Alternative Cuss Words

April 11, 2018

Remember when I introduced you to Shakespearian Insults? Well, now you have a chance to learn how to cuss without getting your mouth washed out with soap. (Hmmm… It seems that nowadays, that’s not a punishment, but some sort of competition.)

No longer do you have to resort to disgustingly bad language when you need to express frustration, anger, surprise, shock or simply the need to feel like a real “grownup”. 

I have to give credit to my beautiful niece, Stephany, for providing this list to me. (Although, truth be told, I learned most of these in the Navy.)

alternative cuss words.jpg


Yes, It’s True…

March 28, 2018

Yes, it’s true. I have always been this handsome.

born handsome.jpg

And humble.

There Are Times…

March 15, 2018

There are times when, I must admit, I wish I could bring myself to not like somebody. I don’t think it’s in me do dislike someone – anyone. No matter what, I can always find something to like about anybody.

I may get frustrated with a person. I may be grumpy if I haven’t had nearly enough sleep. I may disagree with someone. I may actually even get peeved with someone.

But am always able to overcome those feelings in fairly short order. 


I’m not sure that’s healthy for me.

Every now and then something comes along that is so utterly good, so perfectly devious, so extremely clever, but would require that I dislike someone, which renders it so totally useless that it may cause the frustration I feel to raise my blood pressure. 

This is one of those cases…


Such A Strong Word

February 6, 2018

I was going to say that there are days when I hate my computer, but “hate” is such a strong word. “Revile, loath, abhor and detest should cover it, though.

Posted via my LG V20…


Some people have no sense of humor. 

Or click here to go back to the beginning…


Once I was (relatively) forgiven for my (wildly funny) joke, things calmed down a bit. I was semi-permanently installed in that part of the emergency room for several more hours until around midnight.

After my residency there was completed, they found me a bed in a room up on the fourth (4th) floor and moved me there without much fanfare. 

I think that I will stop typing and just let my hospital bed Facebook updates take over. These were done on my phone, and I was a bit groggy at the time(s), so pay no attention to the spelling errors…

Saturday morning before the visit to urgent care…

Bill Kammerer

July 23, 2011 ·

Another night at the bar with my new friend Ralph. Closed the place down again.. Say “hello”, Ralph…

From the hospital…
Bill Kammerer
July 23, 2011 ·
 Last Friday I climbed Half Dome.. Ever since then, I’ve considered it more of an accomplishment to be able to get my head higher than the toilet seat… Amazing how one’s perspective can change so quickly..
Bill Kammerer

July 24, 2011

Going to be in the hospital for a few days. Maybe a week.

Bill Kammerer
July 24, 2011 ·

Happy aniversary Judy!


Bill Kammerer

July 25, 2011

Feeling very handsome this morning.


Bill Kammerer

July 25, 2011

Cream of rice cerial. And I’m trying to figure out if this other dish is French toast, potatoes, fish or bread. When you haven’t been able to eat much in 11days it doesn’t matter. Except maybe for fish, of course…

Bill Kammerer

July 25, 2011

Just so there is no misunderstanding in the future, if anybody wants to invite me to join in on any Half Dome hikes, I’m pretty sure I have to wash my hair that day.


Bill Kammerer

July 26, 2011

Jackpot!!! For only the first time since I’ve on the hospital, mine and my room mate’s jnfusion alarms went off and the life-flight helicopter landed at a time perfectly coinciding with the moment of the first instant I have fallen asleep since I have been here..


Bill Kammerer

July 27, 2011

So, where’s all this ice cream?


Bill Kammerer

July 27, 2011

AS difficult as it is to believe, I feel even more handsome this morning. And I have the breath to go with it..


Bill Kammerer

July 28, 2011

Numbers back in the wrong direction. Boo. I wonder if I can get that changed to some sort of Alpha system.


Bill Kammerer

July 28, 2011

Hospital food. I’ts what’s for dinner. And breakfast. And kinch.

after two weeks of hospital food

Hospital food…

Bill Kammerer

July 28, 2011

two weeks ago right now we were getting ready to head out to the top of Half Dome. I had dropped 19 pounds in the 6 weeks leading up to it. Since last Saturday, in the hospital, I have gained 32 pounds based on fluid intake.

I have gone from Han Solo to Jaba The Hut in 5 days.

