Sometimes Judy has to be more clear when she asks me a question. For example, this morning she was deciding what to make for breakfast, and she wanted to know my opinion…
Judy: “How do waffles sound?”
Bill: “I don’t know. I have never heard one.”
We had waffles. And I still have yet to hear from one.
When Two Words Sound Alike
.
Hello again, Gentle Reader(s?),
Many people have difficulty misinterpreting words (and phrases) that not only sound like other words, but are actually pronounced the same as those other words that they sound like. Some of them are even spelled the same! For example, the words “read” and “read”.
Others may sound the same, but with slightly different spelling. For example, “for” and “four”. Then, of course, there is the infamous example of the words, “the” and “the” – (“the”, pronounced “Thee”, and “the”, pronounced “Thuh”, two words that mean exactly the same thing, but may confuse people as to when to utilize witch.)
If you are one of those people who have a problem misinterpreting words that sound the same, you have come to the right place because I can help.
I can show you how to easily misinterpret words (and even phrases) that sound like other words. With a little practice, you can be successfully misinterpreting words by the end of today. Guaranteed!
Here is an example…
I was talking with a friend (I would call her my dearly beloved cousin, but she may not want anyone to know we are related). She was very excited about her gardening efforts and said, “My tulips are blooming!”
I was pleasantly surprised for her because…
“Well, at least, both of your lips are blooming together. Mine tend to bloom one at a time.
“That makes me look really funny for up to a week until the second one decides to bloom. Do you know how hard it is to go out into public with your upper lip all bloomed up but your lower lip is as flat as a dime sitting under a steel plate beneath a hippopotamus?
“It’s hard. Real hard. If I hadn’t run out of coffee, I would never have gone out into public looking like that. But I did. So I did. You cannot imagine the looks I got from strangers who had equally blooming two lips. People can be so cruel.
“But I got through that trip out into the nether world. And I got home only mildly deranged from the receptions I got out in public. I brewed up a pot of my favorite coffee. I went to the refrigerator and opened the door. There was no half and half. Crap…”
Well, that’s ’bout it for this lesson. Give it a try! You can do this!
Until next time…
Buy-buy!
BK
.
.
At our house, on the patio in the front yard, there resides a fountain. We really like our fountain.
And so do birds.
We seem to have a lot of birds where we live. They are all over the place – in the trees. In the air. On the ground.
And in the fountain.
For some reason, known only to the birds, they think our nice fountain is a bird bath. This makes no sense to me because, not far from the fountain, we have supplied an actual bird bath.
The other day, we were out front admiring our fountain when I realized that it seemed a bit on the lethargic side. There was barely a dribble of water exiting the “spout” and dripping over the side of the top bowl into the larger “tub” below, where it recirculates back up to the top in a never ending cycle of – well -circulating water.
This, of course, caused both Judy and I to ponder over why it was so slow and weak. We thought there may be a clog in the pump. This caused Judy to dip her hand into the fountain to see if she could find something that might clog up the works.
She did find something that could clog up the works.
Bird fecal material. Lots of bird fecal material.
As it turns out, the birds also believe our fountain is a giant toilet.
Just prior to discovering that I was not willing to shake her hand, she said, “Ewe ewe ewe ewe…” and started to shake her own hand, not with her other hand, but to cause the removal of as much of the contaminant from her hand as she could. She then ran into the house and sterilized her hand and entire arm utilizing all sorts of anti-everything soaps, sprays and alcohol. Then she took another shower (her second of the morning). After her shower, she reapplied all of the germ-killing liquids she had previously utilized. then, just to make sure she had gotten everything, she took another shower (her third of the morning).
It was at this point that she started to feel better, less contaminated.
Which brings us to the conversation…
Judy: “We need to clean out the fountain.”
Bill: “And, by ‘we’, I assume that you mean ‘me’.”
Judy: “Yes, actually.”
Bill: “OK, I’ll do that after the rains stop.”
Bill, back in ‘pondering’ mode: “Why do you think the birds defecate in our fountain?”
Judy: “I don’t think its intentional, it’s just inadvertent. But that doesn’t make it any nicer.”
Bill: “I disagree.”
Judy: “You think they do it on purpose?”
Bill: “No. I think they do it on poopose.”
Ahem…
.
**Note: While this is an absolutely true account of absolutely true events, there may possibly be a detail, or two, that may possibly have been ever so mildly enhanced. – BK
Alarm goes off…
Judy turns off the alarm, yawns, turns to me and says:
Judy: “This week has really dragged on. Is this Thursday or Friday?”
Me: “It’s your Friday.”
J: “Are you sure? Because you don’t often know which day of the week it is.”
M: “Yes, I’m sure. Today is Saturday number five. I know this because I had to get new tires yesterday, and yesterday was Saturday number four. Saturday number four equates to Thursday. It naturally follows that today is Saturday number five for me, which equates to Friday for people like you.”
Background: This morning, as Judy was preparing to leave for work, she was removing things from the drink drawer in our refrigerator for the purpose of including them in her lunch bag. It was while dong so that she realized that she was running short of water bottles. Meanwhile, I was heavily involved, chomping on a small quantity of a Sausage and Cheese Hot Pocket. This required a lot of focus on my part. She turned to me, speaking…
Judy: “Can you get me a – oh – nevermind.”
Bill: “Of course! I will be happy to nevermind. I excell at ‘neverminding’! It’s actually one of my favorite things to do! And, I must say, I think I nevermind better than most other guys! Im really GOOD at it! Nobody can nevermind like I can! Thank you for the opportunity to do so, now!”
Two minutes later…
Judy: “Can you put four bottles of water into the drink drawer for me, please?”
