The New Expletive

September 10, 2020

Hello, again, Gentle Reader(s?),

Yes, it’s time, once again, for you to make a decision on whether or not to continue reading a post from me. I’ll give you a minute to decide…

Still here? OK! We shall proceed.

Let’s take a moment to review this year…

Never mind – let’s not.

All in all, though, a pretty tough year for ALL of us, and it is hard to come up with something positive to say about this year.

But, as some of you may suspect, I try to be positive in any situation (we are currently engulfed by smoke and ashes, just a little less than a mile from the “evacuation warning” perimeter made possible by the Creek Fire, here in the Sierra Mountains).

In my efforts to find something positive to say about the entire year, I have come up with this…

Many of us are familiar with bad words. Some of them are really nasty. You may even remember my previous post on “Alternative Cuss Words“.  And I would venture to guess that you remember that now-famous line, uttered by Ralphie, from the movie, A Christmas Story” (One of my top two favorite films of all time)…

Well, I have, I believe, come up with a new and even BETTER “THE word. The BIG one. The QUEEN MOTHER of dirty words. The 2- – – word.”

Yes, that’s right. Those of us who abhor hearing or reading the “f- – -“, or “s- – -” or “(input your – – – -‘s here) words in everyday speech and correspondence may now have a chance to NOT hear or read those – – – -s.

Think of the possibilities:

“Ooooh twweeeennnntttyyy-nnniiiiinnnnnneteeeeeeennnnn! Only I didn’t say nineteen.”

“Well, we sure 2- – -‘d that up!”

Then, of course, there’s the famous greeting,

“Hey, m- – – – -2- – -“!

See? You can always find something positive in just about any situation. Even if nobody agrees with you…

Really, though, take care, be safe, and look for the positive – even though it’s well hidden, it’s there…

Honest…

BK

Judy woke up this morning and moved. This, naturally, caused me to – vaguely – awaken, also, though I didn’t move much. I just lay there, quietly, facing away from her, staring at the bookcase opposite my side of the bed and wondering what she was going to do next. 

And then, not surprisingly, she did it… 

She spoke.

Judy: “I just had a really uncomfortable dream. But I can’t remember what it was about.” And then she went on, “It’s like the details are quickly approaching a cliff and are about to go over into complete oblivion.”

Bill: “You bad a really convertible cream and you shan’t December fuzz had a clout?”

Judy: “I think you need to turn your not so bad ear to me. I will repeat this one time only.”

I rolled over to face Judy, with an emphasis on my right ear slightly more toward her face.

Judy: “I just had a really uncomfortable dream. But I can’t remember what it was about. It’s like the details are quickly approaching a cliff and are about to go over into complete oblivion.”

Bill: “Do you remember anything that was in the dream?”

She thought, in silence, for a few moments and then said, “Well, there wasn’t a dirigible. And there was no llama.”

B: “There wasn’t?”

J: “Yes, there wasn’t. I don’t think there was a cow or an ice cream cone, either. And I’m certain that it didn’t take place in ancient times or in the ocean or in Mexico.” She paused and then continued, “And there were no stairs or a garage. It didn’t involve a desk.”

B:  “I see… So you are eliminating everything that was NOT in the dream.”

J: “Yes.”

B “And by doing so, whatever is not on the “missing” list has to be in the dream.”

J: “Yes, that’ right.”

B: “And then you can put all things that are in the dream together to form a completed picture of whatever it was that made you so uncomfortable in the first place.”

J: “Yes.”

B: “It’s like a puzzle.”

J: “YES!!! It’s a puzzle!”

B: “How long do you think it might take?”

J: “Who cares? It’s a puzzle! I can work on it when I get home from work each day! This is going to be FUN!”

B: “What’s for breakfast?” 

49…

July 22, 2020

49 years ago, on July 24th, 1971, I married the world’s greatest woman. People used to ask Judy how she has managed to stay married to me all that time, and she used to answer, “I have a really bad memory” and we would all laugh.

Now when she is asked that same question, she responds with, “I have a really good memory…” 

I think that, maybe, my memory is better than hers…

Positively Shocking

May 11, 2020

I’m so positive that if a negative person came around me they would be in for a huge shock. But they might come out of it more grounded.   –   The Very William H. Kammerer, Jr., Esq. (Not)

 

Today, I got this letter from the Santa Clara Department Of Tax And Collections. It’s a nice letter, but I think they sent it to the wrong guy. Even if he has my name.

