Shopping done. 

Groceries loaded.

Seatbelts fastened.

Ignition on. 

Spaces in front of me empty.

Next row clear.

Gearshift in drive.

Pulling forward. 

Turning right.

Judy: “You’re going the wrong way.”

Me: “I’m going the wrong way?”

Judy: “Oh! No, you are going the right way. I said the wrong thing.”

Me: “You did.”

Judy:

Me: “You owe me an apology.”

Judy: “I’m sorry.”

Me: “You’re welcome.”

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Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger’s leg and listen very closely you can hear them say, “What the heck are you doing?”?

Hello there, Coffee Moron, here…

 

If you have ever wondered where coffee comes from, here’s a video which will give you an idea. (I chose this video because my beloved daughter does a lot of the ‘splainin’ in here…)

Take it away, Jennifer!

Kevin Ross: In Search of the Perfect Brew

That feeling you get when…

  1. It’s 3:15 in the morning
  2. You took Exlax the night before
  3. You are properly situated for, and progressing nicely in, the event
  4. You turn your head to the left and
  5. This is what you see…

 

 

 

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The Hawaiian Islands are actually drifting a couple of inches toward Japan each year. If the Japanese had been patient for a few million years, we might have avoided WWII.

BK

Thanks for tuning in

Hello again, gentle reader(s?),

Yes, it is time, once again, to explore the essential habits required for the successful living of life in the kitchen. And before I begin, you owe me your undying gratitude. That’s because I have already made this mistake so you don’t have to. 

As you know, I like to include a touch of Metamucil in my recipes (a fine example of which you may review here), as well as Carnation Instant Breakfast (no sugar added), my main (only) culinary ingredient.

Our lesson, today, is all about learning to pay attention to what it is that you are mixing in with Carnation Instant Breakfast (no sugar added)) and what may happen if you don’t.

As you can see in the professional looking photo below, there can be multiple containers which look substantially alike – especially if it is early in the morning and you have not yet had your coffee and the only light that is lit is the night-light on the other side of the kitchen…

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***Hint: Do not attempt to add anything to anything you are preparing to eat when those conditions exist.

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Gentle hint: Goldfish food doesn’t taste the same as Metamucil when mixed with Carnation Instant Breakfast (no sugar added). 

Inspired by my dear Friend, Clyde Farnsworth – Thank you, Clyde, for opening the door. I feel obligated to go through…

It’s hard for me to believe that this time next month I will be fairly well beyond twelve years old. But I will also be fairly well not quite approaching three hundred and sixty-eight years old, so I suppose that I can take comfort in my relative youth. 

As I approach my “adult” years, I find that many of my friends are, shall I say, more mature than I. Many of them are at about equal to my own level of “maturity”. And there are a couple who are lagging behind the number of my own accumulated annual celebrations. 

I have also noted, with some trepidation, that some of the same guys are beginning to be referred to as “Geezers”. 

I was first enlightened to this by my aforementioned neighbor and friend, Clyde. (Please see the above grateful attribution.)

Clyde started referring to himself as a geezer in his annual “Christmas Letter” (email) recently. He also included some of the symptoms evident in men who have achieved that level of sophistication (geezerhood)…

One of the things of which I have (through observation) recently become aware is the propensity to absentmindedness in some of the more mature (older) members of my circle of companions in this adventure called “Life”.

Imagine my surprise when I figured out that I had recently displayed (without even trying) my own abilities in this area.

This, along with Clyde’s motivating Christmas email, has inspired me to find a way to help actual geezers believe that I can still be associated with them on a friendship basis, even though I am only fairly well beyond twelve years old. 

Hence, to that end, I have decided to open up to them in an effort to gain their respect, trust and acceptance…

Dear Geezers,

It seems that hanging around you has caused me to geez a bit myself.

Geez #1) Yesterday, Judy and I pulled into a parking place at the church. I got out of the car, locked the doors and started walking up to the front doors. Meanwhile, I noticed that Judy was not beside me – she was standing ten feet behind me, staring.

