Let The Hospital Stay Begin…
…July 23, 2011… (Continued from Part .5)
When the sixty year old man had finished his story, the forty-ish balding nurse stood in silence for a few moments, gazing in admiration. Or was he staring at the clock wondering if the tale had finally ended, or if the sixty year old man was just taking a breath (his first in the telling of the saga) and would continue his story?
Who knows? Whichever the case may be, he made sure the telling was over because he completed his “paperwork” and called for transportation to a treatment room.
The journey from the “check-in” area to the treatment room was rather boring, so Man of Action started telling his tale, again, to the orderly pushing the gurney. He was interrupted about every fifth word by with word “Si” coming from the orderly. Apparently, the gentleman either didn’t speak English, or he was warned not to let me think he did, by the forty-ish balding nurse.
So I just shut up for the balance of the trip.
Once in the treatment room, I was left alone for a few minutes to contemplate my situation. Actually, my condition didn’t seem so bad at the moment, in light of what I could see through the crack the door to the hallway…
There was a foot occupying the end of a gurney just outside the door. On the foot was a big toe. On the big toe was a big toe nail. The unfortunate part of that was that the nail was positioned at a ninety degree angle from the toe.
Warning: This will make you say “owee-ooh-ee-ooh-ooh-oweezowee“. If you are OK with saying “owee-ooh-ee-ooh-ooh-oweezowee” , click here to see a pho-toe of a toe that looks very similar to the one I had to look at for thirty minutes before anybody came in and shut the door all the way.
Fortunately, when someone did come into the room, one of them was Judy.
Unfortunately, the other one was a young nurse.
Normally, that wouldn’t bother me too much except that she had something ominous looking with her. She called it a Foley Catheter.
I knew what a Foley was – it was a guy with the first name of Terry with whom I graduated from high school. I had no problem with that.
My problem was with the “Catheter” part of the equation. I also knew what that was…
Warning: This will make you say “owee-ooh-ee-ooh-ooh-oweezowee“. If you are OK with saying “owee-ooh-ee-ooh-ooh-oweezowee” , click here to see a photo of what, if you are a guy, at least, you never want to tangle with.
I couldn’t think of anything to say so I said, “what’s that for? “
She responded, “Well, we have to give you a way to eliminate waste from your body.”
I said, “Oh.”
Then, neither one of us said anything for a minute or so. We just looked at each other. Then I looked at Judy. Judy looked at me. The nurse looked at Judy. Judy looked at the nurse. A doctor came into the room. We all looked at the doctor. The doctor looked at the nurse. The doctor looked at Judy. The doctor looked at me.
The doctor said, “Excuse me. Wrong room,” and left.
I looked at Judy. Judy looked at the nurse. The nurse looked at me.
I looked at the nurse and said, “I don’t suppose that thing goes down my throat while I’m under anesthesia, does it?”
The nurse said, “No.”
I said, “Oh.”
The nurse said, “This is going to hurt a bit.”
I said, “How much is a bit?”
The nurse said, “It has been compared to what a woman feels during childbirth.” She continued, “if you are ready, I’ll start.”
Judy grabbed my hand and said , “Breathe.”
The nurse began the procedure.
I said, in my most primal screaming voice, “COWABUNGAHHHHHHHHH!!*$#@!”, and turned to Judy, gritted my teeth, looked her straight in the eye and screeched, “YOU DID THIS TO ME!”
Then everybody started laughing. Like it was funny or something…
I, on the other hand, was just wondering if they could just tear my toenail back ninety degrees and call it a day…
This is part .6. If you would like to catch up, I would suggest starting at part .5. From there you can come back here, or go to Part 1, which is the first of 8 parts relating to the actual trip up Half Dome and back…