Hello, again Gentle Reader(s),

Once, again, it’s time for, yet, another recounting of a conversation with the most amazing female walking the Earth today. Yes, that’s right, my wife, Judy. This particular exchange actually took place several months, maybe even years, but probably months ago…

(Cue the memory sequence music here)

(We join our memory as the music fades, with me exiting the bathroom after a somewhat extended visit and encountering the lovely and, patient, Judy in the – albeit extremely short – bathroom waiting line in the master bedroom…)

Bill: “Oh, hi, my little snooky-wookie-kins! Are you waiting for me?”

Judy: “Why, no, my love, my very own, I am not,” and she goes on, “I am waiting for the bathroom.”

Bill: “Of course, my sweet. It’s all yours.”

Judy enters the bathroom… Judy exits the bathroom… Judy speaks…

J: “How do you do that?”

B “How do I do what?”

J: “The bathroom never smells when you come out. How do you do that?”

B: “Seriously? Really?”

J: “Yeah, really. It never has.”

B: “Well, statistically, there is a very small minority of people, of which I am fortunate to be counted among, who can claim to possess the ‘Mine Doesn’t Stink’ charism.”

J: “Well, as much as I hate to say it, and as ridiculous as it may sound, I have to agree.”

Move ahead about ten days…

Bill exits the bathroom.

Judy enters the bathroom.

Judy exits the bathroom.

J: “I’ve changed my mind.”

Judy just got her first COVID vaccine shot and we are waiting 15 minutes quietly in the car. She just spoke:

 

Judy: “Are you just sitting there waiting for me to explode?”

 

Bill: “If I was waiting for you to explode, I would be wearing my raincoat.”

Judy just said something to me and I wasn’t sure I heard her right, so I responded, “OK por butter ba ba mooford?” Is that what you said?

 

“Yeah.”

 

I think she’s giving up on me…

Hello once again, Gentle Reader(s?)…

Yes, it’s Coffee Moron, here! And I have some truly enlightening news to report! But first, a word, or two, on how I came to discover this information…

Today, early in the morning, I slithered out of bed with a hankering for – you guessed it – the bathroom! Skipping ahead a bit, my next craving was for a – you guessed it again – a haircut! But skipping a bit further ahead (because a haircut is not currently available in my neck of the woods), my next hanker was for a – you probably didn’t guess this – cup of coffee…

Yes, Gentle Reader(s), coffee. 

As you may, or may not, remember from past postings, depending upon how Gentle a Reader you may or may not be, I have been on an adventure of coffee discovery over the past couple of years. I have learned many things (mostly, how to gain ten pounds in a period of two months), some of which have been beneficial to my daily routine, if not to my waistline.  But all of them have affected my life in some way or other. 

Anyway, I haven’t experimented with coffee much, lately, and I didn’t experiment this morning, either. It was a typical throw in enough water for three cups, all of which fit into one mug, scoop in three mountainous scoops of grounds, hit the “on” switch, wait for the gurgling noise to stop, pour the result into my mug, add a half gallon of heavy whipping cream and drink. 

But there was a slight difference today, in that we had to go out for a few hours. This, of course, meant that I couldn’t finish my daily serving of coffee (I don’t like to guzzle it down) and I ended up pouring about half of it down the sink.

When we returned to the house, I decided that I really needed to have my full daily allotment of the stuff that waistlines (mine, anyway) are made of, so I went directly to the coffee pot and began to restart the whole process.

Standing there, in front of the coffee maker, I lifted the lid to the thing that holds the filter, reached for it with the intention of tossing the used filter and grounds into the waiting trash can and froze; my mind evaluating the cost of the grounds so perfectly placed within the coffee-filter-holder-thing…

“Hmmm,” I thought, “I wonder what it would be like to just use the same pile of grounds for this new pot…”

Being the adventuresome sort of guy that I am (adventuresome = cheap and, more to the point, lazy), I decided to give it a shot. 

So I did…

Now, for the discovery…

While the resulting concoction was kinda similar to coffee (the water part of the solution looked a little brownish and there was a faint odor of coconut – this was Hawaiian Hazelnut coffee), the flavor was more like heavy whipping cream mixed with nitrogen and brownish-colored water. It wasn’t quite as good as my usual product. 

This, of course, resulted in me having to toss the existing grounds (although, I admit, I toyed with the idea that maybe this was just some sort of aberration and I should give it another shot). this, of course, meant that I had wasted, not only, enough water from our well to make a mug (three cups) of coffee, but also the time that I could have been watching Dr. Zachary Smith nearly destroying the entire Robinson family, along with Major Don West and the beloved family Robot in the next thrilling episode of Lost In Space. 

Please, I implore you, DO NOT TRY THIS. I have already done the hard work, and you really don’t have to. 

Really. 

You don’t.

Until next time, this is Coffee Moron, wishing you a Happy New Year! Be well!

