One of the many positive things about the weather cooling down this time of year is that my T-Shirts pass the smell test for an extended number of days. – The Very William H. Kammerer, Esq. (not)
The Wisdom Of Age 5 – Some Days…
As I have progressed in age, I have learned that some days are more flatulent than others, and some days are more flatulent than those days… I believe that this is one of the latter mentioned days… – The Very William H. Kammerer, Jr. Esq. (not,)
I’m In Hot Water
First hot shower in 25 days, last night. No photos available. Judy did pass me on the smell test, though.
Why I Look Different Than I Did A Month Ago
Hello again, Gentle Reader(s?)! Yes, It’s me, back for another go at writing something.
Today, I would like to fill you in on some recent conversations I have been having with various friends, neighbors, associates, and countrymen (countrypersons?).
It all started when Judy and I were with some friends and someone noticed that my face looks different than usual…
Friend: “what happened to your face?”
Me: “Why? What’s wrong with my face?”
F: “You appear to be growing a beard.”
M: “What are you talking about?”
F: “You have a beard, or, at least, sort of a beard.”
M: “I do?”
F: “yeah! Look at your reflection in the window!”
M: “Holy Spicoli! Oh man!”
Yes, I was quite taken aback by my appearance. But even more so because I hadn’t realized what had happened…
I stood there in silence as I thought back over the past couple of weeks, trying to figure out what happened. Thinking and talking to myself, I went over all of the things and events and non-events that had taken place, meals I had eaten or not eaten, the hot showers that I had not taken because we have been out of hot water for the past three weeks, the cold showers that I HAD taken because we have been out of hot water for the past three weeks, the junk phone calls I have received, the real phone calls I have received – every aspect of my life – searching my memory for anything that might possibly correspond to the date that the unusual (for me, anyway) growth on my face may have begun.
I could think of nothing. At all.
Judy said something that I couldn’t quite make out and I responded, “Huh?”
And that’s when it hit me!
I made my excuse to our friends…
M: “Well, it’s my hearing aids.”
F: “What’s your hearing aids?”
M: “The reason I have whiskers. It’s because of my hearing aids.”
F: “That’s ridiculous! How could your hearing aids cause you to grow a beard?”
M: “Well, it’s like this… When I’m wearing my hearing aids, I can hear EVERYTHING that’s going on around me or within me. Dog talking to me, flowers in the garden talking to me, ants crawling on the sidewalk, every breath I take, my heartbeat, blood circulating through my veins, me in my “outside” voice, me breathing – everything.”
M: “I can hear my whiskers growing…
“…For the past couple of weeks, I haven’t been wearing my hearing aids. That being the case, I haven’t heard my whiskers growing. That being the case, I haven’t thought about shaving.
“And THAT being the case, I look like I do now.”
And that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it!
Until next time, Gentle Reader(s?)…
Life Lessons 1… Showers
Hello again Gentle Reader(s?),
If you read the title of this post, you may believe that I am going to speak, or write, about words. Or, at least with words. At least.
Well, you may be surprised to discover that you believe, at least, somewhat correctly.
Yes, I am going to use words in this particular post to describe things called “words”. Words that speak of things. Wordy things.
Words are the things that make up a spoken language. Spoken Language is something that allows human persons to communicate clearly amongst themselves when utilizing their inherant things called “vocal cords”.
Language and vocal cords, of course, are mutually beneficial concepts which greatly enhance the intended use of each of their intended functions: Making audible sounds and making those sounds intelligible to another human within hearing range.
Think of it this way…
Without vocal cords, spoken language would not be very useful. At all. And without spoken language, made up of words, vocal cords wouldn’t have a lot to say. Oh, you might get an occasional “Ugh” or “Mmphf” or “Ahhhhh”, but beyond that they would spend a lot of time wondering why they were there at all.
Let’s create, using words, an example of that of which, using words, I speak…
Let’s say that my wife, Judy (a name is a word, too), discovers that we are out of toilet paper and she knows that I am about to head out the door to visit the grocery store. In her mind, she knows that she wants to ask me to buy some toilet paper. Her thought is processed and, eventually, gets to her vocal cords.
This is where spoken language enters the picture.
She calls out to me and, using words, says something like, “Oh Bill, my love, please purchase some toilet paper while you are at the store. Not the kind you got last time because I didn’t like that, but the kind I always get when I purchase toilet paper. You know, the extra super hyper soft tripple layered kind with little pillow things woven in. Get that, please.”
