Conversations With Judy: Episode 29: When To NOT Utilize Your Sense Of Humor

Well, hello again Gentle Reader(s?)… It’s time for another foray into the world of “How To Live A Successful Life”.  

In this episode, we (I) will be discussing the proper neglect of the use of a sense of humor. And I will be doing so through the example that I have most recently set for myself…

Permit me to provide a bit of background, here.

Judy and I are in the process of designing (Judy’s part) and building “just one more house – honest. I promise”. 

*Some of you may remember that our house burned down September 16, 2010 and that Judy designed the new one. Well, as it happened, she really loved doing that and she got the bug to do it just once more, hopefully before we die. 

She has been working on it for about three years, drawing, changing, changing, changing, changing, upgrading, changing, changing and changing on, pretty much, a weekly basis over that entire period of time. She has finally got it right. 

Over the past several months, we have submitted the plans to the contractor and the architect to have them drawn up numerous times. And, oddly enough, they have returned to us the finished plans an equal number of times for our inspection. Equally oddly enough, Judy has made a few changes and corrections. The last set of plans required  changes/corrections to about twelve items. the first two items on the list appear here:

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**Some of you may remember that I have a way of being joyfully light-hearted in just about any situation (I make stupid, though always hilarious, comments and jokes). This situation presented, to me, anyway, a good opportunity to, once again, employ my never-miss sense of humor, particularly in light of the fact that we had met with both the contractor and architect on many occasions and they have gotten used to me. 

I thought it would be fun to throw in my own two cents on the suggested changes. 

So I did…

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Hmmm… There were no “Haha’s” from Judy…

This was unusual.

Moving ahead twelve days…

Phone rings…

Bill: “Hello.”

Judy (in a sweet voice): “Hi, Bill.”

B (somehow recognizing the ‘falseness’ in the sweetness in her voice): “Uh… Hi Judy.”

J (same sweet voice): I just wanted to let you know, ahead of time, that I’m going to strangle you when I get home tonight.”

B: “Gulp…”

J (ssv): “Would you like to know why?”

B: “OK…”

J (in a somewhat changed tone of voice): “Because the plans for the house were sent to me and they are being submitted to the county.”

B: “Well, that’s a good thing, right?”

J: “Guess what they include…”

I’m just going to leave it right there and let you use your imagination. 

Suffice to say that the use of humor, no matter how funny, may, in rare cases, be wise to avoid. 

Seriously. 

 

Until next (I hope) ti–

 

The Domestic Me – The Culinary Somebody Else: Episode Five – Another Coffee Discovery

Hello once again, Gentle Reader(s?)…

Yes, it’s Coffee Moron, here! And I have some truly enlightening news to report! But first, a word, or two, on how I came to discover this information…

Today, early in the morning, I slithered out of bed with a hankering for – you guessed it – the bathroom! Skipping ahead a bit, my next craving was for a – you guessed it again – a haircut! But skipping a bit further ahead (because a haircut is not currently available in my neck of the woods), my next hanker was for a – you probably didn’t guess this – cup of coffee…

Yes, Gentle Reader(s), coffee. 

As you may, or may not, remember from past postings, depending upon how Gentle a Reader you may or may not be, I have been on an adventure of coffee discovery over the past couple of years. I have learned many things (mostly, how to gain ten pounds in a period of two months), some of which have been beneficial to my daily routine, if not to my waistline.  But all of them have affected my life in some way or other. 

Anyway, I haven’t experimented with coffee much, lately, and I didn’t experiment this morning, either. It was a typical throw in enough water for three cups, all of which fit into one mug, scoop in three mountainous scoops of grounds, hit the “on” switch, wait for the gurgling noise to stop, pour the result into my mug, add a half gallon of heavy whipping cream and drink. 

But there was a slight difference today, in that we had to go out for a few hours. This, of course, meant that I couldn’t finish my daily serving of coffee (I don’t like to guzzle it down) and I ended up pouring about half of it down the sink.

When we returned to the house, I decided that I really needed to have my full daily allotment of the stuff that waistlines (mine, anyway) are made of, so I went directly to the coffee pot and began to restart the whole process.