At me.

I asked her what was wrong and she said, “you do know that you left the car running, don’t you?”.

Needless to say, I was surprised. Fortunately, she had her keys and unlocked the car so I could get in and turn off the engine.

I promised to be more careful…

Geez #2) After church, we went out to breakfast at Katie’s Country Kitchen. After parking, I got out of the car, locked the doors and started walking up to the entry door.

Meanwhile, I noticed that Judy was not beside me – she was standing ten feet behind me, staring.

At me.

I asked her what was wrong and she said, “you do know that you left the car running, don’t you?”.

Needless to say, I was surprised. Fortunately, she had her keys and unlocked the car so I could get in and turn off the engine.

I promised to be more careful…

Repeat as needed…

Love,

Bill

Facial Expressions

October 20, 2018

One of the most important things an actor can do is to get the right facial expression to fit the storyline, character and director’s demands with the most important part being the director’s requirements. It’ especially tough when your youngest son is directing.

Steve is a tough and demanding director. I just can’t seem to get my facial expression right in this shot.

A few years ago, Judy and I were driving home on Hwy. 41 when I noticed a tarantula on the upper corner passenger side of the window of the car. Judy rolled the window down to try to get rid of it and it got sucked into the car.

I continued driving and she was trying to see where it went, but couldn’t find it, so we thought it had blown off, outside the car.

A few minutes later, I felt something crawling up my leg under my jeans, and looked down – there was a lump moving up the inside of my pants leg…

Yep – it was the tarantula inside my pants. I quickly pulled over at the first opportunity, got out, ran to the other side of the car and jumped up and down while un-doing my pants until the thing (the tarantula, I mean) fell out onto the ground.

It really freaked Judy out and I wasn’t too happy about it, either. But it was super hilarious after it was over.

She doesn’t open the window to shake bugs off the car anymore…

Her name was Cathy…  She lived just down the street from me, and we were in several classes together in the sixth grade.  She was smart and I was – me.  We didn’t talk much, but we had been neighbors and classmates since the fourth grade, and I thought she was kind of cute – she had blonde hair, a pageboy haircut, blue eyes behind, and framed by, some sort of tortoise shell looking glasses with fairly thick lenses.  Though I didn’t quite understand why, I really liked her and wanted to get to know her better. 

During class one day, we were instructed to form teams of two for some assignment or other.  I was about to team up with one of my buddies when I felt a tap on my shoulder.  I turned around and almost swallowed my tongue – there was Cathy – standing before me and looking all cute…

Our eyes locked, and for a short eternity, I was completely lost to all that was happening around me…  My universe had suddenly contracted to the exact space in which Cathy and I were standing… There were no stars, no planets, no moons, no sky, no sea, no people… There were only her eyes, and I was immersed in those two pools of blue – It truly was one of those incredibly rare moments in life when time becomes completely frozen in its temporal tracks.  And then she spoke… To ME…

She said “Billy, will you be my partner?” 

My heart joined my tongue, stuck in my throat… I didn’t know what to say… I – I stammered, searching for words, just – just the right words… What were the words I needed at this exact moment???  Where were they? The words that would be etched in her mind for all time as the most perfect, the most wonderful, the most – the most – the most – perfect statement that anyone could ever deliver at this, the most perfect moment in my life, so far??

Search as I might, the words wouldn’t come… So, rather than say something imperfect, I did the next worst thing… Simply stated, I farted.  It wasn’t of the great bull moose variety, mind you (I doubt it was heard in the principal’s office), but it was loud enough…  I had heard it, she had heard it, she knew that I had heard it, I knew that she had heard it. And, worst of all, we each knew that the other knew that we had each heard it…

This, of course, broke the spell…  She must have assumed that my flatulence was just my way of saying “No,” because she just turned away and found another partner.  

It is still, today, the most humiliating moment of my life.  And it’s also one of my great disappointments.  My one chance with the girl of my dreams, gone in an audible puff of methane.

