The Domestic Me – The Culinary Somebody Else: Episode Five – Another Coffee Discovery

Hello once again, Gentle Reader(s?)…

Yes, it’s Coffee Moron, here! And I have some truly enlightening news to report! But first, a word, or two, on how I came to discover this information…

Today, early in the morning, I slithered out of bed with a hankering for – you guessed it – the bathroom! Skipping ahead a bit, my next craving was for a – you guessed it again – a haircut! But skipping a bit further ahead (because a haircut is not currently available in my neck of the woods), my next hanker was for a – you probably didn’t guess this – cup of coffee…

Yes, Gentle Reader(s), coffee. 

As you may, or may not, remember from past postings, depending upon how Gentle a Reader you may or may not be, I have been on an adventure of coffee discovery over the past couple of years. I have learned many things (mostly, how to gain ten pounds in a period of two months), some of which have been beneficial to my daily routine, if not to my waistline.  But all of them have affected my life in some way or other. 

Anyway, I haven’t experimented with coffee much, lately, and I didn’t experiment this morning, either. It was a typical throw in enough water for three cups, all of which fit into one mug, scoop in three mountainous scoops of grounds, hit the “on” switch, wait for the gurgling noise to stop, pour the result into my mug, add a half gallon of heavy whipping cream and drink. 

But there was a slight difference today, in that we had to go out for a few hours. This, of course, meant that I couldn’t finish my daily serving of coffee (I don’t like to guzzle it down) and I ended up pouring about half of it down the sink.

When we returned to the house, I decided that I really needed to have my full daily allotment of the stuff that waistlines (mine, anyway) are made of, so I went directly to the coffee pot and began to restart the whole process.

Standing there, in front of the coffee maker, I lifted the lid to the thing that holds the filter, reached for it with the intention of tossing the used filter and grounds into the waiting trash can and froze; my mind evaluating the cost of the grounds so perfectly placed within the coffee-filter-holder-thing…

“Hmmm,” I thought, “I wonder what it would be like to just use the same pile of grounds for this new pot…”

Being the adventuresome sort of guy that I am (adventuresome = cheap and, more to the point, lazy), I decided to give it a shot. 

So I did…

Now, for the discovery…

While the resulting concoction was kinda similar to coffee (the water part of the solution looked a little brownish and there was a faint odor of coconut – this was Hawaiian Hazelnut coffee), the flavor was more like heavy whipping cream mixed with nitrogen and brownish-colored water. It wasn’t quite as good as my usual product. 

This, of course, resulted in me having to toss the existing grounds (although, I admit, I toyed with the idea that maybe this was just some sort of aberration and I should give it another shot). this, of course, meant that I had wasted, not only, enough water from our well to make a mug (three cups) of coffee, but also the time that I could have been watching Dr. Zachary Smith nearly destroying the entire Robinson family, along with Major Don West and the beloved family Robot in the next thrilling episode of Lost In Space. 

Please, I implore you, DO NOT TRY THIS. I have already done the hard work, and you really don’t have to. 

Really. 

You don’t.

Until next time, this is Coffee Moron, wishing you a Happy New Year! Be well!

 

The Domestic Me – The Institute For Teach Cook: Episode Three – Coffee, Anyone?

Coffee.

Coffee is just about the most ubiquitous liquid currently found in the solar system. I used to think that it was the Pacific Ocean, however, I now know that sea water runs a semi-distant second to coffee. It’s everywhere. That’s because it reproduces itself.

And almost everybody drinks it. You (very nearly) cannot visit a friend, neighbor, lawyer or hated enemy without hearing the words, “Would you care for a cup of coffee?” immediately after hearing the words, “Have a seat and take a load off.” (In the case of the lawyer, the script changes somewhat to “Please sign here. Have a seat and take a load off. Please sign this disclaimer. Would you care for a cup of coffee?”)

Coffee takes on an almost uncountable number of forms. It mixes with almost anything you can fit into your cup, whether it be liquid, solid or gas. Anything. (There is some question as to whether Metamucil is compatible with coffee, but I have yet to determine that with one hundred percent confidence.)

Aside from being unable to avoid the immediate availability of coffee in stores of all types, restaurants, cruise ships, airplanes, motorhomes, law offices, medical facilities, churches, sewage treatment plants, schools, gas stations, theatres, business offices, cemeteries, prisons, public restrooms and even a small number of public libraries, most people have at least two or three coffee pots in their homes. 

Judy and I are no different. We have always had them in our home. I think we currently have two, but I’m not certain that there aren’t more in storage somewhere on the homestead. We even have a reasonably equipped  “coffee station”:

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We keep the actual coffee in the refrigerator.

We also have a wide variety of coffee cups, mugs and Thermoses to make it easier to consume it, and paper towels with which to clean it up when there is an accident.

Where coffee is concerned, we are just like any other household with one minor exception.

Judy and I don’t actually drink coffee. 

Yes, you read that right. Judy and I are not coffee drinkers. What’s worse is that we don’t even know how to make coffee – seriously.

So why do we have all of this stuff? 

Well, we have offspring who visit on occasion, and seventy-five percent of them do drink coffee. (The other twenty-five percent settle for beer.) They all know how to use it and, being accommodating parents, we keep it around for them.

Until last night…

I read, last night, that Gary Larson (creator of “The Far Side” and my American literary hero) was once asked how he came up with ideas for his cartoon. His answer was the he would down a few cups of coffee before starting to work on a cartoon. 

This gave me an idea – I got up and headed to the “coffee center” in the kitchen. While on my way, I called for Judy and asked her to show me how to make coffee. 

It was only then that I found out that she didn’t know how to make coffee, either. We cooperated and worked on the problem together for about twenty minutes – she reading instructions, and me putting them into action. 

Then this ensued…

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I tested a fifty gallon drum of my first brew of coffee.

At about 2:30 this morning, it dawned on me that I probably should have done this a lot earlier in the day…

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*** If you would like to find out about some of the many different makes and models of coffee, as well as a few of the most popular additive combinations, you can click here to go to Wikipedia and marvel at (what I am certain is a small portion of) the multitudinous array of caffeine sleep inhibitors available on the Earth today.