Something told me not to click on this link, and so I didn’t.
Because of the numerous sites and rating criteria available to the cow connoisseur, I have decided to take it upon myself to narrow it down to two possible categories – namely, my two favorite parts of a cow – milk and steak.
However, for the sake of brevity, I will limit myself to the rating of cows milk, and leave the meat for a possible later discussion…
And so we launch…
Because I couldn’t actually find any sort of rating system for the grading of cows based upon the quality of milk they produce, I am forced to come up with my own highly scientific method of doing so… Here’s what I came up with…
Cows will be graded on a scale of 1 – 5 according to the quality of milk produced based on the following six categories:
- Color of the milk
o White is best
o Green is not best
- Temperature of milk
o Ice cold is best
o Luke warm is worst
- Will the milk make you fat?
o No is best
o Yes is worst
This is a particularly difficult category because it is in direct conflict with nature, as is the next category…
- How does the milk taste?
o If it tastes like it won’t make you fat, then it doesn’t taste as good as milk can taste, but it won’t make you as fat as fast as milk that tastes like it will make you fat but tastes great, will – This is best
o If it tastes like it will make you fat, then it probably will, and it will taste as good as milk can taste – Unfortunately, this is worst
This one goes hand in hand with the next category…
- Consistency
o Rather thin, not quite like water – Best
o Somewhat creamy, though not thick – worst (Bummer)
- How does the milk interact with Oreos
o Almost infinitely enhances the experience of eating Oreo Cookies – This is best
o Causes Oreo Cookies to immediately evaporate on contact – This is worst
Additionally, while the scale of 1 – 5 is the norm, occasionally a cow may produce milk of such high quality that it will merit a score above 5, though only temporarily. This score will be displayed on the cow in the form of a removable yellow tag, clipped to the ear, with the score written on it.
Likewise, a cow may produce milk of such poor quality that it rates a score of less than 1. If the cow is sufficiently bad, the score will be permanently branded upon her torso, in plain sight.
So there we have it… The six qualities of milk which, when mixed together and averaged out on a scale of 1 – 5, will give us the rating of the cow in question.
I have decided to call this the Professor William H. Kammerer, Jr. Cow Scale, in honor of my dad, William H. Kammerer Sr..
Time to look at a couple of cow examples (as photographed by my lovely wife, Judy, while on her way to work one day) and observe the practical application of the William H. Kammerer, Jr. Cow Scale (Kinda rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?).
Cow Number 1:
This cow has a (temporary) rating of 74, and is an example of the rarest occurrence of her species – the nearly unheard of “Bovine Over Achiever”. At some point recently, she produced a quantity of milk of stratospherically high quality – a here-to-fore believed to be impossible combination of the six categories –
- Color: Whiter than white
- Temperature: 40 degrees “F” at the time of milking
- Fattening? : No – In fact, the milk from this cow will cause you to loose weight by negating any empty calories consumed within three hours (before and after) of downing a glass
- Taste: Like the most fattening milk available on the market today – Unbelievably good flavor
- Consistency: Just below cream level
- Oreo Factor: Three days after eating an Oreo Cookie with the milk from this cow, the afterglow persists
We LOVE this cow…
Cow Number 2:
This cow has achieved a rating of -3 (Minus 3). It produces Squid milk that tastes like rotting fish.
- Color: The same color as a 1970’s era “just darker than Lime Green” Leisure Suit
- Temperature: A balmy 83 degrees “F” after five days in a garage freezer
- Fattening?: Is the ocean wet?
- Taste: See above
- Consistency: Steamy large curd cottage cheese at the time of milking
- Oreo Factor: They couldn’t get an Oreo within five feet of this stuff – One cookie was actually heard to scream as it was brought into proximity of the milk from this cow, just before it disappeared in a puff of Oreo steam
Farmers hate this cow. It wouldn’t make a good hamburger…
BUT – there’s more… Even worse, this cow is part of an entire herd of particularly vile creatures, as caught on “film” by my wife… Observe, if you dare, the putrid gathering…
One can only imagine the deadly hazards of stepping in the wrong spot in this pasture…
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Addendum
** As a public service to those of you who have requested clarification on a couple of points made in this post, I am writing this short addendum.
Question 1: Why is the “over 5” rating temporary?
Answer 1: Good question. Here’s the logic behind that decision:
- If a cow happens to rate above “5” at a given point, it could be because she was having an especially good day, week or month. She will eventually slip…
- Of course, it could also mean that she really is that good. But over time she will age and slide backwards – and her rating will naturally reflect this “slideage” – it happens to all of us at some point…
- When this happens, the quality of her work will (if she lives long enough) diminish to the point where it hits a rating of “1”. Any lower than this and she becomes an “eater” and is now worse than useless to the farmer – she is costing him money. This is where steak comes from.