Fortunately, it was not long after this that my dad was transferred to Ventura…

(From Chapter 7 of my bio. But I thought it would be a good addition to the category…)

** ” How could something so simple be so hard?”

Here, another great lesson in life was revealed to me:  The words “Simple” and “Easy” are not synonyms.  I don’t even think the actual definitions share any letters in common.  I wanted them to be the same, but the best I could do was to make up my own definition of each…  After much contemplation, I decided that:

  • The concept of Simplicity is conceptual
  • The concept of Easiness is procedural

For instance:

  • The concept of a G, C , D chord progression is simple, not confusing.
  • The process of putting them together on the fret board of a guitar for the first time is hard, not easy.

So that (applying the Bill Kammerer “’swapping the order’ law of equality” to the second statement):

  • Simple = Not Confusing
  • Easy = Not Hard

By doing this, I was at least able to come up with definitions that shared a common word: 

“Not.”

The only thing that I could determine about the mutual sameness of the two concepts is that they are “NOT” the same.

Therefore:  Simple ≠ Easy

 

“…Yeah, I know… Me, too…  I was practically dumbstruck… nearly completely without words.  And the only words I could think of at that precise moment was a two-part phrase beginning with the word “holy” that had actually gotten my mouth washed out with soap a few years earlier… 

“With that event still fresh in my memory, I decided that silence is the better part of swearing, so, silent I remained…” – The Very William H. Kammerer, Jr, Esq. (not)

A couple of days ago I did something that I almost never do. I did one of those copy and paste things on Facebook.

Unfortunately, this has lead to the exposition of at least one of my life’s most closely guarded secrets. Things I have been afraid to reveal for reasons that – well, read below…

 

 

 

As you can see, I got a few responses from friends and relatives around the country, mostly adhering to the ‘one word’ part of the project, and those that added more didn’t do too badly.

And then this showed up…

I was, to say the least, surprised. Here’s why…

Dear Tom, I love you, man. I have always loved you. I will always love you. But now you have revealed, for all of the world to see, my most closely held secret, and it hurts.

I have never spoken of my heroic deeds within the space program. I have always painted myself as your normal, every day (albeit abnormally handsome) all American guy. I had hoped to have people love me for my “ordinariness” – never suspecting my extraordinary accomplishments on Earth, in space and under the sea.

I wished that my self-sacrificing actions in singlehandedly saving the world from complete and utter destruction at the hands of an, (thus far, known only to the three of us) enemy might stay hidden in the dark recesses of our memories.

But now you have exposed a small hint of my true greatness, and I fear that people will look at me differently… Not loving me for who I pretend to be, but for who I truly am.

Sadly, I will now have to practice making my signature semi-legible for all of the autograph seekers about to invade my space. And then there are the Paparazzi – who knows what to expect from them…

I could request that everybody who reads your description of how we first met take it as a brilliant and successful attempt at humor, however, by the time they get to the end of your post, they will have realized that “there was always something ‘different’ about” me and that your report can only be taken seriously and not as a humorous joke meant to elicit laughter.

As I said in the beginning, I still love you, man…

PS – Your family and friends should know about your own heroics, Tom. Have you told them about the “volcanic surface of Jupiter” incident? I didn’t think so…

Update:

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Alarm goes off…

Judy turns off the alarm, yawns, turns to me and says: “The ‘Room Sensitivity Index’ is required in order to calculate the ‘Furniture Pain Score’.”

I respond: “Good morning.”

Obviously, she understands math better than I do.

Upon waking in the morning, I imagine that most happy wives might greet their husbands with the words “Good morning,” or “Did you sleep well,” or “I love you” or something else heartwarming…

Judy is special…

Alarm rings, Judy turns it off and turns to me…

Judy:  “I have some sad news about my purse.”

Me, yawning and stretching:  “Do you need another new purse?”

J:  “Not anymore.”