Thanksgiving day has passed. The leftovers are in the refrigerator, and the bathroom scale has been safely hidden away for the next three months…

Today is the last day of the month. Tomorrow, it will be gone. No matter how you want it, no matter where you search for it, no matter how you try to make it stay, in the end, you will realize that there is no vember…

Banned After 10:00 PM…

November 8, 2019

Judy has banned me from telling jokes between the hours of 10:00 PM and 8:00 AM because she can’t sleep if she is laughing. I will say, though, that it’s fun to see her get mad at me while she is laughing out loud…

Wow… Why is it so much later than it is?

BK

I’m uncomfortable in large crowds especially when I’m by myself, in which case, I guess, there aren’t a lot of people around so why be uncomfortable?

Given the choice between eating fish and sitting on a cactus, I would probably select the fish… But not by much..

Sometimes you have to stub your toe to realize that it doesn’t hurt when you don’t…

Judy, rushing out the door to make an appointment (35 miles away) to have the oil changed in her car…

Judy: “I have to run! I don’t want to be late! Pray that I have gas!”

Me: “Dear Lord, please give Judy gas. Amen.”

I guess prayer really does work…

Irreconcilable Differences…

September 8, 2019

Now, this is really disturbing… 

accordion and guitar world

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Hello, again Gentle Reader(s?),

Somebody, somewhere, says that some days are easier than others. At least, that’s what I have been told.

The following is a true story and I have the pictures to prove it… In fact, I think I’ll just let the pictures speak for themselves and save you the effort of reading the approximately 11,000 words that would be required to tell the story.

I will, however, just mention how this started. 

We needed a board. A 2 x 4, to be exact. There. It’s started…

board.jpg

 

There. Definitive proof that I have the mechanical ability of a cumquat. 

 

 

Hello again, Gentle Reader(s?),

In this episode, we are going to talk about building a set. Sort of.

Actually, building a set is a lot like working a puzzle. Basically, you start out with a bunch of separate smaller seemingly unrelated pieces which just sort of sit there and say, “I dare you to try to find a way to make us look like we were meant to be together.”

Things like screws, nails, sheets of various types of wood, vinyl, metal, plastic, rubber, tape and a couple of other “secret” ingredients that I still haven’t figured out. 

Once you start assembling all these materials, there’s no going back (to the hardware store to return the items that you really wish you hadn’t purchased in the first place.) So, you may just as well push forward until you get it right and make the thing work.

Once you do figure it out and complete section number one of the puzzle, the rest is actually pretty simple and the three hours you spent building section one gradually becomes about twenty minutes for the rest of the project.

And the best part is seeing the fruits of your labor for the first time… 

Now time for something amazing… 

The next time somebody says “crickets”, you may have a different perspective…

This is something you have to listen to. In 1992 Jim Wilson got the idea to slow down a recording of chirping crickets. The revealed sound simply was called “Gods cricket chorus”. The hidden beauty of nature is astonishing, and we are all part of it! Maybe a reason to think again before squashing an insect too 🙂

Sorry, no goofiness in this post…

But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you any more…

BK

Can somebody please explain to me how you milk an almond?

I almost got a haircut today. Really – I did. Almost. 

I really need a haircut. Badly. And I actually asked for and received $20.00 cash back at the grocery store specifically for the purpose of obtaining one. Not only that, but the barber shop is located in the same shopping center as the grocery store. Only about 250 feet away, in fact. 

I even told my wife that I was going to get my haircut today. And a couple of friends, too.

I really wanted to, but I didn’t. 

So why didn’t I?

Well, the macro explanation is that I pride myself on being frugal (read that, “cheap”.)

The micro explanation, as one would expect, is a bit more explanatory.  

Week after next, 75% of our children are showing up at our house from, literally, hundreds and thousands of miles away in different directions around the country. This, in and of itself, would normally neither cause me to visit or not visit the hairdresser, however, this particular visit is for the purpose of filming scenes in our movie project. 

My hair needs to look more like this…

IMG_5240.jpeg

…And less like this…

The issue is not that my hair needs to look like it does in every other scene in the film (although it does) and in order for that to happen, I have to get it cut. And the issue is not that if I get it cut this week I will probably have to have it cut again next week, too. The issue is not that if I get it cut this week it will cost me $20.00, or if I get it cut next week it will cost me $20.00. 

The issue is that if I get it cut this week and I get it cut next week, it will cost me $40.00. 