Standing there, in front of the coffee maker, I lifted the lid to the thing that holds the filter, reached for it with the intention of tossing the used filter and grounds into the waiting trash can and froze; my mind evaluating the cost of the grounds so perfectly placed within the coffee-filter-holder-thing…

“Hmmm,” I thought, “I wonder what it would be like to just use the same pile of grounds for this new pot…”

Being the adventuresome sort of guy that I am (adventuresome = cheap and, more to the point, lazy), I decided to give it a shot. 

So I did…

Now, for the discovery…

While the resulting concoction was kinda similar to coffee (the water part of the solution looked a little brownish and there was a faint odor of coconut – this was Hawaiian Hazelnut coffee), the flavor was more like heavy whipping cream mixed with nitrogen and brownish-colored water. It wasn’t quite as good as my usual product. 

This, of course, resulted in me having to toss the existing grounds (although, I admit, I toyed with the idea that maybe this was just some sort of aberration and I should give it another shot). this, of course, meant that I had wasted, not only, enough water from our well to make a mug (three cups) of coffee, but also the time that I could have been watching Dr. Zachary Smith nearly destroying the entire Robinson family, along with Major Don West and the beloved family Robot in the next thrilling episode of Lost In Space. 

Please, I implore you, DO NOT TRY THIS. I have already done the hard work, and you really don’t have to. 

Really. 

You don’t.

Until next time, this is Coffee Moron, wishing you a Happy New Year! Be well!

 

Wondering Aimlessly: Breakfast…

Breakfast. The most important meal of the day. 

This morning, though, I’m not really hungry. But if I was really hungry, what would I eat?

This is the question that has plagued me for thousands of years, “What do I want for breakfast?” I never have a definitive answer to that question. 

Judy never has a problem deciding how to start her nutritional day. And she is creative and unafraid to explore new culinary possibilities.

For example, this morning I slowly maneuvered my way into the kitchen, drawn by an odor of which I had not previously been aware, only to spy a frying pan hosting an egg and something I never would have imagined – two halves of a banana nut muffin cut, not top to bottom, but across the center, with the “ragged” sides buttered up and facing down to the hot pan.

Soon the naked surfaces of the muffin had sufficiently toasted. She then gently slapped the egg between the two halves, wrapped it into a napkin, stuck it into a bowl, gathered up her many purses and went out the door headed to work.

Do people really do that? I honestly don’t know, but Judy did. 

This left me alone to contemplate my own breakfast needs, wants and desires. What do I want for breakfast?  What shall I make? How shall I make it? As mentioned above, I’m not really hungry, and… and… and…    

I think I have just had an epiphany! 

I just realized that…

The amount of effort one is willing to expend in the preparation of breakfast is directly proportional to the amount of hunger one is experiencing at that particular moment. 

Hmmm… I should contemplate food more often… 

Well, as excited as I am about my newfound life lesson, I’m still not hungry and, therefore, still not any closer to figuring out what to fix myself to Break my overnight Fast which, after all, is the whole purpose of breakfast in the first place. 

So many options; so little ambition…

 

 

Conversations With Judy – Episode 18: What Did You Have For Dinner?

Finally, after 67 years, I have met my match in the kitchen. Out of respect for my friend’s family, I will not give his name. 

How do I know that he is my culinary equal?

I’ll tell you…

Judy: “What did you guys have for dinner at the meeting tonight?”

Bill: “Lasagnsicles.”

J: “What’s that?”

B: “It’s frozen lasagna that you are supposed to cook for two hours at 350 degrees that you only cook for forty-five minutes in an oven that’s not turned on.”

And that, dear friends, is how I know that I have met my culinary equal. 

The Domestic Me – The Institute For Teach Cook: Episode Three – Coffee, Anyone?

Coffee.

Coffee is just about the most ubiquitous liquid currently found in the solar system. I used to think that it was the Pacific Ocean, however, I now know that sea water runs a semi-distant second to coffee. It’s everywhere. That’s because it reproduces itself.

And almost everybody drinks it. You (very nearly) cannot visit a friend, neighbor, lawyer or hated enemy without hearing the words, “Would you care for a cup of coffee?” immediately after hearing the words, “Have a seat and take a load off.” (In the case of the lawyer, the script changes somewhat to “Please sign here. Have a seat and take a load off. Please sign this disclaimer. Would you care for a cup of coffee?”)

