In our last discussion, we learned all about Bed Hair. We learned about how it creeps up on you in the night.
While you sleep.
We learned that it gives no hint of it’s existence through any of our physical senses except for eyesight. We cannot directly hear, taste smell or feel it.
Notice the word ‘directly’.. for, while we cannot detect the ailment physically through any of these other four senses,we can detect when someone else has seen it in ourselves.
For example, we can hear someone whispering behind our back about how ridiculous we look with our ‘hair like that’.
We learned that Bed Hair makes no distinction between classes of people – it strikes anyone within reach of its’ pernicious tentacles – ever searching for that one last victim.
We learned that (contrary to the general population of the planet) some famous historical figures have made their fortunes, not in spite of this hideous disfigurement, but because of it.
We learned that Bed Hair has been known to cause a loving spouse to abandon his or her chosen partner to horrible indignation rather than be exposed to the ridicule of others over a mild case of Bed Hair.
And we learned that you cannot trust your dog when you are in your underwear.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, brings us to the topic of today’s discussion: “Why You Can’t Trust Your Own Dog“.
Shocked? Astounded? Offended? Please, hear me out! All I ask is that you read on with an open mind and reserve judgement until you have all of the available information…
Let me begin by stating my own previous faith in ‘man’s best friend’.
I used to have faith in dogs.
There. I said it.
Now, I shall proceed to demonstrate why I believe that dogs are truly not to be trusted in matters of hair…
Dogs have been touted as being man’s best friend for the last forty centuries, or so. They have received rave reviews for their unceasing loyalty to their masters, and several popular myths exist regarding the special relationship between a human and his or her dog.
They have, somehow, wangled a sterling twenty-four carat reputation as perfect fetchers of newspapers, slippers, sticks and all manner of other items small enough to fit into their slobbery mouths. True enough, but have you ever put your foot into a slipper filled with dog slobber? Or retrieved a news paper in the same condition?
I have, and I must say that it was very difficult to bring myself to tell the beast ‘Good dog! Good dog!’. Unfortunately, conventional wisdom dictates that you say that when your dog fetches you something, so, like an idiot, that’s what I said.
And all the while the mutt was laughing at me…
No matter what you do, your dog will always love you, or so they say. You’ve seen it a hundred times, probably even experienced it yourself. You come dragging in from work at the end of the day and who is there to greet you?
Your wife? Your kids? The police?
Sure! They’re all there but, besides the police, who does the best job of saying ‘Hello’? Your dog, that’s who! You bet! Old Rex sees you coming, charges at full speed and leaps upon you, tongue sloshing all over your face, arms and any other exposed skin you might be in possession of. And what do you do? You take it! And you’re happy about it!
And what’s old Rex thinking through it all? Why, he’s thinking “Look at this idiot! If he only knew all the places this tongue has been today!”!
Now, I freely admit that his is all conjecture on my part. There is no way I can prove that your dog has anything less than completely honorable intentions when he performs the above ‘tricks’. There is no way for me to get into his mind and read his thoughts and project them for you to examine for yourself.
“So,” you ask, “how do you know that dogs can’t be trusted?”
I will now demonstrate, using only verifiable empirical evidence that dogs cannot be trusted.
Remember, if you will, our hero from our discussion on Bed Hair. Remember when he let the dogs out for their morning constitutional? Remember when he locked himself out of the house? Remember when the dogs warned him not to go to the front door because Judy, his wife,would never come to the door to let him in because she had a raging case of Bed Hair?
Well, remember when you went out to the end of the driveway to get the paper? Remember when the neighbors went hysterical when they saw you? Remember when your dog warned you not to go outside because you had a severe case of Bed Hair?
You see? You remember everything except the dogs’ warnings.
Why? BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T WARN YOU!! THAT’S WHY!!
Face it, dogs don’t warn us when we have bed hair. If, as common myth alleges, dogs are man’s best friend, why don’t they let us know that we look completely absurd before we go out into public?
Why can’t you trust your dog?
BECAUSE DOGS DON’T HAVE BED HAIR, THAT’S WHY!
Think for a minute…
When was the last time your saw a dog with Bed Hair? Unless you have been to Africa, you have probably never seen the Rhodesian Ridgeback Hound. And if you have never seen one of those, you have never seen a dog with Bed Hair.*
* This piece of information comes to me courtesy of my friend – I’ll just call him ‘Mysterious Fair Haired Friend’. Having lived in Africa for many years as a child of missionary parents, he has first hand knowledge of the creature.
What does that have to do with the trustworthiness of a dog?
For thousands of years, dogs have been constantly humiliated by human beings of all races, creeds, colors and orientations.
They have been forced to jump through hoops.
They have been coerced into lying down and playing dead, feet sticking straight up into the sky.
And, perhaps worst of all, they have had to endure names like ‘fido’, ‘Babette”, ‘Spot’ and ‘Speedbump’.
Wouldn’t you be mad?
They have been called ‘Dumb Animals’. They may be dumb, but we shall see that they are certainly not stupid…
Dogs have been at our mercy from the very beginning of history, and have had no choice in the matter. They are an inferior creature to us in every way.
They just don’t get Bed Hair.
Why not? I wish I could say.
No, it isn’t fair.
No, it isn’t right.
No, there isn’t anything we can do about it.
And therein lies the problem… They KNOW we can’t do anything about it.
They know that they are superior to us in this one area. they have us at a disadvantage.
And they know it.
They know it.
Lord help us, they know it…
So you think they are doing anything to reduce that advantage? Would you?
SHOOT NO, YOU WOULD NOT! AND NEITHER WOULD THEY!!
They are NOT going to let it slip through their paws. Why should they? we are their favorite form of entertainment!
Who’s fault is it that we are in this predicament? Our own.
Why is it our fault?
BECAUSE WE HAVE NEVER LOOKED FOR A WAY TO GIVE DOGS BED HAIR! THAT’S WHY!!
Is there anything we can do to counteract this disadvantage?
No. And yes…
What kind of answer is that? Read on…
While it is certainly true that there is not short term way to genetically give dogs the ability to achieve Bed Hair Status, the news isn’t all bad.
There are new experimental ‘cures’ which may soon yield positive results to human sufferers of the condition. These experiments will be outlined in a paper, soon to be released by this reporter, entitled:
Methodicus Folliculus Fixus
For the first time in the long history of human suffering (and canine delight in said suffering), someone has taken positive steps toward offering hope to the minions who endure both the disorder and the treacherous behavior of their trusted pets
The key word here is HOPE.
Is there really hope here? Of course there is.
Next up… Methodicus Folliculus Fixus…