Category: The Domestic Me

The Domestic Me – Episode Two – Laundry: After Action Report #1

I refuse to acknowledge even the remotest possibility that a fitted sheet can be re-folded the way it was when you bought the thing. In fact, I don’t believe it was ever folded that way in the first place. I think they inject some sort of drug into the package that makes you think it’s folded.

There is a reason they call them “fitted”, and it’s not because they “fit” onto the mattress. It’s because folding them gives me fits.

When I was in the Navy, I learned how to fold my laundry correctly. I can fold socks, shirts, pants, underwear, towels and sheets. Yes, sheets.

The problem is that, in bootcamp, we didn’t have fitted sheets. We had two un-fitted sheets, and you had to be able to bounce a quarter off the bottom sheet in order to pass inspection. It is clear why they didn’t have fitted sheets – you couldn’t bounce an idea off a fitted sheet, especially after you have tried to fold it. 

You can do lots of things with a fitted sheet. You just can’t fold it neatly. I’ve decided to try to list a few of the things that you can do with a fitted sheet.

  1. The first, and obvious, thing you can do with it is make it the first thing you put on your bed.
  2. You can shoot it with a shot gun (skeet-sheet shooting). This will give you “holy sheet”.
  3. You can hide your cat in a fitted sheet (nobody will notice because a “folded” fitted sheet has no actual standard form, and any lump(s) – even moving ones – look natural. This will give you “cat sheet”. 
    • You can probably also do the same with your dog, horse, or cow, depending on the size of the fitted sheet. This will render “dog sheet”, “horse sheet” or “cow sheet”. And if you bring your fitted sheet out into the woods, you may get lucky and end up with “bear sheet”. 
    • But, most likely, you will end up with “bull sheet”.

You can do many things with a fitted sheet. You just can’t fold it.

But, not to worry about that because you can also use it as a sale on your boat. However, you will want at least three of them. This will make you “three sheets to the wind.”

Once you’ve reached that goal, you won’t care about folding it.

sheet1

The Domestic Me – The Institute For Teach Cook: Episode One-B – Culinary Art – Installment One

Hello, once again, Gentle Reader, and welcome to another episode of “The Domestic Me“.

I’ve recently noticed that Culinary Art and Gourmet Recipes have become vogue on Facebook. I have been impressed with the presentations and have found myself, on more than one occasion, salivating like Pavlov’s Dog.

I have also found myself wondering how mere human beings come up with such wonderfully incredible ways to entice, indulge and satisfy one’s appetite.

Well, I’m still wondering, but I have decided that the best way to figure it out is to try my own hand and inject my own cooking abilities into the fray!

So, without any further ado, I am proud and excited to introduce my first foray in the field of “Culinary Art”.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Gourmets of all ages! I give you

Oeilet Petit Instant et Supplements de Vitamines

IMG_0801

Oeilet Petit Instant et Supplements de Vitamines – Step by step instructions:

  1. Preheat oven to 730 degrees Fahrenheit. 
  2. Go to the refrigerator and pull out a gallon of milk (you can also substitute a quart of milk or a pint of milk, but you won’t have as much left after you dump 8 ounces of the stuff into – oh wait – that’s coming up later and I don’t want to spoil the surprise).
  3. Go to the pantry and open the door.
  4. Recover from the shock of having your cat leap out at you from the darkness within the pantry.
  5. Find one of the three (3) boxes of Oeilet Petit Instant stored there and remove one packet of the Oeilet Petit Instant powder.
  6. Go to cupboard and open the door.
  7. Grab an 8 ounce drinking cup (Surprise!).
  8. Go to the bathroom and open the Medicine Cabinet door.
  9. Pull out appropriate quantities of your favorite Supplements de Vitamines and deposit them into a paper cup for transport to the kitchen.
    • For the purposes of this recipe, I have chosen to include the following quantities of the following Supplements de Vitamines:
      • “B” = 3000 mg (3 gel caps)
      • “C” = 1 tablet
      • “E” = 1 gel cap
      • Glucosemine Chondroitin = 1 horse pill
      • Ginkgo Biloba = 2 capsules
      • Centrum Silver (non-chewable) = 1 tablet
      • Fish Oil (Definitely non-chewable) = 1 gel cap
      • Ginseng = 2 capsules
  10. Check the heat on the oven.
  11. Dump about 8 ounces of milk into the cup.
  12. Pour in the powder.
  13. Go find a clean spoon (in an emergency, a knife or fork will do, but it will take longer to mix. Or if you’re in a real bind you can try covering the top of the cup with one hand and shake vigorously for five minutes, but I don’t recommend it).
  14. Stir the mixture until well blended.
  15. Turn off the oven.
  16. Arrange the cup and Supplements de Vitamines in some attractive fashion and serve.

Enjoy!

Update:  There is no possible way one can begin to start to commence try to appreciate how good a glass of Oeilet Petit Instant can taste until you have been on Nutrisystems for two months. Seriously. 

The Max Factor – Chapter Seven: Poetry Dedicated To Max (Maxetry) – Verse Two

Hello again, gentle reader… Once again, it’s time for another Max Inspired sonnet, officially inspired by Max…

I launch…

Max: A Dog’s Life

By
The Very William H. Kammerer, Jr., Esquire (not)

.

I spend my life barking at flies

And I wonder why

And so does the fly

.

