The Bed Hair Trilogy – Part Three
The Grand Finally
(As in “it’s finally done”)
In the first two segments of this series, we have almost thoroughly discussed the subject of Bed Hair.
We have seen the manifestations of the condition.
We have learned that our pets are, for the most part, immune to its ravages, and that they will almost certainly go out of their way to keep from warning us that we are in possession of a good case of the stuff.
We have determined that some fortunate historical figures have been able to turn their Bed Hair disadvantage into a vehicle for achieving huge success in the fields of art, music, science and military domination.
But what about the rest of us? What about the guy who has no aspirations of world domination? Or the woman who is content being a bank president? What about those of us who just don’t want to be the objects of ridicule and laughter when we venture forth into public?
And what about the guy who just wants to be better off than his dog?
Unfortunately, we can’t all be Einstein, Genghis Kahn or Marie Pres d’le Porte, so we have to find a way of fixing Bed Hair. But how can the normal, every day citizen of the world be set free from the heartbreak of Folliculus Disruptus? Is there any prospect of deliverance?
Yes, in point of fact, there is. And this brings us to the promised land known in scientific circles as Methodicus Folliculus Fixus – Methods of Fixing Bed Hair.
In this paper, we shall investigate an experimental “cure” for the dreaded ailment. We will also be made aware of some currently available “home remedies” which you can try yourself for little or minimal investment.
Before we embark on our discussion of the experimental permanent cure, it must be prefaced with the:
Obligatory warnings and disclaimers relative to any attempt by any person or persons unqualified to perform the following procedures on him or herself, or other human person or persons living or dead, with or without written consent, either written or oral or sign language in either English or non-English language; or on any non-human person, whether canine or feline or any other non-human species either living or dead, existent or non-existent, with or without consent, either written or oral or sign language, in any language, either English or non-English or paw strokes on the ground or in the dirt; or any attempt by any non-human person or persons unqualified to perform the following described experimental procedures on itself or any other non-human person or persons, either living or dead, existent or non-existent, with or without consent either written or oral or sign language, in either English or non-English or any non-human language; or on any human person living or dead, existent or non-existent, with or without consent, either written or oral or sign language, in either English or non-English language or any non-human language, being dangerous and hazardous to your health.
THESE PROCEDURES MUST ONLY BE PERFORMED BY PROFESSIONALS –
DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!
Now, on to the real crux of the matter: How do we fix this thing?
The experimental procedure was developed by Dr. Biff Smothers of the Biff Smothers Hair Restoration Center in Hairlip Falls, MN.
One day in the spring of 1979, Dr. Smothers awoke at his usual time of 5:00 A.M. He hit the snooze button his customary thirteen times, and one hour and fifty-seven minutes later he came to his now normal daily realization that he was running a tad behind. The fact of the matter was that he was supposed to greet his first patient at 7:15 in the morning, and his clinic was twelve miles away.
Each day he found himself in the unenviable position of having to decide whether to take a shower or get dressed before he mounted his trusty steed (he drove a 1967 Mustang, blue with rust colored trim) to the office. Invariably, he arrived at the office fully dressed (though, more often than not, his socks didn’t match).
This, of course, meant that he did not take time to shower. Or shave. Or comb his hair. And this, of course, far more often than not, lead to public displays of Bed Hair of varying severity. In fact, on a scale of one to ten, with ten being extremely severely severe, he was usually about an eleven.
After about five years of this routine, he began to notice that his client base had dwindled somewhat. In fact, of the one hundred thirty-seven regular patients he had developed over the years, he had only nine left… Three receding hairlines, two Friar Tucks and four early teen-agers who wanted desparately to grow beards so they could be “real men”.
Business was so bad that he had to let all of his help go, but to maintain his image as a successful hair practitioner, he told his patients that his entire staff was either out to lunch, not in yet or on vacation, depending on what time of day the question was asked.
Dr. Smothers was more than a little dismayed at this gradual turn of events. Even his own brother had finally decided to let his hair fall out naturally (a condition we will discuss later in the treatise). And as luck would have it, it was this very same wayward (and balding) brother who finally provided him with the insight and inspiration that he would need to save his practice and develop the currently experimental, though very promising, technique of artificially curing Bed Hair.
It seems that on this particular day, Dr. Smothers’ brother was taking his dog to the dog groomer for his bi-monthly pedicure, and decided to stop by and visit with his brother.
When he arrived, he found his brother in the doldrums over his failing practice and, after a rather lengthy exchange (the details of which I have already deleted from this account), it was finally revealed that the reason for Dr. Smothers’ business problems was his own terrible case of Bed Hair.