Don’t mess with the hut…


Bill Kammerer

July 29, 2011

Steve to me in the ER last week: “…dad, you can have my kidneys”… I have never been so humbled in my life…


Bill Kammerer

July 29, 2011

Good Lord… I have Hobbit feet…

hobbit feet in the hospital.jpg


Bill Kammerer

July 30, 2011

starting dialysis early tomorrow morning. numbers aren’t coming down very well, so we’re going to force them down. Hopefully, dialysis will be only a temporary thing (if the kidneys decide to kick in, that should be the case). Bridges to be crossed when we get to them.


Bill Kammerer

July 30, 2011

going for a ride to X-Ray.. Wwwweeeeeeeeeeeeee…


Bill Kammerer

July 31, 2011

Time to roll the dice. My spit has the consistancy of uses chewing gum. And it’s lost it’s flavor in the bed pan overnight… There’s a song in there somewhere…

Bill Kammerer

August 1, 2011

Hi All, I’m mosltly restricted to my Droid (with the ocassional foray onto my laptop when I can reach it) so it’s a bit difficult to keep up with you all. If you don’t hear from me personally very often, it’s not because I don’t love you any more.. 🙂 Just hard to navigate and type. Getting ready for another round of dialysis.


Bill Kammerer

August 2, 2011

I am reminded that God draws straight with crooked lines…


Bill Kammerer

August 3, 2011

Wow… Dialysis canceled for tomorrow….

Bill Kammerer

August 4, 2011  

This has been a life changing experience…

life changing experience.jpg


Bill Kammerer

August 5, 2011  

I get to go home today!!!!!!!!!!!

Bill Kammerer

August 5, 2011

5:00 Launch..


Bill Kammerer

August 5, 2011

Just got home. Time to sleep. For about a week.


Bill Kammerer

August 6, 2011

In the hospital, I went through 6 room mates. At home, I have a toilet seat I can trust…


Bill Kammerer

August 11, 2011

Quick health update: I can walk, eat, carry light objects, sleep and pee. I prefer not to do them all at the same time, though…



For anybody who is interested, Judy actually provided more informative notes…

Bill Kammerer published a note.
July 25, 2011 ·
Inspirational Message from Bill Kammerer

Hello Bill’s Facebook Friends!


This is Judy, Bill’s wife.  He wants me to convey a story to you about a man named Ted.  Bill & Ted have been the best of friends for the past 30 years.  Throughout that time, Bill has looked at Ted’s example when it comes to facing hard times.  For instance, for many years Ted has fought and won on multiple occasions battles with leukemia.  During those times, Ted has somehow miraculously provided daily and sometimes multiple times per day up-to-the-second detailed information chronicling his struggles, small setbacks, great successes, channeling the qualities of strength, fortitude and greatness missing so evidently in today’s society.  And through it all, Teddy somehow incredibly maintained an unbiased approach in his daily reports.  Bill has decided that Ted has provided a very high bar to reach for.  However, because of Ted’s strength and courage, Bill has decided to attempt to follow his example as closely as possible, utilizing as much eloquence, objectivity, and attention to detail as so successfully employed by Ted.  With that in mind, here is his first dispatch (verbatim):


Entry #1, day #1:  Bill:  “I am sick.  I will get back with you.”


Entry #2, day #1 (about 1 hour after entry #1):  Bill:  “Refer to previous entry.” 


Entry #3, day #1 (about 1/2 hour after entry #2):  Bill:  “Refer to” … at which point Judy had no choice but to interrupt with: “I can’t take this, Bill!  You need to give a tad more information so your friends will have some kind of idea what is going on.  Let me take care of this.”  Bill smiles as he goes back to checking his email.  (Now that I’m actually entering this into his Facebook account, I’m getting a sneaking suspicion he planned all this.)


Judy provides some details:

1.  Bill hiked from the valley floor up to the top of Half Dome, 7/15,  … 6-1/2 hours

2.  After a short time at the top, Bill hiked back down Half Dome to the valley floor, 7/15 … 11-1/2 hours

                [Side note:  Don’t go for a long hike without proper fitting shoes for both up and down slopes.]

