Cow Facts Trilogy – Part Eight (8): Cows – Everybody Needs One

Click here to catch up on everything and have some idea what the heck is going on…  and start with Part 1 (one).

Click here to go to Part Seven (7)… so you know where we left off – even though it has nothing to do with what you are about to read.

Well, Friends, It’s been almost exactly two years since our last foray into the amazing world of cows and a lot has happened since then.

But I digress…

Since so many of my wife have brought it up, I have decided to embark on yet another amazing treatise on bovines. This time concentrating on benefits and practicalities of possessing a cow, not for fuel, not for milk, not for the much-required supply of lawn fertilizer, but simply for the joy of having a cow friend with whom to play and commiserate during those times when everybody is mad at, and nobody wants to be around, you.  

Yes, friends, everybody needs a pet, and I submit that a cow could be a great pet. 

Consider this: How friendly could a cow be if she knew that she would never wind up on a hot griddle or between the two halves of a bun?

Imagine your life with a pet cow…

(Dream sequence music starts here)

There you are, arriving home from a particularly difficult day at work and you know that your wife will be upset with you because, as you just realized, you forgot to stop on the way home to pick up the twenty-four pack of Muscle Milk she asked – no, demanded – you to get. Starting to sweat profusely at the thought of walking into the house without the Muscle Milk, you pull into the driveway. Cautiously, you exit the vehicle. Praying, you start to make your way to the front door and, upon arrival, you hesitantly reach for the doorknob. Using your left hand, you turn it counter-clockwise (because that’s the way your mother taught you to open a door) and, with a grimace, you slowly, gently (just as you pronounce the word, “Amen.”) push… open… the door…

Suddenly, to your shock and everlasting gratitude for prayers answered, you see your best friend – Daisy – running at full speed and leaping into your arms to greet you! Daisy is not your wife. Your wife is Hildegard. Daisy is your beloved and cuddly pet cow, and she is happy to see you!

And, despite nearly being crushed to death, and the destruction of your house and most of the furnishings inside, you are happy to see Daisy!

(Exit dream sequence music starts here)

See what I mean? Having a cow as a pet could be a beautiful thing. 

“But,” you say, “I already have a cat.”

Many of us have pet cats. Judy and I have had several. Most recently, a feral that figured out how to get into the house through the doggy door in the laundry room.

Judy named her “Lucinda”. I felt that she was appropriately named because I believe that “Lucinda” is female for “Lucifer”. 

But that’s another story for another post…

Let’s look at cats and cows for a minute. For now, let’s not concentrate on the differences, between the two, let’s look at the ways in which they are the same, or at least similar. For example, the words Cat and Cow begin with the same letter of the alphabet:


If you think about it, this is a great start.

How else are they the same, or similar?

They both speak in languages that begin with the same letter:


Yes, again we see how they are the same. Cat’s say “Meow” and cows say “Moo”. With a little practice, I think they could probably talk to each other and get along quite well. They could have some great conversations about the weather, their favorite sports teams and even about how much they love their owners. 

Also, they both have four legs and a tail. They can go for long walks on the beach together, discussing the origins of the universe all the while swatting away flies. 

Now, let’s investigate some of the challenges that might arise when, in lieu of a cat,  you have welcomed a cow into your home. 

  1. A cat will use a litter box filled with cat litter to deposit former meals. However, cow litter is not easily available in most grocery or pet stores. In fact, you may also have an issue finding an appropriately sized “cow litter box”. 
  2. You will need a larger space in which to place the litter box and store the litter.
  3. Even after obtaining the necessary litter products and successfully placing them, you will have to train the cow in the proper utilization of the items in question. This may take a bit of doing as most cows are not familiar with waste elimination etiquette. 
  4. Many felines are quite affectionate. You may find them occupying your lap, your bed or the back of your sofa. If you find a cow who likes you, you may have to get a larger lap, bed or sofa to accommodate this, albeit loving, intrusion. 
  5. For those who have multi-story houses, while a cow can probably climb stairs, it’s probably best to keep them on the bottom floor of your home. Especially if you lack cow-capable umbrellas. 

And now for some of the possible benefits of adopting a cow as a pet (aside from the obvious energy resource possibilities of owning a cow).

  1. You will never lose your cow when it attempts to hide (hyde?) in the house. It won’t fit under a bed, sofa or behind the toilet.
  2. You won’t have to worry about finding dead animal puzzles in the hallway, bedroom, laundry or dining room. Cows are not known for hunting birds, ground squirrels gophers, lizards, snakes, rats or anything else not larger than themselves.
  3. A cow will never hide in the bookshelf, waiting for you to pass by so it can leap out and land on your back, sliding down, claws extended, rendering your flesh shredded from your shoulders (possibly exposing and/or damaging or completely obliterating the supraspinatus, subscapularis, infraspinatus and/or teres minor musculature) to your ankles when you least expect it. This lack of aggression may also lead to fewer heart attacks. 
  4. The likelihood of tripping over your cow in the dark is actually quite remote. This makes the chances of broken bones, sprained ankles or accidental death from this type of accident equally remote.  
  5. Finally, the smell alone is enough to keep away unwanted visitors (although, a slight increase in the fly population may be a minimal risk). There is little danger, however, of keeping away those who really like you. They will understand you and will be willing to accommodate your affinity for “exotic” pets as long as they stay off their laps. 

And now for the real reason for this plea…

There are plenty of cows available for immediate rescue/adoption. And let’s try to remember what happens to cows kept only for their utilitarian existence. Once they are no longer fulfilling their “purpose”, they are not simply discarded… They end up on your hamburger bun or covering your new sofa… (Or if they are unfortunate enough to live just outside New York City or other metropolitan areas within driving distance of a hunting preserve, across the hood of your neighbor’s car who thinks he just shot a deer.)

So what do you say, my fellow Bovine enthusiasts? Is it time for you to do whatever it takes to save a cow who, otherwise, has no future? Take that next step and adopt a cow.

After all, the worst that can happen is that you could end up with a nice chair…

Until next time (probably another two years), 



And for the reading impaired…

Click here to go to Part Nine (9) 

To go to the beginning of this riveting series, go here…