Hence, no haircut today, but a haircut next week. 

Because I am frugal. 

Or cheap.

Hello, Gentle Reader(s?),

I have decided that it’s time to break with my past (almost) tradition of (usually) waiting to create a new category for this blog until I have written more than one post fitting the category that does not yet exist. 

You may be wondering why I feel compelled to do so at this time.

It’s because yesterday was Tuesday and the day before that was Monday. This, naturally, leads to the conclusion that today is Wednesday. 

Let me explain further…

As some of you know, I am involved in the making of a motion picture. It has been in production for nearly four (4) years. Over that time, I have gained some weight and, while I am still quite handsome, my appearance may have shifted just the slightest little bit. By about 25 (twenty-five) pounds, actually. (I can still get into my costumes and regular street clothes and have not been forced into upsizing my pants, etc., though, if you look really closely, a slight “muffin” effect has become somewhat evident.)

As part of an overall effort to make the “muffin” retreat, I have been weighing myself on, pretty much, a daily basis. 

I have, over the years, developed my own “weigh-in” strategy which has proven effective for me. It goes like this:

  1. Get up in the morning
  2. Go into the bathroom
  3. Sit on the chair with the hole in the seat
  4. Accomplish the required activity
  5. Dawn my original birthday suit
  6. Using available nostril-evacuation procedures and the materials required to do so, remove any and all loose or pliable objects and/or substances from as much of my nasal cavities as I can access
  7. Using approved earwax-expulsion procedures and materials, make any unwanted earwax buildup go away
  8. Exhale and hold my breath for as long as I am on the scale
  9. Once all the above weight adding materials have been expelled, stand on the scale and adjust my posture (shift my weight) in an effort to find the lightest possible reading on the digital display (literally) at my feet

In the past, these techniques have served me well. This week, however, something has changed. And not in an acceptable manner. 

On Monday, I weighed myself. Weight was several pounds more than I had anticipated. I was not happy.

On Tuesday, I weighed myself. Weight was 2.5 pounds less than on Monday. Still not acceptable, but going in the right direction. I was not as “not happy” as I was on Monday.

Today, Wednesday, I weighed myself. Weight was 2.5 pounds more than on Tuesday. Definitely not acceptable and going back in the wrong direction. 

After about a minute of considering my options, I went over to the sink, turned on the water and expectorated into the downspout. Then I went back to the so-called “scale”, exhaled, held my breath, grabbed onto a towel rack, adjusted my stance, looked down between my feet and beheld what I consider to be a minor miracle – I was now 1.5 pounds lighter than I was 90 (ninety) seconds prior to the current weigh-in effort. 

It still wasn’t back to where it was when I wasn’t “not happy” as I was on Monday, but it was better than when I wasn’t happy just before I spit. 

For this reason, I have come to the conclusion that my bathroom scale is laughing at me. It intentionally moves around and mocks me as I attempt to ascertain an accurate measurement of my own personal tonnage.

It goes out of its way to make me think I’m fat. 

My bathroom scale is not my friend.

This has caused me to consider the possibility that I am not the only one; that, indeed, there may be others – maybe even dozens of them – who are unsuspecting victims of cruel bathroom scales. Scales which lie, silently, in wait for the next opportunity to jeopardize the self-image of the one person who relies on its personal integrity to provide accurate information regarding that person’s body fat content.  

So, if there is anyone else out there who suspects that they are being tricked in this manner, I propose the following statement of intent:

Please raise your right hand and repeat after me:

I, (insert your name here), do solemnly declare that my bathroom scale is not my friend, that I cannot and will not trust any and all information it chooses to make known to me; and that, hereafter, I cannot and will not avail myself of its purported “services” with regard to the accurate measurement of my personal body weight. 

Furthermore, I declare that, from this day forward, I will do all in my power to avoid any and all contact with said scale. I will not touch it, I will not stare at it, look at it or even glance in its direction. I will not refer to it in any conversation with any person or animal, be they family, friend, foe or pet. 

I will not address it, either directly or indirectly, in any manner, as I go about preparing myself for my own daily activities. I will not think of it in quiet moments or in the rush of the day. I will not dream about it in my sleep. 

Finally, if I somehow accidentally find myself actually standing upon it, glaring at the numbers baring themselves in its display, whether analog or digital or listen to any verbal report eminating from it, I will immediately avert my gaze or plug my ears, as required by the manner in which the thing attempts to inform me that I need to eat less and exercise more. 

Amen.

BK