Finally, after 67 years, I have met my match in the kitchen. Out of respect for my friend’s family, I will not give his name. 

How do I know that he is my culinary equal?

I’ll tell you…

Judy: “What did you guys have for dinner at the meeting tonight?”

Bill: “Lasagnsicles.”

J: “What’s that?”

B: “It’s frozen lasagna that you are supposed to cook for two hours at 350 degrees that you only cook for forty-five minutes in an oven that’s not turned on.”

And that, dear friends, is how I know that I have met my culinary equal. 

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Coffee.

Coffee is just about the most ubiquitous liquid currently found in the solar system. I used to think that it was the Pacific Ocean, however, I now know that sea water runs a semi-distant second to coffee. It’s everywhere. That’s because it reproduces itself.

And almost everybody drinks it. You (very nearly) cannot visit a friend, neighbor, lawyer or hated enemy without hearing the words, “Would you care for a cup of coffee?” immediately after hearing the words, “Have a seat and take a load off.” (In the case of the lawyer, the script changes somewhat to “Please sign here. Have a seat and take a load off. Please sign this disclaimer. Would you care for a cup of coffee?”)

Coffee takes on an almost uncountable number of forms. It mixes with almost anything you can fit into your cup, whether it be liquid, solid or gas. Anything. (There is some question as to whether Metamucil is compatible with coffee, but I have yet to determine that with one hundred percent confidence.)

Aside from being unable to avoid the immediate availability of coffee in stores of all types, restaurants, cruise ships, airplanes, motorhomes, law offices, medical facilities, churches, sewage treatment plants, schools, gas stations, theatres, business offices, cemeteries, prisons, public restrooms and even a small number of public libraries, most people have at least two or three coffee pots in their homes. 

Judy and I are no different. We have always had them in our home. I think we currently have two, but I’m not certain that there aren’t more in storage somewhere on the homestead. We even have a reasonably equipped  “coffee station”:

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We keep the actual coffee in the refrigerator.

We also have a wide variety of coffee cups, mugs and Thermoses to make it easier to consume it, and paper towels with which to clean it up when there is an accident.

Where coffee is concerned, we are just like any other household with one minor exception.

Judy and I don’t actually drink coffee. 

Yes, you read that right. Judy and I are not coffee drinkers. What’s worse is that we don’t even know how to make coffee – seriously.

So why do we have all of this stuff? 

Well, we have offspring who visit on occasion, and seventy-five percent of them do drink coffee. (The other twenty-five percent settle for beer.) They all know how to use it and, being accommodating parents, we keep it around for them.

Until last night…

I read, last night, that Gary Larson (creator of “The Far Side” and my American literary hero) was once asked how he came up with ideas for his cartoon. His answer was the he would down a few cups of coffee before starting to work on a cartoon. 

This gave me an idea – I got up and headed to the “coffee center” in the kitchen. While on my way, I called for Judy and asked her to show me how to make coffee. 

It was only then that I found out that she didn’t know how to make coffee, either. We cooperated and worked on the problem together for about twenty minutes – she reading instructions, and me putting them into action. 

Then this ensued…

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I tested a fifty gallon drum of my first brew of coffee.

At about 2:30 this morning, it dawned on me that I probably should have done this a lot earlier in the day…

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*** If you would like to find out about some of the many different makes and models of coffee, as well as a few of the most popular additive combinations, you can click here to go to Wikipedia and marvel at (what I am certain is a small portion of) the multitudinous array of caffeine sleep inhibitors available on the Earth today.  

Christmas shopping done!!!

Yes, once again, I have completed my Christmas shopping weeks before the blessed event takes place!

Message to giftees:

  • There are 15 people on my shopping list
  • There are 19 gifts bought and paid for
  • Each of you recipients pick one, in order of how much you love me, most to least
  • I get the leftovers

AND…

… I saved enough money to buy that boat I’ve had my eyes on!

Merry Christmas!

We are in the process of moving into a new home and I was just feeding our new fish in our new pond just off our new front porch. We have been able to count eleven adult fish in the pond. We figure that they must be adult fish because we have just discovered two actual new fish in there with them. I was having a fun and relaxing time watching them swim to the surface and grabbing the fish food flakes sprinkled there for them.  

We had asked the previous owners of the house if the fish had names. They responded that, yes, they had named them. Not only had they named them, they could actually tell them apart! I can’t tell one from another (except for the two babies because the coloring is lighter at this stage).

So, instead of giving them new individual names (I can’t remember the originals), I have decided to name the group. They are now collectively known as FPF’s (Front Porch Fishes). I know that it probably ought be be something like Front Pond Fishes, but I like Front Porch Fishes. 

At some point we may be able to tell them apart, and then we can give them individual names, but they will always be FPF’s to me. 

