How To Utilize Shakespeareian Insults

January 24, 2017

You know how, sometimes, you want to succinctly express your feelings to someone in such a way as to let them know exactly what you think of them? And you want to do it without using any really bad words? And you can’t think of any way to do it without using any of the really bad words you really want to use but would feel really badly about it if you did? And so you just don’t say anything at all?

You Stifle yourself for the sake of propriety. 

On the one hand, this is a very good thing to do – it shows maturity and self control when, in many cases, you may be justified in letting the other guy verbally have it; but because you are a really nice person, you just bite your tongue and keep your thoughts to yourself. 

Is that not just about the most frustrating thing in the world?

Well take heart, my good person, because I have stumbled upon a way to inform anyone who irritates you exactly what you think of them without the use of any really bad words at all! 

Yes, that’s right! You can exercise your right to insult the _____ing _____y ______e who has just proven him/herself to be exactly what you don’t want to say and do it in such a way that you can say it without any self recrimination or fear of getting your mouth washed out with Lifebuoy. 

Imagine a situation where someone has just demonstrated themselves to be exactly what you don’t want to say, but you are able to say something even better.

For example, instead of calling them a _____ing _____y ______e, you can say,

“Thou gorebellied pottle-deep canker-blossom!”

or

“Thou clouted milk-livered malt-worm!”.

You can even go as far as saying

“Thou beslubbering tardy-gated skainsmate!”

without having to go to confession because of the really bad words that you didn’t use! And, at the same time, you can demonstrate that you actually are quite the cultured individual because you can sound “Shakespeare”-ish.

“So how do I do this,” you ask? It’s easy! Simply look at the chart below and follow the instructions and in no time at all you’ll be insulting everyone from your boss to your doctor; from your spouse to your daughter’s boyfriend; from your used car salesman to your grocery clerk, all while impressing them with your knowledge of  The Barb!

No need to thank me. I didn’t come up with this, but I really wish that I had.

shakespear-insult-kit

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