 

A few minutes ago, I happened upon my beloved wife, in whom I am well pleased, sitting at her computer. The screen was filled with a lot of columns with a lot of medical looking terms, many of which I – for reasons unknown to me – did not recognize. I thought it was interesting because a few of them had a medical looking term followed by a mathematical looking symbol – which I DID recognize as your common, everyday household number (Like 1 or 2 or 7,000,023,194,586.01). This intrigued me, so, as I am want to do, I immediately struck up a friendly conversation (of which we have many)…

Bill: “That looks interesting. What is it?”

Judy: “I have my annual physical on Monday, and I’m doing the pre-check-in questionnaire online. This is my medical history page. I’m glad they let you do this because it looks like it will save a lot of time when I go in for my appointment.”

Bill, scanning the displayed medical looking terminology and picking one out for explanation: “Hmmm… That’s pretty cool. So, what’s ‘Stridor?” 

Judy: “It’s kind of a harsh vibrating noise when you breathe.”

B: “Well, you don’t seem to have that, so that’s a good thing, right? What is ‘Polydipsia’?”

J: “Well, it’s when you are always really thirsty.”

B: “You don’t seem to have that problem. Good.” Continuing my perusal, “What’s ‘Menarshay (my pronunciation)?”

J: “You mean ‘Menarche? (Menarkay’ – actual pronunciation) “

B: “Is that how you say it? Yeah, what’s that?”

J: “Well, that’s the age at which a girl has her first period.”

B: “Oh, OK.” I continued, “Well I’ve never had a period, but I’ve had a lot of exclamation points, question marks and far more than my share of commas.”

J: “That would be under Psychiatric Care…”

This morning as Judy was getting ready to leave for work…

Bill: “You know, Judy, I’m completely amazed that you don’t get irritated with me when I am being obnoxious.”

Judy: “Oh, but Bill, I DO get irritated with you. Sometimes VERY irritated. I simply refuse to give you the satisfaction of KNOWING I get irritated.”

I this a good thing?

The New Expletive

September 10, 2020

Hello, again, Gentle Reader(s?),

Yes, it’s time, once again, for you to make a decision on whether or not to continue reading a post from me. I’ll give you a minute to decide…

Still here? OK! We shall proceed.

Let’s take a moment to review this year…

Never mind – let’s not.

All in all, though, a pretty tough year for ALL of us, and it is hard to come up with something positive to say about this year.

But, as some of you may suspect, I try to be positive in any situation (we are currently engulfed by smoke and ashes, just a little less than a mile from the “evacuation warning” perimeter made possible by the Creek Fire, here in the Sierra Mountains).

In my efforts to find something positive to say about the entire year, I have come up with this…

Many of us are familiar with bad words. Some of them are really nasty. You may even remember my previous post on “Alternative Cuss Words“.  And I would venture to guess that you remember that now-famous line, uttered by Ralphie, from the movie, A Christmas Story” (One of my top two favorite films of all time)…

Well, I have, I believe, come up with a new and even BETTER “THE word. The BIG one. The QUEEN MOTHER of dirty words. The 2- – – word.”

Yes, that’s right. Those of us who abhor hearing or reading the “f- – -“, or “s- – -” or “(input your – – – -‘s here) words in everyday speech and correspondence may now have a chance to NOT hear or read those – – – -s.

Think of the possibilities:

“Ooooh twweeeennnntttyyy-nnniiiiinnnnnneteeeeeeennnnn! Only I didn’t say nineteen.”

“Well, we sure 2- – -‘d that up!”

Then, of course, there’s the famous greeting,

“Hey, m- – – – -2- – -“!

See? You can always find something positive in just about any situation. Even if nobody agrees with you…

Really, though, take care, be safe, and look for the positive – even though it’s well hidden, it’s there…

Honest…

BK

Judy woke up this morning and moved. This, naturally, caused me to – vaguely – awaken, also, though I didn’t move much. I just lay there, quietly, facing away from her, staring at the bookcase opposite my side of the bed and wondering what she was going to do next. 

And then, not surprisingly, she did it… 

She spoke.

Judy: “I just had a really uncomfortable dream. But I can’t remember what it was about.” And then she went on, “It’s like the details are quickly approaching a cliff and are about to go over into complete oblivion.”

Bill: “You bad a really convertible cream and you shan’t December fuzz had a clout?”

Judy: “I think you need to turn your not so bad ear to me. I will repeat this one time only.”

I rolled over to face Judy, with an emphasis on my right ear slightly more toward her face.

Judy: “I just had a really uncomfortable dream. But I can’t remember what it was about. It’s like the details are quickly approaching a cliff and are about to go over into complete oblivion.”

Bill: “Do you remember anything that was in the dream?”

She thought, in silence, for a few moments and then said, “Well, there wasn’t a dirigible. And there was no llama.”

B: “There wasn’t?”

J: “Yes, there wasn’t. I don’t think there was a cow or an ice cream cone, either. And I’m certain that it didn’t take place in ancient times or in the ocean or in Mexico.” She paused and then continued, “And there were no stairs or a garage. It didn’t involve a desk.”