I thought that it might be a good idea for me to give them a call and let them know that I am not who they want me to be. 

So I did.

Unfortunately, they are not taking calls right now, but you can leave them a message.

So I did.

During their message to me telling me to leave a message for them, they suggested that I go to their web site with any inquiries.

So I did.

On their web site, they suggest sending them an email with any further inquiries.

So I did…

Greetings! 

My name is William Kammerer. I just received a tax lien notification # 2########6, apparently on an unsecured piece of property somewhere in Santa Clara County. 
It was originally addressed to a William Kammerer at 
                                                     William Kammerer Co Inc
                                                     1229 XXXXXX. Ste 210
                                                      XXXXXXX, CA   9XXXX
The year and assessment number are   91-XXXXXX-1  and the amount is $536.67
I’m guessing that’s the year 1991. Is this something you just noticed?
I’m writing to let you know that I am not the William Kammerer you are looking for. I have never lived, worked, or owned property in Santa Clara County, although I have driven through there a couple of times. I think I may have stopped at a fast food place there once, but I couldn’t swear to it.  
It appears that the document was originally sent in July 2019, but was forwarded to my address last week (4/27/2020). 
lien copy.jpg
I would like to say, though, that it might be fun to know how you came up with me as the recipient of this notice. And my wife wants to know a couple of things: “Is it a nice property?” And “If we pay the $536.67 can we have it?” 
My cell number is ###.###.####. Our home number is XXX.XXX.XXXX. I would give you my wife’s cell number, but I really don’t need another piece of property. 
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Regards,
The Wrong William Kammerer

Well, SIP continues and I hope that all of my reader(s?) are doing OK. I know it’s a bit stressful for everyone – maybe even boring in some cases.

That being the case, I thought that I might be able to help out with some ideas to help combat the boredom a bit by letting you know how I am keeping busy. 

To begin, let me assure you that we are doing fine. Fortunately, Judy is still working at the hospital, which leaves me time to accomplish a lot of things around the homestead. 

For example:

Monday, I discovered that *tinnitus notwithstanding, I was able to actually hear my beard growing! It’s an amazing sound if you’ve never heard it.

*Tuesday, I placed an ice cube in a bowl, set it on the coffee table in front of the TV, stared at it and melted it using only my brainpower. (It DID take longer than I thought it would, but at least I was able to add that information to my already extensive psychic knowledge. Not to mention the fact that I can now check that one off my bucket list.) 

*In the interest of full disclosure, I actually got the idea for this from a meme I saw on the interwebs and it seemed like something I could do so I decided to give it a shot. I have to say IT WORKS!

Wednesday, I started my truck:

Thursday, I have actually taken two showers. I am a very clean man, and my clothing (especially my underwear) is exceedingly grateful.

Friday, I’m trying to decide whether to read poetry to the Front Porch Fishes; get up extra early to track and narrate the progress of the pond lilies opening-up

Lilies.jpg

; or, perhaps, a combination of the two. It’s so hard to decide…

Well, I hope that gives you some good ideas on things to try! 

Take care (being serious, here)!

BK

Thoughts For The Day…

April 29, 2020

Today is Saturday number three… Or is it number four…

Yesterday, I cleaned the pool filter system. It was exhilarating. Today, I’m thinking of going all out and start my truck. 

I have discovered that Coffee Mate tastes better if you add a little coffee to it.

Success!

 

After decades of experience, I have decided, and confirmed a multitude of times, that there is never a tape measure around when you need one.

 

 

Ikea Puzzles

April 19, 2020

Does Ikea sell 1,000 piece puzzles already assembled?

Hmmm…

Victory Is Mine!

April 18, 2020

“Today.

Today is a day that will live forever in my mind, heart, and soul. For, today, I achieved a victory, not to be taken lightly. A victory so momentous, so stupendous, so unimaginably grandiose, that one would have to go back centuries – perhaps millennia – to find it’s superior or even its equal.” – The Very William H. Kammerer, Jr., Esq. (Not) April 18, 2020

Yes, it happened. And it was really pretty much a shock – completely unexpected.

