Month: June 2011

Cow Facts Trilogy – Part Four Again (4 Again): A Cow By Any Other Name…

Everybody likes cows, or, at least they should. That’s because cows are eminently likable. They are gentle creatures who, if they live in California at least, are happy to make us milk and cheese and cream and other dairy products.

Also, properly prepared, they taste good.

Cows have all sorts of wonderful qualities and attributes. Where would we be without them? Think of all of the things that we would be missing without cows (other than the obvious, I mean)…

  • Cowards – without cows, they would just be “Ards” – and who wants to be one of those?
  • Cowcatcher – Without cows, we couldn’t tell if we were talking about railroads or baseball.
  • Cow Pie – without our beloved cows, we would just have pies.  Hmm.. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing…

And perhaps worst of all,

  • Cowboys – without cows, they would just be “Boys”

    • Think about that – we would have to endure an endless stream of “Boy” movies and “Boy” songs and “Boy” tales.

Yes, cows are a part of our every day lives, and we don’t often stop to think about that. So the next time you put on a pair of shoes, thank a cobbler. And if they are leather shoes, thank a cow…

But there are some things that a cow just cannot do…

  • A cow cannot shoot pool.
  • A cow cannot engage in a round of thumb wrestling.
  • A cow cannot shuffle a deck of cards.

But even if a cow could, somehow, be taught to do one or more of those things, there is one thing that a cow can never, ever, ever, in any universe, do…  

A cow cannot, under any circumstances, smell good.

Let’s face it – cows stink.

And because they offend the typical human olfactory senses, they are passed over for many opportunities which are available to people who don’t smell half as bad as the typical cow. (Is that fair? I’ll leave it to you to decide – I’m just reporting the facts, here.)

And this will be our jumping off point for the next installment of The Cow Facts Trilogy…

Moo.

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  Click here to go to Part 6 (Which used to be part 5, but was demoted. Don’t ask. Just go there.) 

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The Domestic Me – The Institute For Teach Cook: Episode One-A – Cooking: Why I Shouldn’t

Howdy again, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages! It’s time once again for another rip-roaring episode of

The Domestic Me:

Tales of Me Around The Domicile

When we last left our hero at the end of episode one of The Domestic Me, he had just finished explaining that he doesn’t cook much because he doesn’t like trying to find a place for pots and pans in the dishwasher, and so he doesn’t do anything to get them dirty, and so he doesn’t use them in cooking, and so he eats a lot of cold food.

What we  have not been made aware of is the fact that he has since changed his eating habits (gone on a diet – utilizing a well known, though not to be named, program) and has, therefore, been eating very healthily over the past two weeks.

But what THAT doesn’t tell us is that, while he has been eating a lot of fruits and vegetables and other really good stuff and in the proper portion sizes, he has eaten a lot of those things raw. And as he tells it,

“I have really learned to hate raw carrots. I may have to cook something to relieve myself of this misery.”

And so, in the interest of relieving himself of the misery of eating another raw carrot or raw celery or raw lettuce or raw any vegetable or combination of vegetables, he finally decided to dirty up a few pots and pans on some broccoli and green beans..

From Scratch.

Using never been processed broccoli and green beans…

And so, friends, he found himself in the kitchen, alone with just two pots, a pile of green beans, a sack of fresh broccoli, a knife, some water, a stove and the determination to escape raw carrots.

Oh yeah – and a pre-packaged grilled chicken breast with instructions to put it into the micro-wave on high for 30 – 45 seconds or until warm. (Heating times may vary due to differences in microwave ovens.)

This last bit of information was to prove prophetic. But we’ll let his Facebook status updates and their resulting comments tell the rest of the story…

Prelude to “Cow Facts Trilogy – Part Four (4)” – A Major Announcement

Major Notice:

Most of you probably thought that we were done with Cow Facts two years ago. Or, at least, you were hoping we were.

Well, sadly for some of you, this is clearly not the case…

Not only is Cow Facts back in the saddle, it now qualifies (according to my own arbitrary rules for category qualification – the “Bill Kammerer Rules For Category Qualification”) as it’s own category – that’s right! If you search by category and input the words “Cow Facts”, you will be brought to a page that has all of the episodes of this timeless masterpiece gathered in one place…  

Also, you will notice that this is part “Four” (4) of a trilogy. Now, we all know that a trilogy is made up of exactly three (3) parts. So why is there a part “Four” (4)? *

* Lest you think that I am some sort of mathematical moron, just let me say that there are three kinds of people in the world: 

  • The ones who can do math and
  • The ones who can’t.

There is actually a very good reason for that, and I’m going to make it up right here on the spot so that you understand what that reason is.

Explanation:

A one (1) part trilogy would not be a “oneilgy” (though you might refer to it as a “monology”, I guess) because it only has one (1) part and needs no further titular explanation.

A two (2) part trilogy would be referred to as a “dualogy”.

Then, of course, we come to “trilogy”, a three (3) part series.

Then we come to where we would be now if I were going to be here – Quadrilogy – a set of four (4) episodes and then on to five (5) or “pentology”..

If I’m going to knock out four of these things, it stands to reason that I might just keep going on ad nauseam (refer to my biography) until way past the time that the cows come home, so to speak…

I can go on to Part Five (5) and blow through that with no problem, but Six (6) is where I draw the line...

Six (6) would be a “Sexology”, and I’m just not that kind of writer.

Therefor, if I do 137 parts to Cow Facts, it will remain a ‘Trilogy”.

End of major notice…

A Cow By Any Other Name

Posted 6/12/11

News flash!!!  I have a new Cow Fact to report!

Cows smell bad. Really bad.

But I’m hungry now, and I don’t want to ruin my meager dinner thinking about that, so you’re going to have to wait to read about it… 

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Click here to go to part 4