Bill: “Oh, I am sooo sorry. I am busy neverminding right now. Can you call me from work and remind me after a couple of hours? I should be done by then.”
Judy: “Nevermind.”
Hello, again, Gentle Reader(s?),
As some of you may know, I have been the proud owner of some really great hearing aids for the past few years. And, as some of you may know, I don’t wear them all of the time. And as some of you may know, that means that I can go fairly long stretches without wearing them at all. And, as some of you may know, it drives Judy nuts when she has to repeat herself when I don’t quite pick up what she is trying to tell me.
Well, this past week has been a game changer. I actually wore my hearing aids all week long! Really! It’s been great!
Well, yesterday, Judy and I were on the road, returning from five days in San Diego where we were celebrating our 50th (Golden) Wedding Anniversary. We were conversing quite a bit along the way, and I was able to pick up just about everything she said! It was GRAWESOME!!! And she was happy that she didn’t have to repeat a lot of things!
Just after we came over the Grapevine, she asked me a question…
Judy: “How come, when you are wearing your hearing aids, you don’t talk as loudly as you do when you’re not wearing them?”
Bill: “Well, because I can hear myself better.”
J: “Yes, but I can’t hear you as well. In fact it’s hard to pick up what you are saying.”
B “Hmmm… You should get hearing aids.”
Well, hello again Gentle Reader(s?)… It’s time for another foray into the world of “How To Live A Successful Life”.
In this episode, we (I) will be discussing the proper neglect of the use of a sense of humor. And I will be doing so through the example that I have most recently set for myself…
Permit me to provide a bit of background, here.
Judy and I are in the process of designing (Judy’s part) and building “just one more house – honest. I promise”.
*Some of you may remember that our house burned down September 16, 2010 and that Judy designed the new one. Well, as it happened, she really loved doing that and she got the bug to do it just once more, hopefully before we die.
She has been working on it for about three years, drawing, changing, changing, changing, changing, upgrading, changing, changing and changing on, pretty much, a weekly basis over that entire period of time. She has finally got it right.
Over the past several months, we have submitted the plans to the contractor and the architect to have them drawn up numerous times. And, oddly enough, they have returned to us the finished plans an equal number of times for our inspection. Equally oddly enough, Judy has made a few changes and corrections. The last set of plans required changes/corrections to about twelve items. the first two items on the list appear here:
**Some of you may remember that I have a way of being joyfully light-hearted in just about any situation (I make stupid, though always hilarious, comments and jokes). This situation presented, to me, anyway, a good opportunity to, once again, employ my never-miss sense of humor, particularly in light of the fact that we had met with both the contractor and architect on many occasions and they have gotten used to me.
I thought it would be fun to throw in my own two cents on the suggested changes.
So I did…
Hmmm… There were no “Haha’s” from Judy…
This was unusual.
Moving ahead twelve days…
Phone rings…
Bill: “Hello.”
Judy (in a sweet voice): “Hi, Bill.”
B (somehow recognizing the ‘falseness’ in the sweetness in her voice): “Uh… Hi Judy.”
J (same sweet voice): I just wanted to let you know, ahead of time, that I’m going to strangle you when I get home tonight.”
B: “Gulp…”
J (ssv): “Would you like to know why?”
B: “OK…”
J (in a somewhat changed tone of voice): “Because the plans for the house were sent to me and they are being submitted to the county.”
B: “Well, that’s a good thing, right?”
J: “Guess what they include…”
I’m just going to leave it right there and let you use your imagination.
Suffice to say that the use of humor, no matter how funny, may, in rare cases, be wise to avoid.
Seriously.
Until next (I hope) ti–
Bill: “Oh, hi, my little snooky-wookie-kins! Are you waiting for me?”
Judy: “Why, no, my love, my very own, I am not,” and she goes on, “I am waiting for the bathroom.”
Bill: “Of course, my sweet. It’s all yours.”
J: “How do you do that?”
B “How do I do what?”
J: “The bathroom never smells when you come out. How do you do that?”
B: “Seriously? Really?”
J: “Yeah, really. It never has.”
B: “Well, statistically, there is a very small minority of people, of which I am fortunate to be counted among, who can claim to possess the ‘Mine Doesn’t Stink’ charism.”
J: “Well, as much as I hate to say it, and as ridiculous as it may sound, I have to agree.”
J: “I’ve changed my mind.”
Bill: “You know, Judy, I’m completely amazed that you don’t get irritated with me when I am being obnoxious.”
Judy: “Oh, but Bill, I DO get irritated with you. Sometimes VERY irritated. I simply refuse to give you the satisfaction of KNOWING I get irritated.”
Shopping done.
Groceries loaded.
Seatbelts fastened.
Ignition on.
Spaces in front of me empty.
Next row clear.
Gearshift in drive.
Pulling forward.
Turning right.
Judy: “You’re going the wrong way.”
Me: “I’m going the wrong way?”
Judy: “Oh! No, you are going the right way. I said the wrong thing.”
Me: “You did.”
Judy:
Me: “You owe me an apology.”
Judy: “I’m sorry.”
Me: “You’re welcome.”
Alarm goes off…
Judy turns off the alarm, yawns, turns to me and says: “The ‘Room Sensitivity Index’ is required in order to calculate the ‘Furniture Pain Score’.”
I respond: “Good morning.”
Obviously, she understands math better than I do.
Upon waking in the morning, I imagine that most happy wives might greet their husbands with the words “Good morning,” or “Did you sleep well,” or “I love you” or something else heartwarming…
Judy is special…
Alarm rings, Judy turns it off and turns to me…
Judy: “I have some sad news about my purse.”
Me, yawning and stretching: “Do you need another new purse?”
J: “Not anymore.”
Things With Six Strings 