How To Rate A Cow
It has become evident to me, by carefully analyzing the data gathered from the survey in my last post, that most of us have no idea how to rate a cow.
So, once again, I went to the almighty “Google” and entered my query “how to rate a cow”. And, once again, I was presented with a plethora of sites related to the topic at hand… sort of…
As it turns out, there are about three trillion ways to rate the bovine species (approximately one method for each dollar of debt the U.S. is about to incur, if you include interest. But I digress…).
For example, One site – concentrates on the “Syneresis Rate of Cow’s, Ewe’s, and Goat’s Curd. Effect of Thermal Treatment and Ultrafiltration”.
Another focuses on the “Improvement of the rate of cow dung decomposition using rock wool for maintaining the fermentation heat.” (While this is not, strictly speaking, a rating of cows, it does contain the words “Rate” and “Cow”, so I decided to cut them some slack and give them honorable mention.)
And then there are the multiple Bovine dating sites that popped up – really:
* “RateMyCow.com – the greatest cow rating site in the developed world
Ratemycow is a dating site for cows and bulls to meet online and rate photographs of themselves.
http://www.ratemycow.co.uk/ – 30k – Cached – Similar pages”
* Something told me not to click on this link, and so I didn’t.
Because of the numerous sites and rating criteria available to the cow connoisseur, I have decided to take it upon myself to narrow it down to two possible categories – namely, my two favorite parts of a cow – milk and steak.
However, for the sake of brevity, I will limit myself to the rating of cows milk, and leave the meat for a possible later discussion…
And so we launch…
Because I couldn’t actually find any sort of rating system for the grading of cows based upon the quality of milk they produce, I am forced to come up with my own highly scientific method of doing so… Here’s what I came up with…
Cows will be graded on a scale of 1 – 5 according to the quality of milk produced based on the following six categories:
o White is best
o Green is not best
o Ice cold is best
o Luke warm is worst
- Will the milk make you fat?
o No is best
o Yes is worst
This is a particularly difficult category because it is in direct conflict with nature, as is the next category…
o If it tastes like it won’t make you fat, then it doesn’t taste as good as milk can taste, but it won’t make you as fat as fast as milk that tastes like it will make you fat but tastes great, will – This is best
o If it tastes like it will make you fat, then it probably will, and it will taste as good as milk can taste – Unfortunately, this is worst
This one goes hand in hand with the next category…
o Rather thin, not quite like water – Best
o Somewhat creamy, though not thick – worst (Bummer)
- How does the milk interact with Oreos
o Almost infinitely enhances the experience of eating Oreo Cookies – This is best
o Causes Oreo Cookies to immediately evaporate on contact – This is worst
Additionally, while the scale of 1 – 5 is the norm, occasionally a cow may produce milk of such high quality that it will merit a score above 5, though only temporarily. This score will be displayed on the cow in the form of a removable yellow tag, clipped to the ear, with the score written on it.
Likewise, a cow may produce milk of such poor quality that it rates a score of less than 1. If the cow is sufficiently bad, the score will be permanently branded upon her torso, in plain sight.
So there we have it… The six qualities of milk which, when mixed together and averaged out on a scale of 1 – 5, will give us the rating of the cow in question.
I have decided to call this the Professor William H. Kammerer, Jr. Cow Scale, in honor of my dad, William H. Kammerer Sr..
Time to look at a couple of cow examples (as photographed by my lovely wife, Judy, while on her way to work one day) and observe the practical application of the William H. Kammerer, Jr. Cow Scale (Kinda rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?).
Cow Number 1:
This cow has a (temporary) rating of 74, and is an example of the rarest occurrence of her species – the nearly unheard of “Bovine Over Achiever”. At some point recently, she produced a quantity of milk of stratospherically high quality – a here-to-fore believed to be impossible combination of the six categories –
- Temperature: 40 degrees “F” at the time of milking
- Fattening? : No – In fact, the milk from this cow will cause you to loose weight by negating any empty calories consumed within three hours (before and after) of downing a glass
- Taste: Like the most fattening milk available on the market today – Unbelievably good flavor
- Consistency: Just below cream level
- Oreo Factor: Three days after eating an Oreo Cookie with the milk from this cow, the afterglow persists
We LOVE this cow…
Cow Number 2:
This cow has achieved a rating of -3 (Minus 3). It produces Squid milk that tastes like rotting fish.
- Color: The same color as a 1970’s era “just darker than Lime Green” Leisure Suit
- Temperature: A balmy 83 degrees “F” after five days in a garage freezer
- Fattening?: Is the ocean wet?
- Consistency: Steamy large curd cottage cheese at the time of milking
- Oreo Factor: They couldn’t get an Oreo within five feet of this stuff – One cookie was actually heard to scream as it was brought into proximity of the milk from this cow, just before it disappeared in a puff of Oreo steam
Farmers hate this cow. It wouldn’t make a good hamburger…
BUT – there’s more… Even worse, this cow is part of an entire herd of particularly vile creatures, as caught on “film” by my wife… Observe, if you dare, the putrid gathering…
One can only imagine the deadly hazards of stepping in the wrong spot in this pasture…
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** As a public service to those of you who have requested clarification on a couple of points made in this post, I am writing this short addendum.
Question 1: Why is the “over 5” rating temporary?
Answer 1: Good question. Here’s the logic behind that decision:
- If a cow happens to rate above “5” at a given point, it could be because she was having an especially good day, week or month. She will eventually slip…
- Of course, it could also mean that she really is that good. But over time she will age and slide backwards – and her rating will naturally reflect this “slideage” – it happens to all of us at some point…
- When this happens, the quality of her work will (if she lives long enough) diminish to the point where it hits a rating of “1”. Any lower than this and she becomes an “eater” and is now worse than useless to the farmer – she is costing him money. This is where steak comes from.
Question 2: Why is a rating below “1” permanent?
Answer 2: Glad you asked. Here’s why:
- It directly relates to the reasoning above – When a cow hits that lowly level, it’s usually because she is on the way down and nature takes it’s course. From here on out, the creature will only degrade further, so the animal will never again attain the lowest of the “acceptable” ratings, “1”.
- Because the cow has only one function to the farmer, it really has no opportunity to learn a new trade and improve it’s lot in life by becoming, say, a race horse.
- It will always be a bad cow, an “eater”.
Question 3: Well then, why not give it a lower rating?
Answer 3: This has to do with something called “Political Cowrectness”:
- If you lower a cow’s rating to something below “-3” (-3 has been determined to be the breaking point), the cow will feel bad about itself and stop eating.
Question 4: So what? Just turn it into steak.
Answer 4: Unfortunately, cows this bad can no longer be used as food or clothing of any kind. Once a cow is somehow missed in the inspection process and degenerates to this level, she is routinely consigned to the “weed field” and becomes a “herbicide” – saves on chemical weed killers…
Sorry, that’s all the time we have for questions…
Click here to go to prelude to part 4…