3.  Total time of exertional muscle stress … 18 hours

4.  Subsequent nausea, flank pain, can’t “make water” (remember, Bill’s not writing this)

5.  Urgent Care visit #1, 7/20 (Oakhurst)

6.  Abdominal x-ray & urinalysis … probable kidney infection … antibiotics started

7.  Constant nausea, vomiting starts, abdominal pain

8.  Urgent Care visit #2, 7/23 (Oakhurst), 10am

9.  Blood tests: 

                potassium:             6.1       (normal 3.5 – 5.3 mmol/L)

                BUN:                     168       (normal 7 – 25 mg/dL)

                creatinine:          19.02       (normal 0.76 – 1.46 mg/dL)

                eGFR                     <4         (normal >60 mL/min/1.73m2)

                [“All results verified by repeat analysis”]

10. Doctor: “Your numbers don’t match how you look” (as Bill flashes his brave smile)

11. Doctor: “You are in renal failure and we’re sending you to the hospital in Fresno by ambulance”

12. Community Regional Medical Center’s ER … all night … CT scan, ultrasound, blood tests

13. Doctors, nurses, Foley catheter insertion (Bill:  “COWABUNGAHHHHHHHHH!!*$#@!”)

14. Constant IV hydration with normal saline, multiple doses of Kayexalate (Bill:  “sh_t”)

15. Midnight admission to room 454B

16. Admission diagnoses that I remember:  Acute renal failure, uricemia, hyperkalemia, hypertension


Hello Bill’s Facebook friends … it’s been a week, so time for an update.  Being a hospital patient involves a lot of fading in and out of oblivion (eyes shut, snore, eyes flutter open, “oh hi,” half smile, a few drowsy words, eyes shut, repeat process) so I’m taking it upon myself to throw out a few bits of information . . .

1. Creatinine should be around 1.0 … was 19 in urgent care 7/23 and has sloooooooooowly come down (17, 16, 15, 14) to 13.8 yesterday.

2. BUN should be less than 25 … was 168 in urgent care 7/23 and has slooooooooooowly come down (145, 135) to 130 yesterday.

3. GFR should be greater than 60 … was 4 in urgent care 7/23 and actually was worse at 3 yesterday.

4. The nephrologist spoke with us at 7 pm last night and said that after a week of pushing normal saline IV and drinking clear fluids, the numbers aren’t anywhere near where they should be.  And actually Bill started “third spacing” the previous hour, where the fluids were escaping into his skin.  The nurses have a difficult time finding a vein to keep open for IV’s since his veins have closed up at the usual places and he’s very edematous (retaining fluid all over) which results in a lot of weight gain which is hard on the heart.  They’ve been giving him blood pressure medicine, but his BP remains high at around 160/95.

5. He’s having a tough time with his medications that include a shot of heparin in the stomach every 8 hours, which causes nausea and dry heaves soon after.  But the heparin is a necessary prophylaxis to prevent blood clots in the tube/catheter.  He’s getting Zofran for the nausea.  Hopefully his body will get used to the meds soon so he won’t need that.

6. So last night the nephrologist said she wanted to start dialysis in the morning, do it for 3 days in a row, then do a kidney biopsy Tuesday or Wednesday.  Bill agreed and a dialysis nurse spoke with us at 9:30 pm last night.  He explained the process pretty thoroughly along with possible scenarios.

7.  Bill was taken to Interventional Radiology at 9:45 am this morning (Sunday) and he said the team of doctor/nurse/technicians was really great and they gave him meds to be drowsy and forget what happened.  He now has a Perm Cath below his right shoulder with 2 tubes sticking out that are attached to the dialysis machine during the 3-4 hour dialysis procedure.

8.  Bill was taken to the dialysis room on the 10th floor where they started his first dialysis at 1pm.  Since Sundays are more relaxed, they let me accompany him and stand by the bed.  I helped him with his hot chocolate and fruit as the machine whirled and beeped and whooshed away.  One tube takes the blood out of his body and circulates it into a membrane tube that serves as an artificial kidney, taking the waste toxins out, and sending the cleaned blood through another tube back into his body.  He said he didn’t really feel anything.  They set it to also reduce the fluid he is retaining by 2 liters.  His only side effect when they were done (after 3 hours) was a bad headache which decreased after he got back to his room.

9.  His kidney function numbers and weight should decrease by the time he’s discharged on Wednesday or Thursday … whenever they can set up outpatient dialysis at a center in Fresno 3 days a week for hopefully a very short time.