Question 2: Why is a rating below “1” permanent?
Answer 2: Glad you asked. Here’s why:
- It directly relates to the reasoning above – When a cow hits that lowly level, it’s usually because she is on the way down and nature takes it’s course. From here on out, the creature will only degrade further, so the animal will never again attain the lowest of the “acceptable” ratings, “1”.
- Because the cow has only one function to the farmer, it really has no opportunity to learn a new trade and improve it’s lot in life by becoming, say, a race horse.
- It will always be a bad cow, an “eater”.
Question 3: Well then, why not give it a lower rating?
Answer 3: This has to do with something called “Political Cowrectness”:
- If you lower a cow’s rating to something below “-3” (-3 has been determined to be the breaking point), the cow will feel bad about itself and stop eating.
Question 4: So what? Just turn it into steak.
Answer 4: Unfortunately, cows this bad can no longer be used as food or clothing of any kind. Once a cow is somehow missed in the inspection process and degenerates to this level, she is routinely consigned to the “weed field” and becomes a “herbicide” – saves on chemical weed killers…
Sorry, that’s all the time we have for questions…
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Cow Facts Trilogy – Part Two (2)…
Where Do We Go From Here?
Posted 12/21/08
This will be mercifully short…
Response to “Cow Facts…” has been unexpectedly strong, and of high quantity. Therefore, I have decided two things
- I will continue to publish my thoughts on cows, albeit with shorter entries (probably, though not for sure, inserted somewhere within the contents of my eternal Bio. I am even in the process of devising a “contest” of sorts, complete with FREE prizes (of sorts)… But I’ll get to that at a later time, after I have fleshed out all of the details).
- In the interest of better serving you, my loyal reader, I have implemented a special survey designed to help me figure out exactly what I’m dealing with here…
Once I have determined our level of proficiency regarding the fascinating world of cows, I will better be able to fashion my writings in ways most unimaginable to you, and to the world in general… Armed with the basic information to be gleaned from my survey, I will take the lead as we, as a single cohesive unit – C.O.W.S., march forward into history.
…I intend to make this the premier cow information site available in the immediate universe.
But first, the survey…
To take the survey, click on the URL below…
Select the one that most applies to your experience/knowledge of cows
( surveys)
By the way, Judy was on her way to work and spied a herd of cows… She stopped on the side of the road and actually took pictures… Upon close inspection of one of the photos, I discovered that she had found the answer to a mystery long ago forgotten…
To go to “Cow Facts…Cow Pie In The Sky”, click on this link:
Cow Facts Trilogy – Part One (1)…
Cow Pie In The Sky?
Posted 12/6/08
How much do you know about cows? How much do most of us know about cows? Having lived in rural areas for about the past 30 years, you would think I would know more about cows than I really do. But I really don’t.
Almost everything I know about cows I learned last week in The Java Mountain News– a local area newsletter with, well, local news… It’s kind of like a newspaper except much smaller, and it has a lot more advertising.
Anyway, I happened to spy the JMN while shopping, with Judy, for groceries one day last week. It was right there at the checkout stand… And it was free… I couldn’t resist something free at a grocery store, so I took it and threw it onto the belt along with the milk, bread and bathroom tissue (toilet paper, in the real world). I had no intention of actually reading it, mind you, but, as I said, it was free…
But Judy read it. And that’s why I know more about cows than I knew two weeks ago…
Here’s most of what I knew about cows before last week:
- Cows eat grass.
- Cows make milk.
- Unlike some of us who only look like we have four stomachs, cows actually do have four stomachs. (actually one stomach with four chambers)
- Cows say “Moo”.
Here’s most of what I learned about cows last week:
- A healthy cow can produce about 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime.
- The oldest cow ever recorded was named Big Bertha, and she lived to be forty-eight years old.
- She also holds the world record for number of calves produced – thirty-nine.
- A cow has no upper teeth.
- A cow consumes up to 100 pounds of feed per day.
- A cow drinks about a bathtub’s worth of water each day.
o I have intentionally left out some facts because I will refer to them later on in this discussion.
I see cows all the time – you can’t help it when you live where I live. They’re all over the place – you can see them dotting the landscape, usually behind fences, along the roads around here. Sometimes you don’t even need to see them to know they are around.
But I have only seen cows up close a few times in my entire life – mostly while running through the bovine exhibit at the (Del Mar) San Diego County Fair, looking for the shortest possible route to the Deep Fried Ice Cream Cone booth.
And I have never, as far as I know, touched a fully assembled cow.
