Click here to catch up on everything and have some idea what the heck is going on…  and start at the bottom of the page with Part 1 (one).

Click here to go to Part Five (5)… so you know where we left off…

Well, Bovine enthusiasts, it’s been almost four (4) years since last we met on the subject of cows. I’m thinking I have left you hanging long enough. But take solace in the fact that this will, perhaps, be the last of the trilogy. Who knows…

So…

Yes, it is, in fact, a fact that chickens smell multitudes worse than cows. Multitudes squared, actually.

While cows can smell items up to six miles away, you, as a human being, can smell a chicken ranch at nearly twice that distance, given favorable (or unfavorable, depending on how you smell it) wind direction. In that regard, cows can be labeled “fortunate”. 

I say “fortunate” because nobody wants to be the stinkiest object in the room. Not even a cow. And with chickens providing such negatively aromatic competition, the typical cow can point an accusatory hoof at the nearest barnyard provider of delicious eggs and deflect most, if not all, thoughts of disgust otherwise aimed toward her.  

But lets face it, even though a cow is not a chicken, she still emits a pretty “fowl” odor. 

But lets further face it, if there are chickens around, a cow doesn’t smell nearly so bad. This is especially true if you live in rural areas of the planet. 

But lets further face it further. If you are a city dweller, you, most likely, don’t live in very close proximity of a true, bonafide chicken raising, egg producing,  heavily populated chicken ranch. And you probably don’t have the foggiest idea just how much the chickens on that ranch poop. And you don’t have ANY idea what that sh – stuff smells like in large quantities.

Well let me tell you, city slicker, I DO! And it ain’t ANYTHING like your brand newly planted front lawn. 

Uh… sorry. Got a little carried away… 

“So,” you ask, “just how bad can a chicken smell, anyway?”

I am pleased that you have brought that up. To answer that question, I have assembled a short list of “how bads” for your consideration. 

  • The odor emanating from a small to medium sized chicken ranch is so bad that you can hear it.
    • (Yes, you can actually hear the smell, and it is not nearly as appealing as the sound of screeching brakes ending with a crash and the sound of breaking glass.) 
  • A chicken ranch can smell so bad that, over a long period of exposure, roosters have been known to lay eggs.
    • (Yes, even chickens are negatively impacted by their own smell.)
  •  I’ve seen uninitiated folks have their socks curl up, disintegrate and fall out of their shoes at the first whiff of a working chicken ranch.  
    • (Yes, up. Not down – up.)
  • And, finally, a chicken ranch ALWAYS smells so bad that it makes a cow smell like Nirvana Rose perfume.
    • (Yes, women – and the men who smell them – would rather smell like a cow than be subjected to the odor of the average chicken ranch.)

That’s how bad it is. It’s awful. Really awful.

And that, my friend, is what makes a cow smell so good.

Comparatively. 

And on that note, it’s time to say…

Moo… 

 

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Things With Six Strings

In our last discussion, we learned all about Bed Hair. We learned about how it creeps up on you in the night.

While you sleep.

We learned that it gives no hint of it’s existence through any of our physical senses except for eyesight. We cannot directly hear, taste smell or feel it.

Notice the word ‘directly’.. for, while we cannot detect the ailment physically through any of these other four senses,we can detect when someone else has seen it in ourselves.

For example, we can hear someone whispering behind our back about how ridiculous we look with our ‘hair like that’.

We learned that Bed Hair makes no distinction between classes of people – it strikes anyone within reach of its’ pernicious tentacles – ever searching for that one last victim.

We learned that (contrary to the general population of the planet) some famous historical figures have made their…

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Hmmm… I guess you can train nose hairs after all… 

Nose hairs

Things With Six Strings

I’m going to start out by admitting something that has been rolling around in my head for a week or two.

For a long time, I didn’t think I was getting any older, and the thought that I was not getting any younger never made it’s way into my head. However, that has changed, and I am ready to go on record as believing that I am, in fact, not getting any younger. 

At first, I was disappointed that I was not aging in reverse, but after some consideration, I have decided that that’s not a bad thing, and here’s why…

When I thought about it, I realized that time only moves forward, never backward, and the only way one can expect to be around tomorrow is to move forward with it and get older. When you stop moving forward with time and, therefore, stop getting older, you die (not necessarily in that order)…

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Things With Six Strings

I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine (I’ll call her Judy) the other day (actually about 20 years ago, at this point, but something happened to me this morning that made me think of the conversation) when the subject of an early morning knock on the door came up.

It seems that her husband had somehow locked himself out of the house while releasing the dogs for an early morning constitutional in the backyard dog run. Being dressed only in his shorts and a small (but not unattractive) apron which proudly proclaimed “I’ll never be barefoot and pregnant”, he, quite naturally, was hesitant to go to the front door of their house to gain entrance. (Being new in the neighborhood, he was concerned about first impressions, and moseying through the front yard in such attire would give him unwelcome exposure – so to speak – to…

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Way back in 2015 – more practice with auto-focus. Before we got a real movie camera…

Again, making it up as we go along… And Steve is actually just under 6’7″ tall…