10. Right now we don’t know what caused all this.  The hike appears to have triggered things.  The doctors know Bill lost just under 20 pounds over the 2 months leading up to it.  They know he drank 6 liters of water during the hike, which wasn’t hot until the downhill portion (it started off as a midnight hike).  He had no previous indication of kidney disease.  The doctors know he was in the hospital in 8th grade for what was probably a kidney infection.  The nephrologist believes there is a chronic component since it takes much longer than 1 week for a creatinine to climb to 19 and reflect renal failure.  We’re hoping the kidney biopsy will provide a more clear diagnosis.  It will be sent to a kidney pathologist at UCLA and take 1-2 weeks to get the results back.

Bill and I thank you for all your prayers, good wishes, and friendship.  It makes things quite bearable.  ~ Judy


Bill’s nephrologist came by with a smile on his face yesterday, happy to report that his kidney function numbers are vastly improved!  Creatinine was 12.3 on Sunday (after a week of IV fluid resuscitation and prior to first dialysis), 5.6 on Monday, 4.4 on Tuesday, and 4.8 today (staying down after being off dialysis 2 days).  BUN was 119 on Sunday, 43 on Monday, 35 on Tuesday, and 36 today.

On Monday, the plan was for a day of rest on Wednesday, then dialysis in the hospital Thursday, followed by temporary dialysis as an outpatient until the kidney biopsy results come back and the numbers show his kidney function is stable.  But on Wednesday, they decided to cancel the Thursday dialysis and discontinue the 3200 mg of RenaGel 3x day (4 pills with each meal, which according to Bill are the size of submarines).  I’m not sure which Bill was more excited about, but I think it was discontinuing the pills.  And today … (drum roll please) … the nephrologist cancelled the order for outpatient dialysis altogether since it’s clear his kidney function is returning.  The hospitalist will be the one to decide whether he gets his Perm Cath removed by Interventional Radiology before discharge or wait until after the biopsy report comes back.

We’re not sure when he will be discharged, but it sounds like it should be tomorrow or the weekend.  He’ll probably spend a couple days asleep since he’s very pooped after 2 weeks of sleep deprivation.

Bill’s main worry during this ordeal was the possibility of starving to death.  He speaks highly of his hospital care, but doesn’t have anything positive to say about the food.  I think my most important role was to bring him hot chocolate several times a day.

Thank you for being great friends and family, and for your prayers and good wishes.  It’s definitely time to rejoice!  ~ Judy


One year later…


One year ago today, I had an ambulance ride to Community Medical Center where I was checked in and connected to tubes, hoses, leads and this tree thing that held bags full of liquids. When I got there, people were amazed that I was alive, though they didn’t tell me that at the time.

One year ago tomorrow, Judy and I celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary in the hospital, along with our kids and their spouses and girlfriend.

Today I ordered a huge cake. Tomorrow Judy and I will celebrate our 41st anniversary by bringing that cake to the doctors, nurses and staff at the nurse’s station outside the door to the room where I lived for two weeks..

Thank you, God, for those nurses doctors and staff.



Thought it was time for another music video to help you smile… 🙂


Coffee is just about the most ubiquitous liquid currently found in the solar system. I used to think that it was the Pacific Ocean, however, I now know that sea water runs a semi-distant second to coffee. It’s everywhere. That’s because it reproduces itself.

And almost everybody drinks it. You (very nearly) cannot visit a friend, neighbor, lawyer or hated enemy without hearing the words, “Would you care for a cup of coffee?” immediately after hearing the words, “Have a seat and take a load off.” (In the case of the lawyer, the script changes somewhat to “Please sign here. Have a seat and take a load off. Please sign this disclaimer. Would you care for a cup of coffee?”)

Coffee takes on an almost uncountable number of forms. It mixes with almost anything you can fit into your cup, whether it be liquid, solid or gas. Anything. (There is some question as to whether Metamucil is compatible with coffee, but I have yet to determine that with one hundred percent confidence.)

Aside from being unable to avoid the immediate availability of coffee in stores of all types, restaurants, cruise ships, airplanes, motorhomes, law offices, medical facilities, churches, sewage treatment plants, schools, gas stations, theatres, business offices, cemeteries, prisons, public restrooms and even a small number of public libraries, most people have at least two or three coffee pots in their homes. 