The closest thing to physical contact with cows that I can claim is with the one(s) I wear on my feet and, for reasons of modesty, around my waist. Of course there is the face-to-face contact with them between the opposing sides of a bun or in a glass. (Milk is my favorite drink – I like it much better than Shrimp Juice (which I hate).
o Many of you know of my aversion to fish, brought about by a bad experience I had while in the Navy. As result of this experience, I can’t eat seafood. I mean, I can eat seafood, it just won’t stay eaten for long. Therefore, I take my fish in gel-cap form and hope that I can get the capsule down before the skin wears through.
By now, I’m sure you are asking yourself, “What’s got into him? Why is he going on about cows?”
Well, Cows are going to make us – you and me – wealthy. Filthy-ugly-stinking-rich.
How are they going to do that?
Well, I’m going to tell you. Starting right now…
Last Thursday morning, while Judy, Steven, Billy and I were motoring our way to the home of our middle son (Shawn) and his wife (Megan) for Thanksgiving dinner, Judy brought up the topic of “cows”.
“Do you know that cows do more to cause holes in the ozone layer than just about anything else?” she asked.
“I know that they expel a lot of methane gas,” I replied. “What made you think to bring it up?”
“Well, I read it in the Java Mountain News that you added to the grocery bag the other day. And that’s not all,” she continued. “The gas emitted by a single cow could heat a house for a year.”
(Upon my own investigation, I found that she was nine cows shy on this number, but that makes no difference to the point of this discussion.)
“Holy Co… Mackerel! A year? Really?”
“And do you know how cows release all those hydrocarbons?”
“Yes, I believe I do,” was my response.
“No, I don’t believe you do,” was her response to my response.
And before I could argue the point, she told me how they do it…
“Most of the gasses released by cows come in the form of burps.”
“Burps?”
“Yes, burps.”
This truly was news to me. I didn’t even know cows burped. However, I actually did some cursory searching on Google and found several articles about actual government funding of cow burp research. You can find anything on Google…
She went on to list a few more facts about cows (see a few paragraphs north of here), but I was stuck on the idea of heating my house and –
And then it hit me…
If one cow can heat a house for a year, how many cows does it take to run a car for a year? Or, more to the point, how many cow belches would it take?
And how can I harvest the required gasses?
Then THAT hit me…
All I would have to do is find some way to capture the gas as it leaves the cow (from whichever end of the equation), force it directly to the newly designed “cow gas” tank and then to the newly designed “cow gas” engine.
Some sort of “hose” system seemed, at first thought, to be in order. The problem with that, though, is getting the cow to agree to the required placement of the hoses (one for each end)…
o The average life span of a cow is seven years. The average anticipated life span of a person attempting to install hoses into an unwilling cow is about seven seconds…
Direct installation seemed to be a bad idea…
Then I thought about some sort of “mask” fitted to the cow’s face, and something larger at the other end… Sort of a “reverse gas mask”, as it were… The hoses could then be “indirectly” attached to the cow…
This idea seems to be somewhat better if for no other reason than it is a far less intrusive solution, and is likely to be more agreeable to the cow.
This could be modified for home heating use in the winter.
But there is a downside to this method. If the cow has a mask over it’s face, how will she be able to eat the grass that becomes the gas that runs the car that Bill built?
There are other obstacles to be overcome, too. For instance:
- The list of facts in the newsletter correctly stated that it would require 10 cows to heat a home for a year. This breaks down to two and one half cows per season.
o It may be difficult to convince a cow that only half of her is needed at a given time.
In the case of home heating, where would you install the cows? It would not do to have two and a half cows roaming around the living room, dragging their hoses along with them. The damage would be horrendous.
o Damage to the house could be mitigated by slowly repeating the word “c-o-w h-i-d-e” ** over and over when they look like they might be planning some sort of destruction.
o ** It is important to note that any reference to the term “Cow Hide”, in the context of this discussion, does not refer to the popular bovine parlor game of concealing one’s self from view by, say, placing one’s self under a lamp shade or behind a flag pole, but, rather, to the stuff your sofa and car seats are made of.
In rural areas, I believe this is actually quite easily overcome by devising a way to connect the cow to a modified propane tank located outside the house and utilizing the propane lines already run from the tank to the house. The real challenge is the connection between the cow and a city home or apartment building.
Connection to a vehicle might prove to be somewhat less difficult. I envision some sort of trailer equipped with the proper connections to the fuel tank.
Another option, here, would be the slight expansion of the size of the trunk or installation of an additional back seat in order to accommodate the cow/fuel supply.
- This is my personal choice because the cow, in this case, could serve multiple purposes:
o The main purpose of providing fuel to the vehicle
o The secondary purpose of providing a running, and audible, report of the amount of fuel available to run the vehicle – burps…
With Option one:
Imagine driving down the road towing a fuel trailer behind your car, not knowing if it has been thirty minutes or two hours since your cow last belched…
“How much gas ya think we got, Elmer?”