What’s that I hear? “Give me a break!” “How could even the worst case of Bed Hair possible substantially contribute to anyone’s business failure?”
I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s absolutely true. Making a long, long, long story short, here’s what happened…
For years people came to Dr. Smothers to get help in saving, or if necessary, growing new hair. He became known as a genius in the ways of hair preservation. People came from thousands of miles around to have the good doctor facilitate their follicles. Hair loss was stopping, baldness was reversing and fame and fortune were his…
Life was good.
Then, in 1974, Dr. Smothers took up writing short stories and articles in magazines. He did this in his off hours and would stay up late into the night (early into the morning, actually) writing away.
This caused him to be too tired to get up in the morning to properly prepare himself for the day at the office and, consequently, his severe bouts with Bed Hair.
Now, when his patients began seeing his outrageous problem, they began to stay away in droves. Why? Because – and this is the truth – they figured that they would rather be bald than have a full head of hair with even the remotest possibility of looking as ridiculous as their former hero, Dr. Smothers.
“Bald is beautiful,” they proclaimed, “or, at least, it’s better than the alternative!” (Now you know where that saying came from.)
At the exact moment of his realization of this new found truth, Dr. Smothers coincidentally cast his eyes upon his brother’s dog, Fabian. His hair-trained eye meandered along the entire length of the beast, observing the perfect arrangement of every hair. No frizzes. No unruly curls. No kinks, points, horns, spikes or un-natural waves…
“You must spend hours combing Fabian’s hair,” he said to his brother.
“Not at all,” his brother replied, “we never touch it.”
“Come on,now! You must! Just look at it – it’s always perfect!”
“Nope! That’s just the way it is. All dog’s hair is like that – except for the Rhodesian Ridgeback Hound.”
A light went on..
“Do you mean to tell me that dogs don’t get this hair thing?”
“That’s right. Why?”
A bell sounded…
“I wonder,” he wondered. “Could it be done?… Is it possible?…”
We now know that it is indeed possible, thanks to Biff Smothers, his brother and his brother’s dog, Fabian.
Today there are forty-seven former Bed Hair victims walking the streets of America. Forty-seven people taking part in one of the greatest medical experiments of the past two centuries. Forty-seven who not only volunteered, but who actually paid to have this procedure done so that the world might be able to rid itself of the scourge of Bed Hair…
Dr. Smothers has named his procedure ‘Canis Transplantus’…
Here’s how he made it work…
First, the patient’s head is completely shaved in a procedure called ‘Cranial Folliculus Disappearus’.
Second, several plugs of canine hair are extracted from a willing dog.
Third, the plugs are surgically implanted into the scalp of the patient in a procedure called ‘Cranial Folliculus Insertus’. And…
Voila!!!!!!! The patient is now virtually immune from Bed Hair!
Q: So, if this is so good, why is this procedure only experimental?
A: Good question. There is a downside to the procedure. About 23 per cent of patients who have had the procedure done have reported some minor side effects. These can include, but may not be limited to:
- The urge to stare hypnotically into the speaker horns of old Victrola record players.
- The urge to make sudden stops at fire hydrants, trees and telephone polls to mark you territory.
- The urge to chase cars, both moving and parked.
- And the urge to lift one’s leg when using restroom facilities (it’s wise for these people to carry a mop and a plastic bag with them wherever they ‘go’).
These are being worked on even as you read this report.
In the interim, there are a few things you can do to minimize the negative effects of Bed Hair in your life. I take the liberty to list some of them here:
- Have someone who you really trust perform the ‘Cranial Folliculus Disappearus’ procedure on you.
- If you are fortunate enough to be going bald naturally (Scalpus Kojackus), continue to do so, and don’t worry about it (that’s easy for me to say).
- Go Punk (Folliculus Stupidus Punkus) – nobody will be able to tell the difference anyway.
- Sleep on satin pillow cases (Folliculus Slidus). This will almost eliminate the friction of your head against the pillow – a major cause of Bed Hair. (There is the problem, however, of your head slipping all over the pillow throughout the night, thereby keeping you awake.)
- Wear a wig (Folliculus Fakus).
And this brings us back to out hero, Dr. Biff Smothers because…
In the mean time, Dr. Smothers has created an ancillary business utilizing the doffed hair remaining after the ‘Cranial Folliculus Disappearus” procedure. He has developed a way to take the shaved hair, implant it into a synthetic mambrane (also of his design), and grow new hair! In effct, he is now growing thirty acres of living wigs on what could be referred to as his ‘removable hair farm’, but which he prefers to call…
Biff Smothers Doff Crops..