Coffee takes on an almost uncountable number of forms. It mixes with almost anything you can fit into your cup, whether it be liquid, solid or gas. Anything. (There is some question as to whether Metamucil is compatible with coffee, but I have yet to determine that with one hundred percent confidence.)

Aside from being unable to avoid the immediate availability of coffee in stores of all types, restaurants, cruise ships, airplanes, motorhomes, law offices, medical facilities, churches, sewage treatment plants, schools, gas stations, theatres, business offices, cemeteries, prisons, public restrooms and even a small number of public libraries, most people have at least two or three coffee pots in their homes. 

Judy and I are no different. We have always had them in our home. I think we currently have two, but I’m not certain that there aren’t more in storage somewhere on the homestead. We even have a reasonably equipped  “coffee station”:

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We keep the actual coffee in the refrigerator.

We also have a wide variety of coffee cups, mugs and Thermoses to make it easier to consume it, and paper towels with which to clean it up when there is an accident.

Where coffee is concerned, we are just like any other household with one minor exception.

Judy and I don’t actually drink coffee. 

Yes, you read that right. Judy and I are not coffee drinkers. What’s worse is that we don’t even know how to make coffee – seriously.

So why do we have all of this stuff? 

Well, we have offspring who visit on occasion, and seventy-five percent of them do drink coffee. (The other twenty-five percent settle for beer.) They all know how to use it and, being accommodating parents, we keep it around for them.

Until last night…

I read, last night, that Gary Larson (creator of “The Far Side” and my American literary hero) was once asked how he came up with ideas for his cartoon. His answer was the he would down a few cups of coffee before starting to work on a cartoon. 

This gave me an idea – I got up and headed to the “coffee center” in the kitchen. While on my way, I called for Judy and asked her to show me how to make coffee. 

It was only then that I found out that she didn’t know how to make coffee, either. We cooperated and worked on the problem together for about twenty minutes – she reading instructions, and me putting them into action. 

Then this ensued…

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I tested a fifty gallon drum of my first brew of coffee.

At about 2:30 this morning, it dawned on me that I probably should have done this a lot earlier in the day…

____________________________________________________________________________________________

*** If you would like to find out about some of the many different makes and models of coffee, as well as a few of the most popular additive combinations, you can click here to go to Wikipedia and marvel at (what I am certain is a small portion of) the multitudinous array of caffeine sleep inhibitors available on the Earth today.  

Another Successful Shopping Season For Santa Bill

Christmas shopping done!!!

Yes, once again, I have completed my Christmas shopping weeks before the blessed event takes place!

Message to giftees:

  • There are 15 people on my shopping list
  • There are 19 gifts bought and paid for
  • Each of you recipients pick one, in order of how much you love me, most to least
  • I get the leftovers

AND…

… I saved enough money to buy that boat I’ve had my eyes on!

Merry Christmas!

Front Porch Fish – What A Great Name For A Band!

We are in the process of moving into a new home and I was just feeding our new fish in our new pond just off our new front porch. We have been able to count eleven adult fish in the pond. We figure that they must be adult fish because we have just discovered two actual new fish in there with them. I was having a fun and relaxing time watching them swim to the surface and grabbing the fish food flakes sprinkled there for them.  

We had asked the previous owners of the house if the fish had names. They responded that, yes, they had named them. Not only had they named them, they could actually tell them apart! I can’t tell one from another (except for the two babies because the coloring is lighter at this stage).

So, instead of giving them new individual names (I can’t remember the originals), I have decided to name the group. They are now collectively known as FPF’s (Front Porch Fishes). I know that it probably ought be be something like Front Pond Fishes, but I like Front Porch Fishes. 

At some point we may be able to tell them apart, and then we can give them individual names, but they will always be FPF’s to me. 

Murphy is also quite curious and went sniffing around the pond while the FPF’s were at the surface feeding. Afterall, he was raised as a hunting dog. This triggered a thought in my mind:

Hmmm… Maybe it’s time for me to go get a new fishing pole… I don’t think you need a license to fish in your own pond…

This may sound a bit off, but it’s more sporting than shooting them with a gun, don’t you think?

