Domestic Poetry: Issue One – Ode To Cashews

Hello, again, Gentle Reader(s – being optimistic here),

It’s time to launch yet another category in the seemingly unending launch of new categories on this blog site. Today, I am introducing the newly conceived Domestic Poetry category, based on the fact that I couldn’t think of anything else to call it. 

It may change in the future when I choose to expend the energy required to come up with a decent title, but for now, it’s Domestic Poetry.

So, with that, let us be off…

As, probably, all of you don’t know, I love cashews. I think that the cashew is the absolute best nut ever devised by God. Sure! There are other nuts – Peanuts, Walnuts, Almonds, Pistachios, Politicians (I don’t want to play favorites, here), Hazel, Macadamia, Pecan, Hex, Wing, Cap, Flange, Coco, Brazil, and Pine to name a few. But Cashews really stand out, in my book.

This being the case, I have decided to formalize my taste for cashews in the same way that I have formalized my feelings for my dogs. With a poem.

So without any further explanation, I shall begin now…

Ode To Cashews

By

The Very William H. Kammerer, Jr, Esq. (Not)

“I think that no-one ever knew,

A tree yummy as a cashew”

.

.

I love Cashews, yes,

It’s cashews that I love,

I love them when they’re from below,

And when their from above. 

.

Cashews to the left of me, 

Cashews to the right,

Cashews there for me to eat,

All through the day and night.

 .

Cashews to the North of me,

Cashews to the south,

Cashews to the East and West,

Just waiting for my mouth.

.

Cashews in the kitchen,

Cashews in the den,

Cashews found inside my house,

Located end to end.

.

Cashews in the cupboard,

Cashews in a drawer,

I love cashews so darned much,

I’d eat them off the floor.

.

Cashews lightly salted,

Or not salted at all,

Or even lots of salt on top,

You know I’ll eat them all.

.

Cashews with my breakfast,

Cashews with my lunch, 

Cashews for my dinner, too,

Yes, I eat them by the bunch.

.

Cashews for my mid-day snack,

And for eating in between,

Chances I may forget them,

Are really pretty lean.

.

No matter what the time of day,

No matter time of year, 

The cashew is the nut I crave,

With them, I have no fear.

.

So if you wonder what I’d like,

For Christmas time this year,

Just think of this and and when you shop,

The answer’s pretty clear.

.

Cashew.

Gazuntite. 

Let Me Know If You Have Any Questions

I used to work. At a job. I loved my job, but I love being retired, too.

Some of the things I loved about the job are:

  1. The people – not just my co-workers, but ALL of the people I came into contact with, and I still keep in contact with a lot of them. I think that some of them may be getting sick of me by now, but I really do enjoy them and miss them. So I  bug them on occasion. 
  2. The job, itself. For the most part, I had a lot of fun doing what I did. Again, that’s because of the people I got to work with.
  3. The industry. It is a crazy industry with a lot of motion. Major changes all of the time. It’s also a very large and, at the same time, a very small industry. Everybody knows everybody else, no matter which company you work for or segment of the industry you work in. It helps that I was in the industry for 30 years. I am friends with janitors, help desk personnel, sales reps, software developers, marketing folks all the way up to CEOs in a lot of small to large companies. 

But, like with all jobs, there are some things that could be challenging to get through. 

  1. Email.
  2. Meetings.
  3. Email.
  4. Email.

Email could be challenging and even entertaining. One of the more entertaining things about email is when you get one from a co-worker in, say, China, for whom English is not a first language.  It’s even more entertaining when the email includes lots of other people who speak the same non-English language, say, Chinese. 

And it’s even more fun when you (me) don’t speak Chinese as a first (or any) language. 

Those emails go something like this…

外贸五步法主动营销，让您企业发展节节高！

不是外行干掉内行，是趋势干掉规模，先进的取代落后的！外贸客户还停留在传统模式的小伙伴，没

有询盘，没有订单，瓶颈期怎么办。主动出击才能创造更多的可能性，路需要越走才会越宽。

当今企业间的竞争，不是产品之间的竞争，而是商业模式之间的竞争，有一套完整的商业经营模式，

才能让您的企业长存。外贸五步法是一套具有市场深入开发分析与市场测试的自主营销体系，不仅可

以给您带来高利润稳定的客户，还能帮您组建一支无需依赖公司在B2B平台和展会投入资金的客户开

发团队。

深圳2月6日13：30，五步法外贸孵化基地邀您一起收听五步法创始人——逄力先生外贸五步法精华

讲座。让您全面了解五步法对客户类型、客户上下家、关键词的分析及定义以及见证众多LED、模

具、电子等行业的成功案例！

您绝对不虚此行！

参课对象：外贸企业总经理，外贸企业团队经理，SOHO
免费门票索取联系人：吴R　　联系QQ：1085157548  Tel：134-8079-4297

Let me know if you have any questions.