Murphy is also quite curious and went sniffing around the pond while the FPF’s were at the surface feeding. Afterall, he was raised as a hunting dog. This triggered a thought in my mind:

Hmmm… Maybe it’s time for me to go get a new fishing pole… I don’t think you need a license to fish in your own pond…

This may sound a bit off, but it’s more sporting than shooting them with a gun, don’t you think?

BK 🙂

Hello, again, Gentle Reader(s – being optimistic here),

It’s time to launch yet another category in the seemingly unending launch of new categories on this blog site. Today, I am introducing the newly conceived Domestic Poetry category, based on the fact that I couldn’t think of anything else to call it. 

It may change in the future when I choose to expend the energy required to come up with a decent title, but for now, it’s Domestic Poetry.

So, with that, let us be off…

As, probably, all of you don’t know, I love cashews. I think that the cashew is the absolute best nut ever devised by God. Sure! There are other nuts – Peanuts, Walnuts, Almonds, Pistachios, Politicians (I don’t want to play favorites, here), Hazel, Macadamia, Pecan, Hex, Wing, Cap, Flange, Coco, Brazil, and Pine to name a few. But Cashews really stand out, in my book.

This being the case, I have decided to formalize my taste for cashews in the same way that I have formalized my feelings for my dogs. With a poem.

So without any further explanation, I shall begin now…

Ode To Cashews

By

William H. Kammerer, Jr, Esq. (Not)

“I think that no-one ever knew,

A tree yummy as a cashew”

.

.

I love Cashews, yes,

It’s cashews that I love,

I love them when they’re from below,

And when their from above. 

.

Cashews to the left of me, 

Cashews to the right,

Cashews there for me to eat,

All through the day and night.

 .

Cashews to the North of me,

Cashews to the south,

Cashews to the East and West,

Just waiting for my mouth.

.

Cashews in the kitchen,

Cashews in the den,

Cashews found inside my house,

Located end to end.

.

Cashews in the cupboard,

Cashews in a drawer,

I love cashews so darned much,

I’d eat them off the floor.

.

Cashews lightly salted,

Or not salted at all,

Or even lots of salt on top,

You know I’ll eat them all.

.

Cashews with my breakfast,

Cashews with my lunch, 

Cashews for my dinner, too,

Yes, I eat them by the bunch.

.

Cashews for my mid-day snack,

And for eating in between,

Chances I may forget them,

Are really pretty lean.

.

No matter what the time of day,

No matter time of year, 

The cashew is the nut I crave,

With them, I have no fear.

.

So if you wonder what I’d like,

For Christmas time this year,

Just think of this and and when you shop,

The answer’s pretty clear.

.

Cashew.

Gazuntite. 

Hello again, gentle reader. It’s time for, yet, another lesson on how to lead a successful life in the kitchen. This time, I’m actually going to give a real recipe! How about them apples?

Actually, there are no apples involved with this concoction, but there is a half a banana, so I figure the colloquialism kinda fits. They are, after all, both fruits.

Several months ago, I fell prey to a recipe shared on Facebook for a home-made milkshake using vanilla, unsweetened coco, bananas, ice, almond milk and a blender. It was awful. Really awful.

But the general idea intrigued me, and since that time I have been experimenting   on my own with my own idea of ingredients.

I believe that I have come up with a winner.

A few days ago I was talking with a friend (Heather) about my concoction, and she asked me to send the recipe to her and our mutual friend (Roberta)…

So here’s the recipe…

What you need:

  1. Blender, one each
  2. Banana, one half each
  3. Ice Cubes, twelve each
  4. Packet of Carnation Instant Breakfast, one each
  5. Metamucil (optional, but I highly recommend it), sort of a small spoonful each
  6. Chunky Peanut Butter, one small glob each
  7. Almond Milk, 8 ounces each
  8. Tall Drinking Cup (I use a 20 oz. shaker-mixer-cup-thingy – see photo below), one each
  9. Really Long Straw (I use this clear plastic tubular object that I thought was a really long straw, but which my wife later identified as a ‘Stirring Rod’. I’m including a photo below so that you may be able to identify it if you ever see one in real life), one each

What you do with all of this stuff:

  1. Carefully, even gently, dump it all into the blender
  2. Turn the blender on ‘High’
    1. My ‘High’ setting is labeled ‘Ice Crush’
    2. Yours may be something other than that – perhaps something like ‘Hyper-thermonuclear-atomic-nutrient-conglomerator-button’
    3. Or it may be something like the afore mentioned ‘High’
    4. Whatever your particular setting is, press that button
  3. After a very short time, turn the blender off
  4. Look for the lid (to the blender)
  5. Put the lid on the blender
  6. Refer to step 2

While the drink is mixing, you should:

  1. Clean up the mess that was created when you forgot to put the lid on the blender prior to starting it the first time
  2. Place the unused half of the banana inside some sort of zip-lock baggie contraption and put it into the refrigerator for future milkshake endeavors
  3. Put the rest of the stuff you are finished with where it belongs (pantry, trash, dog’s food dish, etc.)