BK 🙂

Domestic Poetry: Issue One – Ode To Cashews

Hello, again, Gentle Reader(s – being optimistic here),

It’s time to launch yet another category in the seemingly unending launch of new categories on this blog site. Today, I am introducing the newly conceived Domestic Poetry category, based on the fact that I couldn’t think of anything else to call it. 

It may change in the future when I choose to expend the energy required to come up with a decent title, but for now, it’s Domestic Poetry.

So, with that, let us be off…

As, probably, all of you don’t know, I love cashews. I think that the cashew is the absolute best nut ever devised by God. Sure! There are other nuts – Peanuts, Walnuts, Almonds, Pistachios, Politicians (I don’t want to play favorites, here), Hazel, Macadamia, Pecan, Hex, Wing, Cap, Flange, Coco, Brazil, and Pine to name a few. But Cashews really stand out, in my book.

This being the case, I have decided to formalize my taste for cashews in the same way that I have formalized my feelings for my dogs. With a poem.

So without any further explanation, I shall begin now…

Ode To Cashews

By

The Very William H. Kammerer, Jr, Esq. (Not)

“I think that no-one ever knew,

A tree yummy as a cashew”

.

.

I love Cashews, yes,

It’s cashews that I love,

I love them when they’re from below,

And when their from above. 

.

Cashews to the left of me, 

Cashews to the right,

Cashews there for me to eat,

All through the day and night.

 .

Cashews to the North of me,

Cashews to the south,

Cashews to the East and West,

Just waiting for my mouth.

.

Cashews in the kitchen,

Cashews in the den,

Cashews found inside my house,

Located end to end.

.

Cashews in the cupboard,

Cashews in a drawer,

I love cashews so darned much,

I’d eat them off the floor.

.

Cashews lightly salted,

Or not salted at all,

Or even lots of salt on top,

You know I’ll eat them all.

.

Cashews with my breakfast,

Cashews with my lunch, 

Cashews for my dinner, too,

Yes, I eat them by the bunch.

.

Cashews for my mid-day snack,

And for eating in between,

Chances I may forget them,

Are really pretty lean.

.

No matter what the time of day,

No matter time of year, 

The cashew is the nut I crave,

With them, I have no fear.

.

So if you wonder what I’d like,

For Christmas time this year,

Just think of this and and when you shop,

The answer’s pretty clear.

.

Cashew.

Gazuntite. 

The Domestic Me – The Institute For Teach Cook: Episode Two – Culinary Art – Installment One: An Actual Recipe

Hello again, gentle reader. It’s time for, yet, another lesson on how to lead a successful life in the kitchen. This time, I’m actually going to give a real recipe! How about them apples?

Actually, there are no apples involved with this concoction, but there is a half a banana, so I figure the colloquialism kinda fits. They are, after all, both fruits.

Several months ago, I fell prey to a recipe shared on Facebook for a home-made milkshake using vanilla, unsweetened coco, bananas, ice, almond milk and a blender. It was awful. Really awful.

But the general idea intrigued me, and since that time I have been experimenting   on my own with my own idea of ingredients.

I believe that I have come up with a winner.

A few days ago I was talking with a friend (Heather) about my concoction, and she asked me to send the recipe to her and our mutual friend (Roberta)…

So here’s the recipe…

What you need:

  1. Blender, one each
  2. Banana, one half each
  3. Ice Cubes, twelve each
  4. Packet of Carnation Instant Breakfast, one each
  5. Metamucil (optional, but I highly recommend it), sort of a small spoonful each
  6. Chunky Peanut Butter, one small glob each
  7. Almond Milk, 8 ounces each
  8. Tall Drinking Cup (I use a 20 oz. shaker-mixer-cup-thingy – see photo below), one each
  9. Really Long Straw (I use this clear plastic tubular object that I thought was a really long straw, but which my wife later identified as a ‘Stirring Rod’. I’m including a photo below so that you may be able to identify it if you ever see one in real life), one each

What you do with all of this stuff:

  1. Carefully, even gently, dump it all into the blender
  2. Turn the blender on ‘High’
    1. My ‘High’ setting is labeled ‘Ice Crush’
    2. Yours may be something other than that – perhaps something like ‘Hyper-thermonuclear-atomic-nutrient-conglomerator-button’
    3. Or it may be something like the afore mentioned ‘High’
    4. Whatever your particular setting is, press that button
  3. After a very short time, turn the blender off
  4. Look for the lid (to the blender)
  5. Put the lid on the blender
  6. Refer to step 2

While the drink is mixing, you should:

  1. Clean up the mess that was created when you forgot to put the lid on the blender prior to starting it the first time
  2. Place the unused half of the banana inside some sort of zip-lock baggie contraption and put it into the refrigerator for future milkshake endeavors
  3. Put the rest of the stuff you are finished with where it belongs (pantry, trash, dog’s food dish, etc.)

When the mix looks like it’s completed, hit the ‘Off’ button again> open the blender lid> pour what’s inside into the 20 oz. drinking cup> stick one end of the straw into the cup> stick the other end of the straw into your mouth> suck.

Then say, “Wow! That’s really GOOD!”

I had set up a the kitchen with all of the stuff required to show you how to make this stuff, and enlisted my beloved wife to video me explaining the process. The whole thing went off without a hitch – it was perfect!

Except that Judy shot the whole demonstration using the ‘Time Lapsed” setting instead of the “video” setting on my iPhone.

BUT – it came out even more appropriately (for this blog, anyway) than if we had shot in video mode. You just have to read my lips and follow along.   Very quickly. But it WILL save you time…

Stirring Rod (Really big drinking straw)

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Tall Drinking Cup

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By the time I had thought of including a photo, I had already finished drinking my shake. It was good.

Murphy’s Law: Episode 3: Poetry Dedicated To Murphy – Verse One

Hello again, Gentle Readers,

It’s time, once again, for another piece inspired by my canine (and best) friend Murphy Patrick Harrigan O’Kammerer. This time, we venture into the realm of Poetry and/or Music dedicated to Murphy. 

Those of you who are blessed with any sort of pet, especially a dog (or, even more especially, dogs) will immediately recognize the source of inspiration for today’s offering.

And, in tribute to Max, I have bestowed, upon The Murph, the title and rank of Doggy Woggy of The First Order… Sadly, he doesn’t know what an honor it is. But that makes him no less deserving…

And now, I begin…

Doggy Woggy Doo Doo

By
The Very William H. Kammerer, Jr., Esquire (not)

At the crack of dawn,

When the stars are gone,

Slingin’ Doggy Woggy Doo Doo all the day,

I go to the yard,

Lookin’ really hard,

For the Doggy Woggy Doo Doo all the day!

Sometimes I do wish,

I got a gold fish,

But that’s not the way out it did play,

But I’m glad he’s mine,

With me all the time,

Making Doggy Woggy Doo Doo all the day!

Fare thee well!

Fare thee well!

How I wish he could eat hay…

But I’ve got my scoop,

Picking up his poop,

Slingin’ Doggy Woggy Doo Doo all the day!

When he’s full of pep,

Gotta watch my step,

What the ground is covered with ain’t clay,

I won’t go bare foot,

Always wear my boots,

Slingin’ Doggy Woggy Doo Doo all the day!

Fare thee well!

Fare thee well!

Well he thinks I’m in the yard to play…

But I’ve got my scoop,

Picking up his poop,

Slingin’ Doggy Woggy Doo Doo all the day!

Slingin’ Doggy Woggy Doo Doo all the day!

Slingin’ Do-ggy Wo-ggy Doo-Doo-all-the-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much… Please… Please… No, really – you are too kind… Thank you… You are a great audience! Thank you…

Thank you so much…

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The Domestic Me – Episode Two – Laundry: After Action Report #1

I refuse to acknowledge even the remotest possibility that a fitted sheet can be re-folded the way it was when you bought the thing. In fact, I don’t believe it was ever folded that way in the first place. I think they inject some sort of drug into the package that makes you think it’s folded.

There is a reason they call them “fitted”, and it’s not because they “fit” onto the mattress. It’s because folding them gives me fits.

When I was in the Navy, I learned how to fold my laundry correctly. I can fold socks, shirts, pants, underwear, towels and sheets. Yes, sheets.