Using language, made up of words, she has made her request quite clear and distinct. I would have no problem deciphering her desire for comfortable toilet paper.
But what if there were no such thing as words? What if spoken language was limited to a few grunts and unintelligible sounds emanating from her nearly useless vocal cords?
Let’s see what would happen…
Let’s say that my wife, Grblmphf (remember, a name is a word, too), discovers that we are out of toilet paper and she knows that I am about to head out the door to visit the grocery store. In her mind, she knows that she wants to ask me to buy some toilet paper. Her thought is processed and, eventually, gets to her vocal cords. But, alas, there is no language for her to speak because there are no words available for utilization in putting her desire into, well, words.
All she can say is, “Ugh mmphf ahh enh.”
I think you can see the dilemma here. I know that she is thinking something. It has to do with me, or she wouldn’t have tried to say something to me. My mind rushes to try to figure out exactly what she is attempting to put accross to me as I walk out the door to head to the grocery store. Hmmm…
She is addressing me. Or maybe the dog. No, it has to be me because the dog is in the back yard urinating on the formerly lush lawn.
Maybe she is trying to inform me that the dog is urinating on the lawn. No, that can’t be it because she knows that I know that the dog is urinating on the lawn.
Hmmm… I’m on my way to the grocery store, so maybe that’s what she’s trying to get across to me. She wants me to drive carefully!
No, that can’t be it. She knows that I drive carefully all of the time.
Maybe she wants me to get something at the store. YES!!! That has to be it!
Hmmm… What could she want me to get? What are we out of? What is important enough to make her grunt at me?
I proceed to the store and take shot in the dark.
Thirteen hours later, I return from the grocery store, having spent $7,346.72 on one each of everything in the store.
Except toilet paper. (I actually put some into one of the 17 shopping carts I utilized, but when I went up to pay for everything, my credit card came up 27.00 short, so I had to put the toilet paper back in order to buy everything else.) I figure I am covered… I am not…
I try to explain myself, “Uhn gmphf ooog mlmp,” but to no avail. She isn’t having a word of it. Mostly because words do not exist.
Can you see how important words are? Without words, we could have no spoken language. Without spoken language, we would have to rely on the few sounds our, otherwise useless, vocal cords could make. Relying on those sounds, we would have to spend much of our lives trying to read everybody else’s mind. And without the ability to read everybody else’s mind, we would all go broke at the grocery store.
So, Gentle Reader(s?), be grateful for words.
Until next time, using words, speak kindly to everybody with whom you come into contact. Use grunts if you have to…
PS – I had Judy read this. When she was done, I asked her what she thought. Her reply?
“I have no words…”
Conversations With Judy: Episode 31: Nevermind
Background: This morning, as Judy was preparing to leave for work, she was removing things from the drink drawer in our refrigerator for the purpose of including them in her lunch bag. It was while dong so that she realized that she was running short of water bottles. Meanwhile, I was heavily involved, chomping on a small quantity of a Sausage and Cheese Hot Pocket. This required a lot of focus on my part. She turned to me, speaking…
Judy: “Can you get me a – oh – nevermind.”
Bill: “Of course! I will be happy to nevermind. I excell at ‘neverminding’! It’s actually one of my favorite things to do! And, I must say, I think I nevermind better than most other guys! Im really GOOD at it! Nobody can nevermind like I can! Thank you for the opportunity to do so, now!”
Two minutes later…
Judy: “Can you put four bottles of water into the drink drawer for me, please?”
Bill: “Oh, I am sooo sorry. I am busy neverminding right now. Can you call me from work and remind me after a couple of hours? I should be done by then.”
I believe that I have just created the worst case of Haircut Self-Infliction in the history of self-inflicted haircuts…
The Gravity Of The Situation
Gravity… It’s really bringing me down today…It’s times like this that I wish my mother had a sister named “Gravity”. Then I could call on Aunty Gravity to lift me up, again…
Yet another shirt passes the smell test.
Conversations With Judy: Episode 30: Speak Up
Hello, again, Gentle Reader(s?),
As some of you may know, I have been the proud owner of some really great hearing aids for the past few years. And, as some of you may know, I don’t wear them all of the time. And as some of you may know, that means that I can go fairly long stretches without wearing them at all. And, as some of you may know, it drives Judy nuts when she has to repeat herself when I don’t quite pick up what she is trying to tell me.
Well, this past week has been a game changer. I actually wore my hearing aids all week long! Really! It’s been great!