I always enjoyed the “Let me know if you have any questions” part the best. That’s because the whole thing became a question for me. I just didn’t know where to start asking.

I still don’t. 

 

What I would Have Looked Like 100 Years Ago

Well, my cousin did this thing about what she would have looked like 100 years ago. Basically, you go to a website and log in using your Facebook account. The site then takes a look at your profile picture, analyzes and rewinds your appearance back to what it thinks you would have looked like 100 years ago and displays the you that would have been.
 
Apparently, I was quite handsome, well loved, fashionable and would have had less hair back then. Also, I brought all of these qualities with me when I kicked the bucket and started my new life.
 
And It’s amazing that I reincarnated as Half Dome.
me reincarnated

Merry Christmas – Christmas Hallelujah!

I really like Leonard Cohen’s song “Hallelujah”. A lot. So I scribbled down my own words for Christmas and almost made them fit into the melody.

So, here it is…

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

The Movie Mogul Me: Episode Four – More Green and Blue Screen Testing – Filming Outdoors

Progressing with green and blue screen testing this weekend…

Shawn was able to join us this weekend, and we built a frame for the screen so we can move it wherever we want. We also did some blue screen testing in the side yard – came out awesome. 

And the free trial version of Adobe After-Affects expired. I guess I’m going to have to buy the thing…

More improvisation and trying to make each other laugh…

And now, Behold the 4000 Beings!

Learn how to quickly travel to the moon!

See confirmation that ‘Spicolli’ really is ‘Holy’!

Discover how many beans it takes to fill a Vegan!

Revel in the true wisdom of Scooby!

Finally know beyond the shadow of a doubt who REALLY did it, where they did it and with what it was done! (Major spoiler alert)

Relive the reason I spent two weeks in the hospital four years ago!

Become enthralled in the dramatic buildup to the final confrontation!

Beware of the consequences of underestimating the 4000 Beans!

Witness the Sad Demise of Jezebel!

Listen to, and Stare in Wonder at, my Closing Monologue! 

Observe why you don’t wear a green shirt when filming in front of a green screen!

Watch me become Translucent! 

And find out what Steve really thinks of this effort!

The Movie Mogul Me: Episode Two – More Fun Testing The Green Screen

Started working more into the green screen practice. again, none of this is part of the film, it’s just practicing and figuring out how to do this stuff. 

Sky Diving… How not to…

First Time In France?

Let’s Try France (Again)

The Movie Mogul Me: Episode One – Testing The Green Screen

My youngest son, Steven Kammerer, was up this weekend.. It’s always fun when he is here. This was sort of a working weekend for us. As one of my “newly retired” duties, I am working with Steve, Billy and Shawn on a cinematic production – we are making a movie. Should be done around mid 2017.

We spent this weekend checking out locations and figuring out how to use the props and other hardware and software we have.
 
One of the things we tested was the green screen. Got it all set up, found a bunch of lamps to work with ( Note to self – need to get actual lighting fixtures) and we were ready to go.
 
Except that we didn’t know what we were going to do with it.
 
So we made it up as we went along…

And this was the first attempt…

 