Judy and I are no different. We have always had them in our home. I think we currently have two, but I’m not certain that there aren’t more in storage somewhere on the homestead. We even have a reasonably equipped  “coffee station”:


We keep the actual coffee in the refrigerator.

We also have a wide variety of coffee cups, mugs and Thermoses to make it easier to consume it, and paper towels with which to clean it up when there is an accident.

Where coffee is concerned, we are just like any other household with one minor exception.

Judy and I don’t actually drink coffee. 

Yes, you read that right. Judy and I are not coffee drinkers. What’s worse is that we don’t even know how to make coffee – seriously.

So why do we have all of this stuff? 

Well, we have offspring who visit on occasion, and seventy-five percent of them do drink coffee. (The other twenty-five percent settle for beer.) They all know how to use it and, being accommodating parents, we keep it around for them.

Until last night…

I read, last night, that Gary Larson (creator of “The Far Side” and my American literary hero) was once asked how he came up with ideas for his cartoon. His answer was the he would down a few cups of coffee before starting to work on a cartoon. 

This gave me an idea – I got up and headed to the “coffee center” in the kitchen. While on my way, I called for Judy and asked her to show me how to make coffee. 

It was only then that I found out that she didn’t know how to make coffee, either. We cooperated and worked on the problem together for about twenty minutes – she reading instructions, and me putting them into action. 

Then this ensued…








I tested a fifty gallon drum of my first brew of coffee.

At about 2:30 this morning, it dawned on me that I probably should have done this a lot earlier in the day…


*** If you would like to find out about some of the many different makes and models of coffee, as well as a few of the most popular additive combinations, you can click here to go to Wikipedia and marvel at (what I am certain is a small portion of) the multitudinous array of caffeine sleep inhibitors available on the Earth today.  


January 23, 2018


Christmas shopping done!!!

Yes, once again, I have completed my Christmas shopping weeks before the blessed event takes place!

Message to giftees:

  • There are 15 people on my shopping list
  • There are 19 gifts bought and paid for
  • Each of you recipients pick one, in order of how much you love me, most to least
  • I get the leftovers


… I saved enough money to buy that boat I’ve had my eyes on!

Merry Christmas!

I Was Right, Today

November 8, 2017

I was right, today.

I don’t know how it happened, but it did and I don’t really know how to handle it because it’s never happened before. 

I think I’ll just bask in the afterglow of my rightness for awhile.

Judy says that’s OK because she is leaving for work now, but that I should be done before she gets home tonight. 



Mustard And Ketchup

November 7, 2017

I like mustard. Judy likes ketchup. I showed her this to bolster my position:

She sent me this:


Guitar Storage Evolution

October 26, 2017

Hello, Gentle Reader(s?),

One of the things that every guitar owner must take into consideration when he or she makes an investment into a new instrument is – “Where am I going to keep this thing?”

This is not as easy a question to answer as one might think. Especially if you have a wife in the house. You can’t just make room for it on her side of the bed and expect her to be OK with it (wives can be funny that way). And you also can’t just pop it into the refrigerator and hope she doesn’t notice.  

No, you have to be more imaginative than that. 

Fortunately, you have me to show you how to be more imaginative than that…

After you have decided to display the instrument (assuming you are going to display it, that is – but what good is it to have such a fine piece of art unless you are going to make it visible to anybody who walks into the room – or even into the immediate neighborhood?), one of the first considerations to, well, consider, is the dignity with which the instrument is displayed.

Here are some things to think about NOT doing:

  1. Never, under any circumstances, keep your guitar sitting on the back of the toilet. This is not a dignified storage method. You can keep it in a closet, just not a water closet.
  2. Refrain, if at all possible, from keeping it on top of your wife’s grand piano. While this is certainly a more dignified and public place to display the instrument, the resulting marks on the piano may lead to some animated discussion between spouses. 
  3. Don’t just leave it in a case somewhere. To do so completely negates the real reason for the acquisition in the first place – people will not think you are cool and groovy if they don’t see your guitar out in plane sight. That’s because they won’t know you have it. (Yes, it’s true. You don’t have to know how to play the instrument as long as company sees it and THINKS you can play it.)

Now, The best way I can think of to demonstrate the proper method(s) of displaying your guitar or collection of guitars is to show you what I have done over the years.