When the mix looks like it’s completed, hit the ‘Off’ button again> open the blender lid> pour what’s inside into the 20 oz. drinking cup> stick one end of the straw into the cup> stick the other end of the straw into your mouth> suck.

Then say, “Wow! That’s really GOOD!”

I had set up a the kitchen with all of the stuff required to show you how to make this stuff, and enlisted my beloved wife to video me explaining the process. The whole thing went off without a hitch – it was perfect!

Except that Judy shot the whole demonstration using the ‘Time Lapsed” setting instead of the “video” setting on my iPhone.

BUT – it came out even more appropriately (for this blog, anyway) than if we had shot in video mode. You just have to read my lips and follow along.   Very quickly. But it WILL save you time…

Stirring Rod (Really big drinking straw)

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Tall Drinking Cup

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By the time I had thought of including a photo, I had already finished drinking my shake. It was good.

I refuse to acknowledge even the remotest possibility that a fitted sheet can be re-folded the way it was when you bought the thing. In fact, I don’t believe it was ever folded that way in the first place. I think they inject some sort of drug into the package that makes you think it’s folded.

There is a reason they call them “fitted”, and it’s not because they “fit” onto the mattress. It’s because folding them gives me fits.

When I was in the Navy, I learned how to fold my laundry correctly. I can fold socks, shirts, pants, underwear, towels and sheets. Yes, sheets.

The problem is that, in bootcamp, we didn’t have fitted sheets. We had two un-fitted sheets, and you had to be able to bounce a quarter off the bottom sheet in order to pass inspection. It is clear why they didn’t have fitted sheets  you couldn’t bounce an idea off a fitted sheet, especially after you have tried to fold it. 

You can do lots of things with a fitted sheet. You just can’t fold it neatly. I’ve decided to try to list a few of the things that you can do with a fitted sheet.

  1. The first, and obvious, thing you can do with it is make it the first thing you put on your bed.
  2. You can shoot it with a shot gun (skeet-sheet shooting). This will give you “holy sheet”.
  3. You can hide your cat in a fitted sheet (nobody will notice because a “folded” fitted sheet has no actual standard form, and any lump(s) – even moving ones – look natural. This will give you “cat sheet”. 
    • You can probably also do the same with your dog, horse, or cow, depending on the size of the fitted sheet. This will render “dog sheet”, “horse sheet” or “cow sheet”. And if you bring your fitted sheet out into the woods, you may get lucky and end up with “bear sheet”. 
    • But, most likely, you will end up with “bull sheet”.

You can do many things with a fitted sheet. You just can’t fold it.

But, not to worry about that because you can also use it as a sale on your boat. However, you will want at least three of them. This will make you “three sheets to the wind.”

Once you’ve reached that goal, you won’t care about folding it.

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Hello, once again, Gentle Reader, and welcome to another episode of “The Domestic Me“.

I’ve recently noticed that Culinary Art and Gourmet Recipes have become vogue on Facebook. I have been impressed with the presentations and have found myself, on more than one occasion, salivating like Pavlov’s Dog.

I have also found myself wondering how mere human beings come up with such wonderfully incredible ways to entice, indulge and satisfy one’s appetite.

Well, I’m still wondering, but I have decided that the best way to figure it out is to try my own hand and inject my own cooking abilities into the fray!

So, without any further ado, I am proud and excited to introduce my first foray in the field of “Culinary Art”.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Gourmets of all ages! I give you

Oeilet Petit Instant et Supplements de Vitamines

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Oeilet Petit Instant et Supplements de Vitamines – Step by step instructions:

  1. Preheat oven to 730 degrees Fahrenheit. 
  2. Go to the refrigerator and pull out a gallon of milk (you can also substitute a quart of milk or a pint of milk, but you won’t have as much left after you dump 8 ounces of the stuff into – oh wait – that’s coming up later and I don’t want to spoil the surprise).
  3. Go to the pantry and open the door.
  4. Recover from the shock of having your cat leap out at you from the darkness within the pantry.
  5. Find one of the three (3) boxes of Oeilet Petit Instant stored there and remove one packet of the Oeilet Petit Instant powder.
  6. Go to cupboard and open the door.
  7. Grab an 8 ounce drinking cup (Surprise!).
  8. Go to the bathroom and open the Medicine Cabinet door.
  9. Pull out appropriate quantities of your favorite Supplements de Vitamines and deposit them into a paper cup for transport to the kitchen.
    • For the purposes of this recipe, I have chosen to include the following quantities of the following Supplements de Vitamines:
      • “B” = 3000 mg (3 gel caps)
      • “C” = 1 tablet
      • “E” = 1 gel cap
      • Glucosemine Chondroitin = 1 horse pill
      • Ginkgo Biloba = 2 capsules
      • Centrum Silver (non-chewable) = 1 tablet
      • Fish Oil (Definitely non-chewable) = 1 gel cap
      • Ginseng = 2 capsules
  10. Check the heat on the oven.
  11. Dump about 8 ounces of milk into the cup.
  12. Pour in the powder.
  13. Go find a clean spoon (in an emergency, a knife or fork will do, but it will take longer to mix. Or if you’re in a real bind you can try covering the top of the cup with one hand and shake vigorously for five minutes, but I don’t recommend it).
  14. Stir the mixture until well blended.
  15. Turn off the oven.
  16. Arrange the cup and Supplements de Vitamines in some attractive fashion and serve.