It happened like this…

(Begin fade-in-dream-sequence music)

As we are accustomed to doing on any given Saturday afternoon, Judy and I exited our home to make our weekly trip to the grocery store. We had a shortlist of needs and planned to be out of the market within about 15 minutes to give us time to retrieve the take-out order of Spaghetti (for Judy) and Calzone (for me) from one of our favorite Italian restaurants. They, of course, are not open for sit-down business during this time of social distancing, but they are taking orders over the phone. 

In order to speed up our shopping process, Judy and I split the list. I went one direction and she another, agreeing to meet in the ice cream aisle when we had acquired our assigned items.

I was headed for the milk/cashew milk/coffee-mate section of the store when it occurred to me that I hadn’t yet had my weekly disappointment in the most popular aisle in any store since the current pandemic began…

Yes, the paper goods aisle.

As I approached that section of the store, I noticed the usual bare shelving units, completely devoid of even dust at this late time of the week. 

Except for waaayyy down at the other end of the aisle. Down where the paper towels are located. Except across the aisle from the paper towels. 

Where the baby diapers reside.

For some reason, I decided to take a detour and head that way on my way to where I needed to go next. 

As I approached the baby diapers, I looked more closely at the blue and white packagers (about a dozen, or so) and realized that they weren’t diapers, but appeared to be paper towels.

I stopped.

I looked a bit more closely because I didn’t recognize the brand of paper towels. 

I, literally, put my face to within about six inches of the package, trying to discern, purely out of curiosity, how many towels there were inside the package. We are accustomed to getting them in packages of eight rolls, and these seem a bit like a two roll package. I began calculating the price difference between the four packages of two rolls of this brand and one package of eight rolls of our usual brand (Bounty) and figured that the larger package was the better buy.

But something didn’t seem right. Something was off…

I picked up the package I was inspecting and looked at it more closely. I noticed that, If I held the package at just the right angle, in just the right light, and with just the right side facing me, there were more than two rolls of paper towels contained within. There were, in fact, six rolls of paper towels! But they were each only about one third the width of normal towels. 

My first thought at this realization was, “Boy, these are totally useless,” so I started searching for a description of what sort of function they could possibly serve.

I found things like, “Ultra Clean Care,” “Strong Cleaning Ripples,” “Texture Resistante,” “Papier Hygienique,” “Une Proprete Rafraichissante,” and “Debarbouillettes Jetables=.”

I was thinking, “What in the name of all that is Holy is this stuff?” None of this made any sense to me.

And then, just as I was about to place the package back on the shelf, one of my eyes – I’m really not sure which one, but one of them, for sure – caught some fine print that both of them had previously missed. 

I stood there, staring. Something wasn’t quite computing, but I knew that I had to be patient, if for no other reason than I had already wasted more of my fifteen minutes than was safe to admit to Judy, so I kept glaring at the letters assembled before my uncomprehending eyes, waiting for the correct translation of whatever language they were attempting to communicate in. 

And then, as if struck by lightning, it hit me! The letters were speaking English – and they were saying:

TOILET PAPER!!! 

I actually bobbled the package and almost dropped it to the floor!

How could this possibly be? Wasn’t toilet paper illegal any more? I mean, when was the last time you saw toilet paper in any store or online or in your bathroom?

Once I recovered from the initial shock of my discovery, I immediately ran to the ice cream aisle, where I found Judy. You should have seen the look on her face when I waved the TP in her face and placed it into the basket!! I could tell that she was excited, too, because she immediately asked me, “Where’s the milk?”

Victory Is Mine.jpg

 

 

I haven’t put gas in my truck in weeks. Over a month, actually, and it was almost down to half full (I like to think positively). So, about 15 minutes ago, I went out and put almost half a tank of gas to bring it back up to full.

Two positives, here:

1 – It was the most exciting thing I’ve done today and

2 – I made sure to get it done before the prices fall again.

I would say, “Be still my heart,” but I’m afraid that it might…

TP

April 16, 2020

For the first time in my life, I’m praying for somebody to TP my house.

No photo description available.

Badly In Need…

April 16, 2020

Badly in need of a haircut… And I don’t have a bowl that will fit my head…

Almost…

April 16, 2020

I almost shaved yesterday. I know I’m going to sometime. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon. And for the rest of my life…