Well, yesterday, Judy and I were on the road, returning from five days in San Diego where we were celebrating our 50th (Golden) Wedding Anniversary. We were conversing quite a bit along the way, and I was able to pick up just about everything she said! It was GRAWESOME!!! And she was happy that she didn’t have to repeat a lot of things!
Just after we came over the Grapevine, she asked me a question…
Judy: “How come, when you are wearing your hearing aids, you don’t talk as loudly as you do when you’re not wearing them?”
Bill: “Well, because I can hear myself better.”
J: “Yes, but I can’t hear you as well. In fact it’s hard to pick up what you are saying.”
B “Hmmm… You should get hearing aids.”
Conversations With Judy: Episode 29: When To NOT Utilize Your Sense Of Humor
Well, hello again Gentle Reader(s?)… It’s time for another foray into the world of “How To Live A Successful Life”.
In this episode, we (I) will be discussing the proper neglect of the use of a sense of humor. And I will be doing so through the example that I have most recently set for myself…
Permit me to provide a bit of background, here.
Judy and I are in the process of designing (Judy’s part) and building “just one more house – honest. I promise”.
*Some of you may remember that our house burned down September 16, 2010 and that Judy designed the new one. Well, as it happened, she really loved doing that and she got the bug to do it just once more, hopefully before we die.
She has been working on it for about three years, drawing, changing, changing, changing, changing, upgrading, changing, changing and changing on, pretty much, a weekly basis over that entire period of time. She has finally got it right.
Over the past several months, we have submitted the plans to the contractor and the architect to have them drawn up numerous times. And, oddly enough, they have returned to us the finished plans an equal number of times for our inspection. Equally oddly enough, Judy has made a few changes and corrections. The last set of plans required changes/corrections to about twelve items. the first two items on the list appear here:
**Some of you may remember that I have a way of being joyfully light-hearted in just about any situation (I make stupid, though always hilarious, comments and jokes). This situation presented, to me, anyway, a good opportunity to, once again, employ my never-miss sense of humor, particularly in light of the fact that we had met with both the contractor and architect on many occasions and they have gotten used to me.
I thought it would be fun to throw in my own two cents on the suggested changes.
So I did…
Hmmm… There were no “Haha’s” from Judy…
This was unusual.
Moving ahead twelve days…
Judy (in a sweet voice): “Hi, Bill.”
B (somehow recognizing the ‘falseness’ in the sweetness in her voice): “Uh… Hi Judy.”
J (same sweet voice): I just wanted to let you know, ahead of time, that I’m going to strangle you when I get home tonight.”
J (ssv): “Would you like to know why?”
J (in a somewhat changed tone of voice): “Because the plans for the house were sent to me and they are being submitted to the county.”
B: “Well, that’s a good thing, right?”
J: “Guess what they include…”
I’m just going to leave it right there and let you use your imagination.
Suffice to say that the use of humor, no matter how funny, may, in rare cases, be wise to avoid.
Until next (I hope) ti–
Conversations with Judy: Episode 28: A Rose By Any Other Name
Hello, again Gentle Reader(s),
Once, again, it’s time for, yet, another recounting of a conversation with the most amazing female walking the Earth today. Yes, that’s right, my wife, Judy. This particular exchange actually took place several months, maybe even years, but probably months ago…
(Cue the memory sequence music here)
(We join our memory as the music fades, with me exiting the bathroom after a somewhat extended visit and encountering the lovely and, patient, Judy in the – albeit extremely short – bathroom waiting line in the master bedroom…)
Bill: “Oh, hi, my little snooky-wookie-kins! Are you waiting for me?”
Judy: “Why, no, my love, my very own, I am not,” and she goes on, “I am waiting for the bathroom.”
Bill: “Of course, my sweet. It’s all yours.”
Judy enters the bathroom… Judy exits the bathroom… Judy speaks…
J: “How do you do that?”
B “How do I do what?”
J: “The bathroom never smells when you come out. How do you do that?”
B: “Seriously? Really?”
J: “Yeah, really. It never has.”
B: “Well, statistically, there is a very small minority of people, of which I am fortunate to be counted among, who can claim to possess the ‘Mine Doesn’t Stink’ charism.”
J: “Well, as much as I hate to say it, and as ridiculous as it may sound, I have to agree.”
Move ahead about ten days…
Bill exits the bathroom.
Judy enters the bathroom.
Judy exits the bathroom.
J: “I’ve changed my mind.”