First attempt:

The Guitar Love Seat

Nice try, but brilliant failure.

While this presentation looks nice, and even comfortable, it was not a permanent solution. The issue was that I either had to 1) take them down when company came (removing the “You play the guitar? You are soo cool and groovy!” display factor) or 2) try to squeeze everybody onto the piano bench to visit.

Second Attempt:

The Original Guitar Wall:

This, actually, worked pretty well for awhile. The only real issue was the sparse population as evidenced by all of the extra space on either end of the line of instruments.

Third attempt:

The Guitar Wall – Fuller, Cooler and Groovier

While this rendition of the wall was certainly cooler and groovier, it still lacked a couple instruments because there wasn’t enough room to hang all of the available instruments… Of course, there was room on the adjacent wall for the snake, so it wasn’t all bad.*

Third attempt, part B:

The Guitar Wall and Floor

Even though they wouldn’t all fit on the wall, a small investment in guitar stands enabled the inclusion of two more instruments. I had completed the display of coolness and groovyness…

Third attempt, part C:

The Charred Guitar Wall

Unfortunately, Third attempt, part B didn’t endure the fire…

Third attempt, part C (cont’d):

The Empty Guitar Wall

This isn’t as cool and groovy as it was when there was an actual room around the wall and actual guitars available. But it DID lead to…

Fourth attempt:

The Guitar Driveway

Sadly, none of these instruments survived the fire. The firefighters, though, laid what was left alongside the driveway in a rather respectful manner…

Fifth attempt:

The First Replacement Guitar Wall

14 months later, most of the instruments had been replaced, the house had been replaced and the Guitar Wall had been replaced… All was good. For about five years…

Sixth attempt:

The Guitar Closet

When you move, you have to make adjustments…

Seventh attempt, fourteen months later (last week):

The Second Replacement Guitar Wall

When you have a guitar closet, it’s not cool or groovy because nobody can see the instruments. Especially you. When you can’t see the instruments, you don’t play them. When you don’t play them, you get rusty and your caps (calluses) go away. And when you pick one up, your fingers hurt. They might even bleed. You can’t leave the instruments in the closet…

Seventh attempt, part B:

The Guitar Wall and Floor

When you don’t have enough wall space, you go back to the floor…

*On a sad note, Monty (pet snake) did not survive the fire, either. I had hoped for a long and happy life for him and used to joke that I would turn him into a guitar strap when he passed. However, I couldn’t bring myself to do that when we found him and we buried him under a tree (see “Guitar Driveway” above), next to the driveway. Rest well, Monty. I really do miss you… 

Montgomery Pyth

I had a Senior Year once in high school. Now, I mostly have senior moments… – The Very William H. Kammerer, Jr. Esq. (not,)


I have been married to Judy for a little over forty-six years.  That’s 16,844.5 days. Rounded up from 23 hours and 56 minutes per day, that’s approximately 404,268 minutes. 24,256,080 seconds, give or take. (I would keep going but my calculator won’t allow me to compute nanoseconds.)

In all of that time, I may have heard Judy utter anything that resembles any sort of naughty word once. I say “may” because I must have done something to elicit some sort of swear word somewhere along the way…

It was another dark and snoozy night...

Tuesday, September 5, 2017, 3:30 AM

One hour ago, I was deeply asleep, dreaming about my new Ryobi model RY08420A Backpack Leaf Blower with the large 2 cycle, 42cc engine for excellent clearing power, with a unique air-flow orientation and angled air nozzles, a variable speed throttle and a cruise control setting to make quick work of the toughest of clearing jobs;  and with the shoulder and back harness designed for ultimate comfort, that features a contoured back and easy strap adjustments; when I was awakened by the sounds of 1) Murphy (the dog) panting and whining and 2) Judy saying…

Judy: “Bill, do something about the damn dog!”

Bill (Me – suddenly and unexpectedly waking up): “Huh? What?”

J: “Do something about the damn dog! He got me up at 3:15 and I fed him and gave him some water and he won’t shut up!”

B (M): “Do you kiss your husband with that mouth?”

J: “Not if he doesn’t do something about the damn dog!”



Living At Home…

August 29, 2017

Here I am, sixty-six years old, and I’m still living in my kids’ parents’ house…