“Don’t know, Farley – ain’t heard Bessie since we loaded ‘er up when we left the apartment.”
“Too bad the intercom to the trailer got busted when we was packin’ ‘er in.”
“Yup.”
And then it happens… the car starts to slow down… You mash the pedal to the floor, but you know it’s no use – you have run out of fumes, and now you’re stuck in the middle of New York City with no feed store within 73 city blocks – and Bessie is mad…
Now consider the second option – the smart option…
You’re driving down the road with your fuel supply right there behind you in the back seat. Every few minutes you hear the cow sound that’s music to your ears, and you know, beyond the shadow of any doubt whatsoever, that you will reach your destination…
“What are you feedin’ that cow, Clem? She’s bein’ right productive today.”
“Yup. I’m usin’ that new high octane hay stuff, Floyd. You ought to try it in your cow – it’s great!”
“Maybe Elmer shoulda spent a little more money on his cow feed… He and Farley and them other innocent bystanders might still be alive today if he had…”
“Darn shame ’bout them getting stranded in the middle of Manhattan the way they did – no gas… No feed store around for miles…”
“And that crazy cow of his going berserk like that and springing a leak in the hind quarter hose connection… All that residual escapin’ that way… Terrible way to go, Clem – terrible way to go…”
“Yup. Don’t get much worse than death by breathin’ dairy air, Floyd. But it wasn’t the feed, Floyd… It was that fuel trailer – He couldn’t tell how much gas he had because he couldn’t hear his cow…”
“Yup… Darn shame…”
“Well, we got us a good setup, Floyd. We can tell exactly how much gas we got just by listnin’ to Daisy Mae.”
“Great day in the mornin’, Clem! Didja hear that? That one’ll get us another forty miles…”
“Yup.”
Can you imagine the money we can make with this??? The government bail out money alone could be billions!!! Then there’s the Nobel Prize (which I claim for myself because this was my idea).
To this end, I have decided to take it upon myself to form an organization dedicated to the promotion, research, development, production and marketing of bovine produced fuels and fuel systems. And, I have decided to let you, my loyal readers, all in on the ground floor if you want!
Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my honor to introduce to you an organization that really needs an introduction:
The Society For the
Collection Of Wastegasesproducedbybelchingbovine S
Or
C.O.W.S.
If you want in, just scrape your left hoof backwards in the dirt three times while holding out your right hand to your local congressional representative and say “Moo…”
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billkammerer Says:
December 6, 2008 at 7:00 am editOne last thing…While you may think this was all about cows, it was really all bulls…BKcolleen Says:
December 6, 2008 at 9:13 am editBrilliant!I’m tempted to send it to the Arizona Republic for you…you need to publish rimmediately so someone doesn’t steal your idea (intellectual property) and publish it under their own name…
December 6, 2008 at 11:17 am editHey Mary C – Please feel free to do so… I’m not very good a self promotion… And have some sort on exotic beer the next time you think of me…BJudy Kammerer Says:
December 6, 2008 at 11:39 am editHi Colleen … don’t encourage him. He hasn’t gone off the deep end yet, but this shows that he’s getting closer.Tricia Says:
December 6, 2008 at 4:51 pm editHaven’t laughed so hard and so much since last night’s twenty-one casino game wherein Sandi next to us kept playing our chips and spotting some of her own, for her amusing generosity the Lord made sure she won the night’s second best raffle-the DVD player, best company party Richard’s companies have ever had-really really fun and entertaining…gotta go, cuz Richard wants to read your article now and we have forty minutes to get ready to leave for Richard’s second company party tonight, what to wear??? Thinking of you and wondering if you can write this stuff for bovines, what can you do for ovines, hint hint hint – hey our sheep are in three zoos and we want equal press, Nobel novel man!!! Glad Judy reads those papers… I got the Julian Light at Wachovia last night and the our discussion with the manager as a result meant he found out Richard is an artist and on seeing Richard’s business card picture of the River of Life his first gasp was it looked like great literature-a stunningly strong statement…I do love a runon sentence. Miss ya. Keep up the good Advent stuff, really economics 101 timely stuff too, any more thoughts on fillin up the manger with sheep and burros, let me know! Miss you two. ChowMegan Says:
December 6, 2008 at 10:52 pm editJudy, I absolutely love your comment!!!
Bob Buechner Says:
December 7, 2008 at 8:43 pm editWould you be calling it a ‘Cattle Car?’
December 7, 2008 at 8:57 pm editI’m open for suggestions… I was thinking “Autocowbile”, but I’m flexible…
Things With Six Strings 