Enjoy!

Update:  There is no possible way one can begin to start to commence try to appreciate how good a glass of Oeilet Petit Instant can taste until you have been on Nutrisystems for two months. Seriously. 

Howdy again, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages! It’s time once again for another rip-roaring episode of

The Domestic Me:

Tales of Me Around The Domicile

When we last left our hero at the end of episode one of The Domestic Me, he had just finished explaining that he doesn’t cook much because he doesn’t like trying to find a place for pots and pans in the dishwasher, and so he doesn’t do anything to get them dirty, and so he doesn’t use them in cooking, and so he eats a lot of cold food.

What we  have not been made aware of is the fact that he has since changed his eating habits (gone on a diet – utilizing a well known, though not to be named, program) and has, therefore, been eating very healthily over the past two weeks.

But what THAT doesn’t tell us is that, while he has been eating a lot of fruits and vegetables and other really good stuff and in the proper portion sizes, he has eaten a lot of those things raw. And as he tells it,

“I have really learned to hate raw carrots. I may have to cook something to relieve myself of this misery.”

And so, in the interest of relieving himself of the misery of eating another raw carrot or raw celery or raw lettuce or raw any vegetable or combination of vegetables, he finally decided to dirty up a few pots and pans on some broccoli and green beans..

From Scratch.

Using never been processed broccoli and green beans…

And so, friends, he found himself in the kitchen, alone with just two pots, a pile of green beans, a sack of fresh broccoli, a knife, some water, a stove and the determination to escape raw carrots.

Oh yeah – and a pre-packaged grilled chicken breast with instructions to put it into the micro-wave on high for 30 – 45 seconds or until warm. (Heating times may vary due to differences in microwave ovens.)

This last bit of information was to prove prophetic. But we’ll let his Facebook status updates and their resulting comments tell the rest of the story…

You can usually tell when Judy is out of town by looking at me. That’s because I loose weight, and that’s because I don’t put pots and pans into the dishwasher, and that’s because I don’t do anything that would mess them up. Meaning, of course, I don’t cook much when she’s gone.

Why don’t I cook? Well, in point of fact, I do. I have a serviceable microwave and a toaster, both of which are well within walking distance of  the refrigerator… And I have pretty much figured out  how to use them.

And, in the refrigerator, there is food. Fortunately, some of it doesn’t require much actual preparation. Even more fortunately, some of it (about 95% of what I use – the other 5% is Ice Cream) actually IS the preparation. It’s called milk.

Milk is an amazingly versatile food product in that it can be used in the preparation of a whole plethora of meals that don’t require actual heating, and some (one) that only require minimal heating.

Two that come to mind are Carnation Instant Breakfast and Quaker Instant Oatmeal, both of which are stapels of my “Judy ain’t around” dietary plan. And, for variety, I like to switch the oatmeal off with Cheerios or Wheat Chex on occasion. Or have one for breakfast and one for dinner.

Another food that is well accompanied by milk is Oreo Cookies. as well as the occasional Chips Ahoy. And then there’s the ultimate in my culinary talents, Skipy Super Chunk Peanut Butter, of which I consume copious amounts, both with bread and with a spoon.

I also consume minute amounts of raisins (mixed in with the oatmeal, usually), bananas (which I usually eat alone – somehow dunking a banana into milk just isn’t the same as performing the same chore with an Oreo) and walnuts (which I keep in a big blue plastic party cup on my desk to stave off those hunger pangs while I am working). Most of those don’t require much milk, though.

So, as you can see, I have all of the basic food groups covered with my dietary plan:

Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, Desert and In Between Meal Snacks.

How much more balanced can a guy be?

OK.. I can cook.. I have cooked in the past. But when I cook, I dirty up pots and pans, and they don’t do well in the dish washer – they take up too much room and you can only fit a couple of them at one time. And that wastes water and energy (mine). And Judy won’t wash them by hand.

Ergo, I don’t cook…


To read “The Fashionable Me’ and learn my valuable secrets on spring fashion, click here…