Opening Scenes to Books I will Never Write – Chapter 5: Guess what day it is…

Joe woke up early – real early. He knew it was real early because the sun had not yet made its daily slither up over the horizon to cast its wakening brightness over his part of the rock most people called ‘Earth’. So he was quite certain that it was real early.
Or… was it late?
He thought to himself, “In this context, there are actually two forms of ‘late’. Either it’s late at night and, therefore, too early to get up out of bed; or it’s late in the morning and too late to still be in bed.
He thought about that and decided that if it was late rather than real early, ‘late’ option number one had to apply because that form of ‘late’ is, in terms of brightness after-all, evidenced by the same lack of sunlight as ‘real early’ whereas ‘late’ option number two would surely render even more sunlight than ‘middle early’, which was sort of a combination of ‘real early’ and ‘late early’.
(The difference between ‘late’ and ‘real early’ is that ‘late’ comes before ‘real early’ and lasts longer. A lot longer.)
So it could either be late or it could be real early. It didn’t really matter to Joe – he just knew that it was dark out and way too soon to get up.
And it was in that uncertain fog of confusion that he muttered to himself, “What day is it? Oh yeah – it’s Saturday…”.
To Joe (and a thousand other guys like him), every day was Saturday. Oh, it could be Sunday, but most days – six out of seven – it was Saturday. The important thing was that there were never any Mondays.
Joe vaguely remembered Mondays. It had been long enough since he actually had a Monday that he had almost forgotten how ‘Monday’ a Monday could be.
Some Mondays could be extremely ‘Monday’, while others (not many) tended to be less so and he was grateful that he (in his life of Saturdays and Sundays) was losing recollection of the more “Monday’ Mondays. Very grateful indeed…
But Joe lived with one deeply buried, irrational worry…
Every day is Saturday or Sunday until somebody gets hurt. Then every day is Monday… And that’s a terrible way to spend your life…
But right now it was too early to think about that…

 

Or was it too late?…

The Domestic Me – The Institute For Teach Cook: Episode Two – Culinary Art – Installment One: An Actual Recipe

Hello again, gentle reader. It’s time for, yet, another lesson on how to lead a successful life in the kitchen. This time, I’m actually going to give a real recipe! How about them apples?

Actually, there are no apples involved with this concoction, but there is a half a banana, so I figure the colloquialism kinda fits. They are, after all, both fruits.

Several months ago, I fell prey to a recipe shared on Facebook for a home-made milkshake using vanilla, unsweetened coco, bananas, ice, almond milk and a blender. It was awful. Really awful.

But the general idea intrigued me, and since that time I have been experimenting   on my own with my own idea of ingredients.

I believe that I have come up with a winner.

A few days ago I was talking with a friend (Heather) about my concoction, and she asked me to send the recipe to her and our mutual friend (Roberta)…

So here’s the recipe…

What you need:

  1. Blender, one each
  2. Banana, one half each
  3. Ice Cubes, twelve each
  4. Packet of Carnation Instant Breakfast, one each
  5. Metamucil (optional, but I highly recommend it), sort of a small spoonful each
  6. Chunky Peanut Butter, one small glob each
  7. Almond Milk, 8 ounces each
  8. Tall Drinking Cup (I use a 20 oz. shaker-mixer-cup-thingy – see photo below), one each
  9. Really Long Straw (I use this clear plastic tubular object that I thought was a really long straw, but which my wife later identified as a ‘Stirring Rod’. I’m including a photo below so that you may be able to identify it if you ever see one in real life), one each

What you do with all of this stuff:

  1. Carefully, even gently, dump it all into the blender
  2. Turn the blender on ‘High’
    1. My ‘High’ setting is labeled ‘Ice Crush’
    2. Yours may be something other than that – perhaps something like ‘Hyper-thermonuclear-atomic-nutrient-conglomerator-button’
    3. Or it may be something like the afore mentioned ‘High’
    4. Whatever your particular setting is, press that button
  3. After a very short time, turn the blender off
  4. Look for the lid (to the blender)
  5. Put the lid on the blender
  6. Refer to step 2

While the drink is mixing, you should:

  1. Clean up the mess that was created when you forgot to put the lid on the blender prior to starting it the first time
  2. Place the unused half of the banana inside some sort of zip-lock baggie contraption and put it into the refrigerator for future milkshake endeavors
  3. Put the rest of the stuff you are finished with where it belongs (pantry, trash, dog’s food dish, etc.)

When the mix looks like it’s completed, hit the ‘Off’ button again> open the blender lid> pour what’s inside into the 20 oz. drinking cup> stick one end of the straw into the cup> stick the other end of the straw into your mouth> suck.

Then say, “Wow! That’s really GOOD!”

I had set up a the kitchen with all of the stuff required to show you how to make this stuff, and enlisted my beloved wife to video me explaining the process. The whole thing went off without a hitch – it was perfect!