I pass my day staring at cats

I think about that

And so does the cat

.

I often dream of chasing down cows

And I wonder how

And so does the cow

.

I truly enjoy hunting down deer

I’ll catch them, I fear

And so does the deer

.

I often succeed at sniffing out toads

when I’m on the road

And so is the toad

.

But most of all…

.

I LOVE to watch Master picking up poop

For he has no scoop

Nor does the poop

The End…

Thank you for listening…

The Domestic Me – The Institute For Teach Cook: Episode One-A – Cooking: Why I Shouldn’t

Howdy again, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages! It’s time once again for another rip-roaring episode of

The Domestic Me:

Tales of Me Around The Domicile

When we last left our hero at the end of episode one of The Domestic Me, he had just finished explaining that he doesn’t cook much because he doesn’t like trying to find a place for pots and pans in the dishwasher, and so he doesn’t do anything to get them dirty, and so he doesn’t use them in cooking, and so he eats a lot of cold food.

What we  have not been made aware of is the fact that he has since changed his eating habits (gone on a diet – utilizing a well known, though not to be named, program) and has, therefore, been eating very healthily over the past two weeks.

But what THAT doesn’t tell us is that, while he has been eating a lot of fruits and vegetables and other really good stuff and in the proper portion sizes, he has eaten a lot of those things raw. And as he tells it,

“I have really learned to hate raw carrots. I may have to cook something to relieve myself of this misery.”

And so, in the interest of relieving himself of the misery of eating another raw carrot or raw celery or raw lettuce or raw any vegetable or combination of vegetables, he finally decided to dirty up a few pots and pans on some broccoli and green beans..

From Scratch.

Using never been processed broccoli and green beans…

And so, friends, he found himself in the kitchen, alone with just two pots, a pile of green beans, a sack of fresh broccoli, a knife, some water, a stove and the determination to escape raw carrots.

Oh yeah – and a pre-packaged grilled chicken breast with instructions to put it into the micro-wave on high for 30 – 45 seconds or until warm. (Heating times may vary due to differences in microwave ovens.)

This last bit of information was to prove prophetic. But we’ll let his Facebook status updates and their resulting comments tell the rest of the story…

The Domestic Me – The Institute For Teach Cook: Episode one – Cooking: Why I Don’t

You can usually tell when Judy is out of town by looking at me. That’s because I loose weight, and that’s because I don’t put pots and pans into the dishwasher, and that’s because I don’t do anything that would mess them up. Meaning, of course, I don’t cook much when she’s gone.

Why don’t I cook? Well, in point of fact, I do. I have a serviceable microwave and a toaster, both of which are well within walking distance of  the refrigerator… And I have pretty much figured out  how to use them.

And, in the refrigerator, there is food. Fortunately, some of it doesn’t require much actual preparation. Even more fortunately, some of it (about 95% of what I use – the other 5% is Ice Cream) actually IS the preparation. It’s called milk.

Milk is an amazingly versatile food product in that it can be used in the preparation of a whole plethora of meals that don’t require actual heating, and some (one) that only require minimal heating.

Two that come to mind are Carnation Instant Breakfast and Quaker Instant Oatmeal, both of which are stapels of my “Judy ain’t around” dietary plan. And, for variety, I like to switch the oatmeal off with Cheerios or Wheat Chex on occasion. Or have one for breakfast and one for dinner.

Another food that is well accompanied by milk is Oreo Cookies. as well as the occasional Chips Ahoy. And then there’s the ultimate in my culinary talents, Skipy Super Chunk Peanut Butter, of which I consume copious amounts, both with bread and with a spoon.

I also consume minute amounts of raisins (mixed in with the oatmeal, usually), bananas (which I usually eat alone – somehow dunking a banana into milk just isn’t the same as performing the same chore with an Oreo) and walnuts (which I keep in a big blue plastic party cup on my desk to stave off those hunger pangs while I am working). Most of those don’t require much milk, though.

So, as you can see, I have all of the basic food groups covered with my dietary plan:

Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, Desert and In Between Meal Snacks.

How much more balanced can a guy be?

OK.. I can cook.. I have cooked in the past. But when I cook, I dirty up pots and pans, and they don’t do well in the dish washer – they take up too much room and you can only fit a couple of them at one time. And that wastes water and energy (mine). And Judy won’t wash them by hand.

Ergo, I don’t cook…


To read “The Fashionable Me’ and learn my valuable secrets on spring fashion, click here…



The Max Factor – Chapter Five: Poetry Dedicated To Max (Maxetry) – Verse One

Hello again, Gentle Readers..

Max has been with us for about two weeks, now, and I believe it’s time to take the relationship to the next level…

No, I’m not talking about holding hands or anything of that sort, I’m speaking of the next level culturally – a matter of refinement, intellect and good manners, etc. – you know – the stuff of which High Society is made…

Yea, I can only be speaking of … Poetry…

Hence, therefore, I present to you, Gentle Readers, my first poetic offering to Max…

Walking The Dog
By
The Very William H. Kammerer, Jr., Esquire (not)

Ahem….

Doggy Woggy was a dog
Doggy Woggy liked to jog
Master didn’t like to run
Doggy’s master was no fun
Doggy Woggy’s master wasn’t very doggy… Woggy?
Was ‘e?

Thank you for your kind attention…