The problem is that, in bootcamp, we didn’t have fitted sheets. We had two un-fitted sheets, and you had to be able to bounce a quarter off the bottom sheet in order to pass inspection. It is clear why they didn’t have fitted sheets  you couldn’t bounce an idea off a fitted sheet, especially after you have tried to fold it. 

You can do lots of things with a fitted sheet. You just can’t fold it neatly. I’ve decided to try to list a few of the things that you can do with a fitted sheet.

  1. The first, and obvious, thing you can do with it is make it the first thing you put on your bed.
  2. You can shoot it with a shot gun (skeet-sheet shooting). This will give you “holy sheet”.
  3. You can hide your cat in a fitted sheet (nobody will notice because a “folded” fitted sheet has no actual standard form, and any lump(s) – even moving ones – look natural. This will give you “cat sheet”. 
    • You can probably also do the same with your dog, horse, or cow, depending on the size of the fitted sheet. This will render “dog sheet”, “horse sheet” or “cow sheet”. And if you bring your fitted sheet out into the woods, you may get lucky and end up with “bear sheet”. 
    • But, most likely, you will end up with “bull sheet”.

You can do many things with a fitted sheet. You just can’t fold it.

But, not to worry about that because you can also use it as a sale on your boat. However, you will want at least three of them. This will make you “three sheets to the wind.”

Once you’ve reached that goal, you won’t care about folding it.

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The Domestic Me – The Institute For Teach Cook: Episode One-B – Culinary Art – Installment One

Hello, once again, Gentle Reader, and welcome to another episode of “The Domestic Me“.

I’ve recently noticed that Culinary Art and Gourmet Recipes have become vogue on Facebook. I have been impressed with the presentations and have found myself, on more than one occasion, salivating like Pavlov’s Dog.

I have also found myself wondering how mere human beings come up with such wonderfully incredible ways to entice, indulge and satisfy one’s appetite.

Well, I’m still wondering, but I have decided that the best way to figure it out is to try my own hand and inject my own cooking abilities into the fray!

So, without any further ado, I am proud and excited to introduce my first foray in the field of “Culinary Art”.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Gourmets of all ages! I give you

Oeilet Petit Instant et Supplements de Vitamines

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Oeilet Petit Instant et Supplements de Vitamines – Step by step instructions:

  1. Preheat oven to 730 degrees Fahrenheit. 
  2. Go to the refrigerator and pull out a gallon of milk (you can also substitute a quart of milk or a pint of milk, but you won’t have as much left after you dump 8 ounces of the stuff into – oh wait – that’s coming up later and I don’t want to spoil the surprise).
  3. Go to the pantry and open the door.
  4. Recover from the shock of having your cat leap out at you from the darkness within the pantry.
  5. Find one of the three (3) boxes of Oeilet Petit Instant stored there and remove one packet of the Oeilet Petit Instant powder.
  6. Go to cupboard and open the door.
  7. Grab an 8 ounce drinking cup (Surprise!).
  8. Go to the bathroom and open the Medicine Cabinet door.
  9. Pull out appropriate quantities of your favorite Supplements de Vitamines and deposit them into a paper cup for transport to the kitchen.
    • For the purposes of this recipe, I have chosen to include the following quantities of the following Supplements de Vitamines:
      • “B” = 3000 mg (3 gel caps)
      • “C” = 1 tablet
      • “E” = 1 gel cap
      • Glucosemine Chondroitin = 1 horse pill
      • Ginkgo Biloba = 2 capsules
      • Centrum Silver (non-chewable) = 1 tablet
      • Fish Oil (Definitely non-chewable) = 1 gel cap
      • Ginseng = 2 capsules
  10. Check the heat on the oven.
  11. Dump about 8 ounces of milk into the cup.
  12. Pour in the powder.
  13. Go find a clean spoon (in an emergency, a knife or fork will do, but it will take longer to mix. Or if you’re in a real bind you can try covering the top of the cup with one hand and shake vigorously for five minutes, but I don’t recommend it).
  14. Stir the mixture until well blended.
  15. Turn off the oven.
  16. Arrange the cup and Supplements de Vitamines in some attractive fashion and serve.

Enjoy!

Update:  There is no possible way one can begin to start to commence try to appreciate how good a glass of Oeilet Petit Instant can taste until you have been on Nutrisystems for two months. Seriously.