B:  “I see… So you are eliminating everything that was NOT in the dream.”

J: “Yes.”

B “And by doing so, whatever is not on the “missing” list has to be in the dream.”

J: “Yes, that’ right.”

B: “And then you can put all things that are in the dream together to form a completed picture of whatever it was that made you so uncomfortable in the first place.”

J: “Yes.”

B: “It’s like a puzzle.”

J: “YES!!! It’s a puzzle!”

B: “How long do you think it might take?”

J: “Who cares? It’s a puzzle! I can work on it when I get home from work each day! This is going to be FUN!”

B: “What’s for breakfast?” 

49…

July 22, 2020

49 years ago, on July 24th, 1971, I married the world’s greatest woman. People used to ask Judy how she has managed to stay married to me all that time, and she used to answer, “I have a really bad memory” and we would all laugh.

Now when she is asked that same question, she responds with, “I have a really good memory…” 

I think that, maybe, my memory is better than hers…

Positively Shocking

May 11, 2020

I’m so positive that if a negative person came around me they would be in for a huge shock. But they might come out of it more grounded.   –   The Very William H. Kammerer, Jr., Esq. (Not)

 

Today, I got this letter from the Santa Clara Department Of Tax And Collections. It’s a nice letter, but I think they sent it to the wrong guy. Even if he has my name.

I thought that it might be a good idea for me to give them a call and let them know that I am not who they want me to be. 

So I did.

Unfortunately, they are not taking calls right now, but you can leave them a message.

So I did.

During their message to me telling me to leave a message for them, they suggested that I go to their web site with any inquiries.

So I did.

On their web site, they suggest sending them an email with any further inquiries.

So I did…

Greetings! 

My name is William Kammerer. I just received a tax lien notification # 2########6, apparently on an unsecured piece of property somewhere in Santa Clara County. 
It was originally addressed to a William Kammerer at 
                                                     William Kammerer Co Inc
                                                     1229 XXXXXX. Ste 210
                                                      XXXXXXX, CA   9XXXX
The year and assessment number are   91-XXXXXX-1  and the amount is $536.67
I’m guessing that’s the year 1991. Is this something you just noticed?
I’m writing to let you know that I am not the William Kammerer you are looking for. I have never lived, worked, or owned property in Santa Clara County, although I have driven through there a couple of times. I think I may have stopped at a fast food place there once, but I couldn’t swear to it.  
It appears that the document was originally sent in July 2019, but was forwarded to my address last week (4/27/2020). 
lien copy.jpg
I would like to say, though, that it might be fun to know how you came up with me as the recipient of this notice. And my wife wants to know a couple of things: “Is it a nice property?” And “If we pay the $536.67 can we have it?” 
My cell number is ###.###.####. Our home number is XXX.XXX.XXXX. I would give you my wife’s cell number, but I really don’t need another piece of property. 
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Regards,
The Wrong William Kammerer

Well, SIP continues and I hope that all of my reader(s?) are doing OK. I know it’s a bit stressful for everyone – maybe even boring in some cases.

That being the case, I thought that I might be able to help out with some ideas to help combat the boredom a bit by letting you know how I am keeping busy. 

To begin, let me assure you that we are doing fine. Fortunately, Judy is still working at the hospital, which leaves me time to accomplish a lot of things around the homestead. 

For example:

Monday, I discovered that *tinnitus notwithstanding, I was able to actually hear my beard growing! It’s an amazing sound if you’ve never heard it.

*Tuesday, I placed an ice cube in a bowl, set it on the coffee table in front of the TV, stared at it and melted it using only my brainpower. (It DID take longer than I thought it would, but at least I was able to add that information to my already extensive psychic knowledge. Not to mention the fact that I can now check that one off my bucket list.) 

*In the interest of full disclosure, I actually got the idea for this from a meme I saw on the interwebs and it seemed like something I could do so I decided to give it a shot. I have to say IT WORKS!

Wednesday, I started my truck:

Thursday, I have actually taken two showers. I am a very clean man, and my clothing (especially my underwear) is exceedingly grateful.

Friday, I’m trying to decide whether to read poetry to the Front Porch Fishes; get up extra early to track and narrate the progress of the pond lilies opening-up

Lilies.jpg

; or, perhaps, a combination of the two. It’s so hard to decide…

Well, I hope that gives you some good ideas on things to try! 

Take care (being serious, here)!

BK

Thoughts For The Day…

April 29, 2020

Today is Saturday number three… Or is it number four…

Yesterday, I cleaned the pool filter system. It was exhilarating. Today, I’m thinking of going all out and start my truck. 

I have discovered that Coffee Mate tastes better if you add a little coffee to it.

Success!

 

After decades of experience, I have decided, and confirmed a multitude of times, that there is never a tape measure around when you need one.

 

 

Ikea Puzzles

April 19, 2020

Does Ikea sell 1,000 piece puzzles already assembled?

Hmmm…