Except that Judy shot the whole demonstration using the ‘Time Lapsed” setting instead of the “video” setting on my iPhone.

BUT – it came out even more appropriately (for this blog, anyway) than if we had shot in video mode. You just have to read my lips and follow along.   Very quickly. But it WILL save you time…

Stirring Rod (Really big drinking straw)

stirring rod

Tall Drinking Cup

cup1

By the time I had thought of including a photo, I had already finished drinking my shake. It was good.

Bill Goes To The Symphony

Apparently, Judy has decided that she wants to prove to somebody that she can take me somewhere, so we met in Fresno last night to attend a concert of all of Beethoven’s piano concertos. (Actually, it was just a few of them as it was the first of three evenings in a row during which time the Fresno Philharmonic Orchestra, along with guest concert piano player Antonio Pompa-Baldi, will plow through the whole collection.)

All in all, it was an evening filled with beautiful, dramatic music, highlighted by amazing performances by Pompa-Baldi.

Honestly, the guy is amazing. I am convinced that his fingers are at least 12 inches long. I have never seen fingers like that on any other human being. I’m pretty sure he can cover the distance of three octaves on the keyboard between the pinky and thumb on one hand.

Additionally, I was seriously trying to count them (his fingers) during times when he was at rest, waiting for the the orchestra to get to the point where he would come back into the mix. I really thought he had 6 fingers on each hand. In fact, I wanted to stay after the concert to meet him just to count his fingers, but that was not to be.

And there were parts where he played entire parts with his right hand while is left was resting on his thigh! Like I said – amazing.

If you have never experienced a concert like this, I highly recommend  it to anyone who needs a little culture added to his or her life. 

However, if you do decide to expose yourself to this, I would caution you to pay attention to some of the finer points of proper audience etiquette, as well as give you some important knowledge of symphonic nomenclature. 

The top things I learned at the symphony concert last night:

10. No matter how many fiddles are in the orchestra, they will never, at any point during the performance, play Turkey In The Straw. No matter how hard you beg.

9. They are not ‘fiddles’. They are ‘violins’. 

8. Some of them are not ‘violins’, they are violas’.

7. Violin players show their appreciation by waiving their wands in the air in unison.

6. They are not ‘wands’, they are ‘bows’. 

5. Just because the music stops, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s time to aplod  aplawed  aplaude  clap.

4. If the musicians get up and leave the stage, it may not really be time to go home. 

3. Nobody will notice that you have fallen asleep if you nod off in time with the music.

2.  Contortions, spasms and other deformations exhibited on the featured piano player’s face and/or body do not necessarily indicate an epileptic seizure.

1.  There is no such thing as a ‘concert piano player’.

 

My New Favorite Voice Mail Greeting

Almost everybody in America has a phone of some sort. Many people have a voice mail box attached to their phone number. Some have them on their cell phones. Some people have them on their home phones. Some people have them on their work phones. 

Many of the millions of people who have voice mail of one kind or another are not satisfied with whatever default greeting is attached to their mail box (usually something like “The person you are trying to reach is not available. Please leave a message at the tone and whoever that person is will probably eventually hear your message and may decide to call you back.”), and are compelled to create one of their own.

People decide to create their own greeting for many reasons. “It’s more personal,” or “I want to cheer people up when they call,” or “I hate to get phone calls and I want everybody to know it,” to name a few.

Today I ran across one that I immediately fell in love with. It is attached to the voice mail box of a friend whom I hold in high regard (even more so, now). It was warm, friendly and cheerful, yet not sickeningly so; and while it was quite welcoming , it succeeded in  conveying it’s message in a professional and courteous manner. It really was refreshing. 

And it was, to quote the person who’s greeting it was, “unpretentious” and “honest.” And this is what made me ‘fall in love’ with the greeting.

What did it for me was then final statement in the greeting. It goes like this:

“Have the best day you can.” 

Now that is coming from a person who sincerely wants you to be happy and, yet, understands that you may be laboring under a nearly unbearable burdon. It’s not just honest, it’s brutally honest. 

It’ almost like, “Look, I know you are having a really awful day, but try to be positive and look on the bright side. You’re not dead. So, even though your day sucks, get over it and have as good a day as your lousy circumstances will allow. Even if it only brings it up to the level “crappy”. 

Is that not the just the best line you have ever heard of in a voice mail greeting?