Conversations With Judy – Episode 11.82: Hey Buddy, You Got The Time?

The setup – 

Judy, our son Billy, Lacey his wife and I took Max and Monk on a hike in Yosemite, today. It was a great time with lots of snow and mud, but, alas, it came time to get back home and give Max a bath… 

Now, Judy likes to know exactly how long it takes to get from point A to point B when we go somewhere, especially when it’s somewhere we may return to in the future, so back in the car after the hike, she asked what time it was… 

“What time is it?”

“3:57.”

“I’ve got three minutes before 4:00.”

“I stand corrected.”

“My watch is always more accurate than your car clock.”

Conversations With Judy – Episode 10: Loud Bacon

Me: “Judy… JUdy… JUDy… JUDY!”

Judy is in the kitchen cooking breakfast and looks up from what she is doing, “Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the bacon.”

Two hours later…

Using a measuring cup, I have just poured a couple of cups of water into Max’s bowl and Judy is out on the deck saying something to me…

“Sojkhjgr ihre ifoeifuj hgouty.”

“What?”

“S;lihgfok ujedhf gh soifkujid hjksjf.”

“Sorry, I can’t hear you over this cup.”

It worked better for her…

Conversations With Judy – Episode Eight: The Max Factor – Chapter Six

The setup:

Judy and I were sitting at the table eating breakfast and Max was in his “I see prey” pointing pose, staring out the window..

We join the conversation with Judy stating “He sees something.”

“So he does.”

“He’s watching those birds with the long tails running around.”

“Quail.”

“Yeah, quail.”

“I love his pointing pose – he’s so tense and still – poised for the attack.”

“Pointing.”

“Yes, pointing. I think we should let him out.”

“You don’t like those cute little birdies?”

“Sure I do – they’re birds… And they’re cute – What’s not to like?”

“But you want them dead..”

“Not exactly.”

“But you want them to be chomped up in Max’s jaws, and eaten like that miserable mouse..”

“It’s what his breed does.”

“Well they shouldn’t. He is a domesticated dog and he should know better. And so should you.”

“I just think that we are going against nature by not letting him go out and kill something.”

15 seconds of silent stare, followed by an exasperated word that sounded an awful lot like “Gah!”

Yes, I believe that was it. “Gah.”

The Max Factor – Chapter Five: Poetry Dedicated To Max (Maxetry) – Verse One

Hello again, Gentle Readers..

Max has been with us for about two weeks, now, and I believe it’s time to take the relationship to the next level…

No, I’m not talking about holding hands or anything of that sort, I’m speaking of the next level culturally – a matter of refinement, intellect and good manners, etc. – you know – the stuff of which High Society is made…

Yea, I can only be speaking of … Poetry…

Hence, therefore, I present to you, Gentle Readers, my first poetic offering to Max…

Walking The Dog
By
The Very William H. Kammerer, Jr., Esquire (not)

Ahem….

Doggy Woggy was a dog
Doggy Woggy liked to jog
Master didn’t like to run
Doggy’s master was no fun
Doggy Woggy’s master wasn’t very doggy… Woggy?
Was ‘e?

Thank you for your kind attention…

Conversations with Judy – Episode Seven: The Max Factor: Chapter Two

The setup:

Judy and I were eating dinner at the dining room table. Next to our table, we have two extra chairs situated against a couple of walls at about 45 degree angles to two of the table’s corners.

Panther likes to be “with us” while we eat, and sometimes actually jumps up on the table… This is, of course, not permissible and when she tries, one of us  has to either catch her mid flight or, in the event of a successful landing,  pick her up and set her on the floor.

When this happens, she immediately hops up on one of the extra chairs and “watches” us.. Tonight it was my turn…

Judy and I are going over to see Max tomorrow afternoon…

We join the conversation just after I have removed Panther from the table and deposited her onto the floor… Panther has placed herself on the extra chair closest to me…

Judy: “…So, I’ll let them know that we will be there after Church tomorrow – about 12:30 sound OK?”

Me: “Sure, 12:30 is good.”

And I address Panther: “Hey P-Cat, how’s it going? Guess what!! Judy is taking me to go see Max tomorrow and take him for a walk!”

Panther just closes her eyes and pretends to be asleep..

“She’s ignoring you.”

“Just wait a couple of weeks… she’ll be ignoring you.”

Conversations with Judy – Episode Six: The Max Factor: Chapter One

A little background here:

Judy’s sister, Kathy, whom I used to love until two weeks ago, sent Judy and me an email talking about a Rescue Brittany (which is, apparently a pointer – not a spaniel) named Max who lives in our little town in the middle of nowhere and needs to be adopted and do we know anybody who wants to adopt a dog?…

Unfortunately, included with the email was a web site.. And the website has pictures.. Of Max…

Equally unfortunate is the fact that Judy actually went into the web site and looked at the pictures… Of Max… He’s cute… And he has Brittany eyes that say – well, you know what dogs’ eyes say…

At any rate, Judy started talking about Max a lot.. The next thing I knew, there were two contractors knocking at the door to measure for and quote on a fence in part of the yard… Then she went to meet Max… She took Max for a walk.  (Apparently Max has no problem walking, even though he is nine years old.  In fact, Judy had a hard time keeping up with him.)

And then Judy filled out adoption papers…

And now the adoption people are going to come out to our house and inspect, but they are going to wait until the fence is in…

Max is a friendly dog, and loves people, other dogs and even cats…

And he actually points…

(As mentioned in Chapter 24 of my ongoing bio, We have a cat named Panther, and while I’m quite certain that Max will get along with her, I am not at all certain that Panther will get along with Max. She is not used to friendly dogs… I wonder if it would freak her out if Max ever pointed at her…)

End of background…

Beginning of conversation…

Judy was comfortably situated in her favorite place on the sofa in the family room with Panther sitting on her lap and we were discussing her trip.  At some point, I made a hissing sound, imitating Panther the Vicious.  Somehow, Panther was startled by this and jumped from Judy’s lap to the back of the sofa…

Judy was trying to calm her down…

“Don’t be scared Panther – I’ll protect – you can trust me…”

“You’re buying a dog.”

“Oh yeah…”

Conversations With Judy – Episode Five: The Merlot Files: Chapter One

Those of you who know me well know that I am a complete lightweight when it comes to the consumption of alcohol. I don’t drink very often, and when I do I don’t actually get “drunk” because I don’t actually drink more than one of whatever it is.

For future reference, what I DO get is – uh – interesting… But I’ll just skip that for now…

Tonight, Judy and I decided to have dinner at a local Chinese restaurant…

Waiter: “Can I stalt you out with somesing to dlink?”

Judy: “I’ll have a lemonade, please.”

“And fol you, sul?”

Me: “I believe I shall have a glass of Merlot, please.”

“Vely good sul. Wourd you rike that cord or loom tempelatule?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Wourd you rike the wine chirred or walm?”

“Oh – chilled, please.”

“One grass of melrot, chirred. Thank you.”

“Thank YOU.”

The waiter left and Judy’s eyes met mine…

“What?”, I asked…

“Nothing,” she replied as she broke into a really large grin. “I can drive home.”

“Not necessary – they always water down the wine here.”

“OK,” she responded…

Well, we were both right.. The wine was watered down…

And Judy drove home..

Am I pathetic or what?

That is all.. Thank you for your support…

Conversations With Judy – Episode Two: Car Talk

Judy and I were in the car driving along when, after about 90 minutes, she said “Would you mind if we had a little quiet time for awhile?”, to which I – truthfully – replied, “I’m not talking.”

This response was met with a silent glare for about 15 seconds…

And then she reached over and turned off the radio…